98 Relationship Jokes For All Your Lovers Past, Present, And Future

98 Relationship Jokes For All Your Lovers Past, Present, And Future

relationship jokes
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Being in a relationship is rarely a piece of cake. After all, just because you love someone doesn’t mean you always understand their actions. Having a sense of humor can definitely make things easier, though. Sharing a laugh can get us through (almost) anything. Ahead, check out some of the cheekiest relationship jokes around.

1. My boyfriend asked to play doctor.
I kept him waiting outside the bedroom door for an hour.

2. Losing a wife can be hard.
In some cases, it’s impossible.

3. Kid: I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until they get married.
Dad: That’s true everywhere, son.

4. My son asked me what it was like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

6. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

7. Last night my girlfriend told me that I had the body of a god.
I was afraid to ask which one, but I’m pretty sure that god was Buddha.

8. I had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong.
We’re married now.

9. I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week.
When it was over, he said, “We got along really well there for a while!”

10. I got my partner a get better soon card.
They’re not sick or anything, but they could definitely get better.

11. I never knew true happiness until I got married.
Then, it was too late.

12. One easy way to lose a fight with your wife: Argue.

13. Getting married is a lot like going out to eat with friends.
You order what you want but, when you see what someone else has, you want that instead.

14. I told my girlfriend that she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

15. Had a nice long chat with my husband today after our WI-FI went down.
He seems like a nice guy.

16. A man is incomplete until he’s married.
Then he’s finished.

17. My girlfriend told me I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that when I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

18. We were at a wedding recently and my husband tried his hand at being romantic.
As the music swelled, he leaned over and whispered, “You’re more beautiful than half the women here.”

19. My wife and I are total opposites.
She donates money to the homeless. I donate money to the topless.

20. A lonely man placed an ad in the paper. “Wanted: A wife.” Within a week, he’d received hundreds of replies.
They were all the same. “You can have mine.”

21. A man, shocked by his friend’s appearance, asked, “How long have you been wearing a bra?”
His friend answered, “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

22. I’ve been married for 25 years now and it takes a lot of dedication to have sex with the same person all that time.
I don’t know how my husband manages to do it.

23. What do wives and bacon have in common?
A lot, actually. They both look, smell and taste great. Plus, they’re both slowly killing you.

24. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: I don’t know. What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or no.

25. Marriage is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill.
But not doing it because you’d miss them.

26. I know of no one who is happily married.
Except my husband.

27. Marriage: Bet someone half of your Earthly possessions that you’ll love them forever.

28. I bought my ex-girlfriend a mood ring for her birthday.
When she’s happy, it turns blue. When she’s angry, it leaves a big red circle on my face.

29. My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married.
Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer.

relationship jokes
Maurice Ambler / Stringer/ Getty Images

30. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.

31. In any argument, always let your wife have the last word.
Anything after that is just the beginning of another fight.

32. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

33. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

34. They say when you get married, you actually get three rings.
The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering

35. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

36. What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

37. The most effective way to remember your wife birthday is to forget it once.

38. The shortest sentence, “I am.”
The longest sentence, “I do.”

39. Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.

40. “I love you,” she said.
“Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?”
“It’s me talking to the wine.”

41. What does a tornado and marriage have in common?
In the beginning there’s a lot of blowing and sucking. In the end, someone is left without a house.

42. Women fake orgasms.
Men fake whole relationships.

43. My girlfriend is really starting to annoy me lately.
I took her out to dinner last night and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. The double Whopper with cheese.

44. I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.

45. Our marriage counselor suggested we try some role reversal in bed.
Tonight when my wife came in, I told her that I had a headache.

46. My husband and I had a blissful first twenty-five years.
And then we met and got married.

47. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

48. Girlfriend: Last night I had a dream that you went to the jewelry store and bought me a gorgeous diamond ring.
Boyfriend: Funny, I had the same dream but in mine your dad was paying for it.

49. I tried to remarry my ex.
She figured out I was only after my money.

50. I asked my girlfriend which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said, “Your sense of humor.”

51. What kind of ship has two mates but no captain?
A relationship.

52. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None because they never get the house.

53. If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, that would explain why the mother of the bride is always crying.

54. My boyfriend left me for being too old fashioned.
It’s a shame. I thought we had great alchemy.

55. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without cheating, everyone is shocked.

56. My girlfriend says I don’t respect her privacy.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

57. Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life.
They know you don’t have one.

58. What do you say to your husband during sex?
Nothing. I don’t call my husband when I’m having sex.

59. Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet.
Eventually you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

60. I’m always running late.
It takes forever to find all the things sitting in plain sight of my husband.

61. I thought I won the argument with my partner about how to arrange the furniture.
When I got home, the tables had turned.

62. I recently ended a long-term relationship.
It’s okay, though. It wasn’t mine.

63. My husband told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
I told him I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.

64. People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice.
Not my choice.

65. I just had a massive blowout with my husband about vacation.
I wanted to go to Paris and he wanted to go with me.

66. They say when you meet the right person, you know immediately.
When you meet the wrong person, it takes about a year and a half to figure it out.

67. When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

68. My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for her birthday.
I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner and now she’s mad.

69. My husband and I have decided we don’t want kids.
If you do, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.

70. How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
Label the folder, “Instruction Manuals.”

71. Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.

72. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, but men see a wedding as the end of romance.

73. My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.

74. What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 45 minutes.

75. I wanted a partner who was strong, smart, kind and good looking.
If they’d been just one of those things, it would have been nice.

76. What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
They both leave you hurt and homeless when you pull off the ring.

77. I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.

78. There are two times men don’t understand women.
Before and after marriage.

79. I love a man with confidence.
Without that, what’s left to destroy?

80. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they always have to repeat themselves.

81. If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults.

82. I saw a man jogging naked through my neighborhood the other afternoon. I stopped to asked him what he was doing.
He said it was my fault for coming home so early.

83. What do you do when your best friend runs off with your husband?
Pity her.

84. It’s been 20 years and my wife apologized for the first time ever.
She said she’s sorry she ever married me. Still. Progress.

85. Wife: “Let’s go out and have fun tonight!”
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.

86. My boyfriend used to tell me I was one in a million.
After going through his text messages, I found out that he was right.

87. How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

88. My husband said he needed more space.
I locked him outside.

89. Want to convert your sofa into a sofa bed?
Just forget your anniversary.

90. I can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying over her new haircut.
I mean, it’s much worse for me. Now I have to find a new girlfriend.

91. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.
So far, we’ve been up for three days.

92. I play the world’s most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.

93. When a married man say, “I’ll think about it,” it’s safe to assume he just need to get his wife’s permission.

94. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

95. My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.
He said, “I just used a modem.”

96. How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
She’s bungee jumping for joy.

97. My wife is definitely a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

98. Have you seen the new divorced Barbie?
She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

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