Getting married is serious business, but it’s also a time to let loose and poke fun at the silliness of it all. I mean, it’s called an “institution” for a reason. If you’re tired of all the lovey-dovey quotes about love and marriage, then you’ll love the best wedding jokes we rounded up that will make you the toast of the ceremony and the reception.
Getting married is awesome, but it’s also probably the biggest party you’ll plan in your life. Weddings are beautiful and aren’t possible without some elbow grease, hard work, and one or two breakdowns. So, if you’re planning to walk down the aisle soon, these jokes will definitely help you destress.
- Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?
I hear they met on the web.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Two cannonballs got married this morning.
I hear they’re already expecting BBs.
- The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb?
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
- Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes, dear”.
- It is true that love is blind?
Because marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
- Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married?
The reception was terrific.
- Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- This couple was married for 67 years. I asked them that if, in all those years, had they ever thought of divorce.
“Heavens no,” she replied. “Murder, yes. But never divorce.”
- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job.
He still ends up with the same boss.
- Marriages are made in heaven.
Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
- Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
- My wife says I never listen…
Or something like that.
- I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married.
The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
- I wanted to make a short toast of my own. I’ve known John and Jane for a few years now, and I’ve seen them make a lot of tough decisions together. Some good decisions and some not-so-good decisions. I’m just glad that I could be here today to witness them make the best decision of their lives… choosing me as their MC.
- Marriage is becoming more and more progressive.
I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
- Did you hear about the notebook that married a pencil?
It finally found Mr. Write.
- Marriage requires a man to prepare four types of rings:
The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, and the enduring.
- “A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.” — Evan Esar
- “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” — Cindy Garnder
- I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned the groom’s intelligence.
In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
- Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Anne Bancroft
- Stewardess: “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.”
Mr. Smith: “Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!”
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Emma Bombeck
- Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.
- Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I’m looking for a loophole.”
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are hard to get started; they give off foul odors and do not work half the time.
- It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at either.
- Some people ask the secret of Mr. and Mrs. Anthony’s long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes on Tuesdays; He goes on Fridays.
- “Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.” — Erma Bombeck
- Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
- Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.
- Son: “Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.”
Father: “That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!”
- Marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under a man’s eyes.
- Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off.
But they still think of each other periodically.
- “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Anonymous
- “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
- A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” — Toni Sciarra Poynter
- I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
- I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
- “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
- If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?
- “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” — Anne Taylor Fleming
- “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Phillip
- “A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.” — James H. Boren
- I married Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
- Love is one long sweet dream,
And marriage is the alarm clock.
- “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” — Miles Davis
- “Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
- “Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Kathy Mohnke
- Marriage is not a word.
It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
- “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
- A happy marriage is a matter of give and take.
The husband gives and the wife takes.
- In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there. Times haven’t changed at all!
- Our marriage was a love match. Plain and simple.
She was plain, and I was simple.
- “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” — Milton Berle
- “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Anonymous
- “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
- Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets.
- I walked up the aisle and said, “I do.”
And I’ve been doing it ever since.
- What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
- “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schulz
- “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” — Mark Twain
- They married for better or for worse.
He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse!
- “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” — Henry Youngman
- “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.” — Anonymous
- Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
- Every man and woman should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
- How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy,” and “Filthy, but Wearable.”
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michael de Montaigne
- “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” — Henry Youngman
- Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
He’s tan, he’s cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.
- Men are all the same.
They just have different faces, so you can tell them apart.
- Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband.”
Friend: “GREAT trade!”
- “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen
- Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
He’s trying to figure out the combination.
- After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out.
When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
- “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” — Scott Adams
- What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!
- “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” — Wendy Liebman
- Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men…
- “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” — Booth Tarkington
- Why do bachelors like smart women?
- When a woman makes a fool of a man, it’s usually an improvement.
- “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
- Why are men like photocopiers?
Besides reproduction, they’re not much good for anything else.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
- “The best thing to ever happen to a marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly
- Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is really finished.
- Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
- A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
Her friend replied, “And what was he before you married him?” The woman said, “A multi-millionaire.”
- “Don’t make love by the garden gate. Love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t.” — Anyonymous
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