What to Expect If I'm Not Expecting You

If you stop by my house and I’m not expecting you, especially if it is during the day and my husband is still at work, here is what you should expect from me and my home.

Warning: this may be the last time you ever come over.

1. I will have not showered. I mean, maybe I showered yesterday, but definitely not today, so don’t get too close. And don’t give me that look; I am not gross (yes, yes I am).

2. My unwashed hair will be on top of my head in some sort of stuck-together ball that is so greasy it stays together without a hair tie. My 2-year-old likes to put a shiny ball on his head and say, “I’m Mama!” It’s cute, I guess.

3. My arms will be crossed across my chest because I won’t be wearing a bra. Or I will be holding a kid strategically in front of me; I will probably hand said kid to you and run to my room to rectify the situation.

4. I will be tired. And it will be evident by the dark circles under my eyes, which you will be able to see clearly because I won’t be wearing any makeup.

5. There will be toys everywhere.

6. It will smell like dirty diapers mixed with apple cinnamon air freshener. You will inevitably arrive after or during a massive blowout diaper change. If not, I will be searching for pee because my toddler hid somewhere and had an “accident.” This is probably the one thing I don’t like about having little kids. I’m sorry; it’s nasty for us both.

7. The floor will be sticky. Because toddlers.

8. Someone will probably be crying. It’s about a 50/50 chance that it will be me.

9. My kids will cling to you like they have never seen a real live person before.

10. There will be something cooking in my crock pot. Because without my slow cooker, we would starve.

11. There will most likely be a load of laundry in the washer that I have re-washed every morning for the last three days. This seriously makes me so angry with myself. I don’t even know how it happens, since it feels like I’m constantly doing laundry.

12. There will also be a pile of laundry on the couch that I have re-folded at least once a day for the last three days. Because toddlers, again.

13. You won’t be able to sit on the couch. Because where there isn’t unfolded laundry, there will be little boys jumping and yelling “Cannon ball.”

14. I will have my kids show you every new thing that they have learned recently. I’m so ridiculously proud of my kids, and I’ll expect you to at least pretend to be too.

15. I will be embarrassed at first, but then happy to see you. I really could use a conversation with someone close to my height.

16. I will be even happier to see you if you bring coffee. Iced raspberry white mocha, please.

17. I may leave you in a room with my kids and tell you that I’ll be right back. I will be back, with wet, clean, flower-scented hair, moisturized skin, clean clothes and a new outlook on life.

Related post: 12 Reasons Why I Didn’t Shower Today