Vacation: a time when we’re supposed to kick back, relax, sleep, eat, sleep some more. Babies call it “daily life.” Parents of babies (small and big) sometimes clarify and call it “family vacation.” I call it a fraud. Vacationing with children is it’s own class of “joke’s on you” parenting.
Still, we parents like to torture ourselves with false hope that our lives really haven’t changed that much with kids. We still got it. We’re still young and hip and able to enjoy some time away from our normal routines. Our little gifts from God merely enrich our experience of having fun in the sun. So, on a beach vacation we went — my husband and I, and our 3 and 4 year old. This is pretty much how it went.
1. Vacation is the best.
2. iPads are charged. Kids have window seats. Plane is only about half full. We’re taking off on time. Best vacation ever.
3. I know the pilot said we are landing but it’s still going to take a while to get to the ground. We’re really high up.
4. I know you counted down from 10 but it’s going to take longer than 10 seconds to land.
5. I promise, we are heading down.
7. See, we’re going through the clouds. Before we were above them.
8. It does take forever to land but we will be on the ground soon.
9. Any minute now. Just be patient.
10. We made it. We’re on the ground.
11. No, you can’t unbuckle your seat belt. Now we have to find our parking spot. Then get our luggage, then take a car ride. Then we will be at the beach. In like 1,000 seconds. Start counting.
12. Fancy hotel! They’re just 3 and 4 year old kids, not rock stars. We’ll be fine.
13. Do n0t touch anything.
14. No, not because it’s dirty, because it’s clean, too clean. I know it’s confusing. Just don’t touch.
15. Yes, child 1, you can have the sunscreen stick and child 2, you can have the sunscreen spray.
16. But I thought you wanted the stick? There’s no crying on vacation! You can have the spray. Whatever you want but my fair-skinned, red headed, darling, you must wear sunscreen.
17. It’s just like lotion, not sandpaper. Relax. We’re on vacation.
18. What makes sunscreen work anyway? Are these chemicals preventing one kind of cancer but inviting another?
19. Stop thinking about cancer. Relax. You’re on vacation.
20. The beach. Everyone likes the beach this year! Win!
21. Yes, let’s build a sandcastle.
22. Yes, building sandcastles IS fun.
23. Don’t smash it!
24. Oh, I get it. We’re building them just to smash them.
25. Ok. This is fun too. Building and smashing.
26. Wait, why are you crying? I thought you wanted to smash them?
27. No crying on vacation!
28. Yes, we can have ice cream at 11 am.
29. No, you don’t have to take a nap yet.
30. Yes, let’s go to the pool.
31. My kids are so adaptable.
32. Taking a wet bathing suit off to pee is possibly one of the grossest things ever…except thinking about those who might not bother. Yes, we have to get out to pee.
33. It’s exactly like the toilet at home. All the same rules apply. You can do it.
34. This pool is amazing.
35. It’s just a little water in your eyes. Wipe it off.
36. Not with your arm! No! Wait…the sunscreen! Abort! Let me get a towel! Abort!
37. Too late. Why, no tear baby sunscreen, why do you lie? There is no crying on vacation.
38. Back on the beach. Cold cocktail in hand. I love vacation.
39. I could definitely live here full time.
40. People who live here must have the best lives ever.
41. You want to nap now? At 4 pm?
42. You’ve been sitting in the sand all day playing, getting it in every crack and crevice of your body but now that’s it’s time to walk home you can’t possibly take a step with the tiny grains stuck on your toes? Of course. Yes, that makes perfect sense.
42. My kids are so not adaptable.
43. The pediatrician said a little dose of Benadryl would be ok in the case of an emergency. I know he was talking about during the flight but I think losing my afternoon beer buzz counts too.
44. Is vacationing with my parents worth the free babysitting?
45. Another beautiful day at the beach.
46. We are lucky.
47. Too bright? Do you know how lucky you are, to be here? On vacation!?
48. Here, take these sunglasses. Just don’t start…
48. Crying. There is no crying on vacation.
49. Yes, kind stranger, I know there is a “kid’s club” here, but it’s filled with scary strangers and I’m so fun, my kids want to be with me, always.
50. Will my kids ever want to go to a kid’s club at a resort?
51. Too hot? Ok, let’s go swimming.
52. Too wet? Ok, let’s go dry off.
53. Too tired? Ok, let’s take a nap.
54. Too hungry? Ok, let’s get a snack.
55. We’re laughing again, hallelujah!
56. Time to sit under my umbrella, relax, and take in the cool ocean breeze.
57. Ew. It’s all cold, wet and sandy. Is that pee? Someone’s spilled drink?
58. Relax. You’re on vacation. You’ve sat in worse.
59. Is that thunder? And rain? No, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOO…
60. You’re right, little people. Yes, sometimes there is crying on vacation.
61. You win. Again. Well played.
Related post: Murphy’s Laws of Family Vacations
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