Every year it’s the same thing. Fueled by guilt from shoveling holiday goodies into my face, and by the shock of the numbers on the scale, I vow that this is the year I’m going to get fit. Like, for real this time. Like, shimmying-into-the-jeans-I-wore-pre-kids skinny.
(Like … right after I finish off these last few cookies.)
I wade through a seemingly-endless sea of advice from diet and fitness gurus about the best way to firm my buns and biceps and “Get Fab Abs in Just Six Minutes a Day!”
I get overwhelmed.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Recently, though, I came to a realization. I’ve had access to some of the best fitness advice ever, right under my nose – literally – and so have you. Just as my kids helped me pack on the pounds (what? It has very little to do with the cookies), they can help me melt them off. So this year, I’m developing a revolutionary program that will help parents and caregivers everywhere shed that unwanted weight.
It’s simple, really. Forget about shelling out hundreds of bucks for a personal trainer or a pricey gym membership: just do what your kids do. You’ll torch calories fast with moves that encompass all types of fitness styles, from yoga to martial arts, such as …
1. The Pee-Pee Pretzel: Wrap one leg around the other and squirm vigorously, adamantly denying the whole time that you’re about to piss yourself. Then sprint to the toilet.
2. The Terrorizer: Run from seemingly out of nowhere and pounce on the unsuspecting victim of your choice (preferably a sibling), engulfing them in your limbs octopus-style for a smooth take-down.
3. The Flyer: Find something – anything – taller than you are. Climb it. Jump off. Repeat.
4. The Drag & Drop: Haul every single item out of your closet and into the living room, then stomp around and whine for half an hour before putting it back.
5. The Mile-a-Minute: When describing something, talk quickly. Hop from foot to foot. Gesture wildly. Use your excited voice. Make sound effects. For maximum aerobic benefit, stretch it out until the person you’re talking to begins to glaze over.
6. The Cushion Commando: Run back and forth across the couch cushions as fast as you can until someone tells you to stop (and if no one tells you to stop, keep going!). Bonus: taking a flying leap off the arm burns extra calories.
7. The Streak: Before you get into the bathtub, run the length of your house a couple of times naked. Do the same thing post-shower, only this time use your towel as a cape.
8. The Terrible Two: At the slightest inclination, writhe around on the floor, flailing your arms and legs, in response to whatever you desire – because you’re sleepy, because you’re hungry, because you want your apple slices put back together.
As a companion to the program, I’m thinking about putting together a kid-inspired diet guide. It’ll be filled to the brim with helpful tips such as “eat two bites of dinner and push the rest around your plate for a while” and “unidentifiable crumbs from furniture crevices: a viable option for snack time” – plus advice on how to run around like a madman all day fueled only by a handful of Goldfish crackers and a few raisins.
I’m going to be sooooo fit this coming year. Who’s with me?
Related post: 10 Ways Having Children Saves You Money
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