I am a self-proclaimed Christmas freak. Starting on Labor Day, I’m already halfway into Christmas-mode. This feeling builds stronger every day until mid-October hits. By then, I feel like I am going to burst.
I know, I know—it’s too early for most people, but I am not most people. For me the holiday season is too short if you wait until after Thanksgiving (whose idea was this anyway?). I like to wring more out of it. I’m not the only one, either. There are lots of other Christmas freaks out there, and you know who you are because you do the following:
1. You deck your halls whenever the hell you want.
When the mood strikes, you pull out the bins and tubs and get to work. No room is left out either. The bathroom gets pinecone garlands and a little village display on the back of the toilet, complete with fake snow. The bedrooms have stockings hanging on the headboards. The kitchen cupboards have shiny balls dangling from the handles.
2.You have a wreath on your car.
It makes you smile every time you look at the front of your vehicle, yes, but hanging a wreath on your car is a badge letting everyone know you are just as into Christmas as Buddy The Elf is. (Bonus points for those reindeer antlers and the red nose on your car too.)
3.Your electric bill doubles.
Lights are magical. You put some up, look around and feel you need more. There are electric candles in every window, the tree blinds anyone who walks in your door, and if the front porch doesn’t cause the neighbors to pull their shades every night, is it even Christmas?
4. You visit Christmas shops when it’s sweltering hot outside.
It makes no difference if you just had a pool party with the neighbors and summer has just started. If you drive by a Christmas shop one random Saturday while on a road trip to the lake with your family, you are stopping.
5. You make a job out of coming up with new ideas for Elf on The Shelf.
Yes, you want to impress your kids by filling the sink full of marshmallows, and making a small towel to wrap on your Elf’s head, but you also want to impress yourself. And everyone who follows you on social media, because of course you are going to post what that little bugger is up to.
6. You have more than one Christmas tree.
You have the main tree which must make everyone swoon when they walk in, but that’s not enough. There’s one perched on your kitchen island, a mini-tree in all the bedrooms, and a show-stopper on the front porch, or in the front yard.
7. The hallmark channel is on 24/7 even if no one is watching.
You can’t wait for those movies to start, and you are so thankful they are on all the damn time. The background noise of the lovers making sugar cookies and ice sculptures makes you so happy. If anyone dares to change the channel, you threaten them with coal and reindeer turds.
8. Christmas music starts whenever the hell you want it to.
When someone is in the car with you, that shit is on whether they like it or not. You download all the latest holiday tunes in your phone so you can DJ at any moment.
9.You want Halloween to get over with because then it’s socially acceptable to start celebrating.
Well, maybe not all people agree with this sentiment, but after Halloween passes you have no longer have any guilt about your festiveness. As soon as the kids strip off the costumes and you check their candy, you take down the fall decorations and to make room for what’s about to happen in your home.
10. You have Christmas cookies in your freezer until May of the following year.
You want to make all the bark, your kids’ favorite cookies, your partner’s favorite cookies, the cookies your mom made while you were growing up, then you stand back and wonder if you’ve made enough. Just to be safe, you start another batch of peanut butter blossoms.
11. You give the finger to people who say, “Can’t we wait until after Thanksgiving?”
No. No, we cannot wait until after Thanksgiving. We Buddy the Elves celebrating Christmas early don’t affect you at all, so leave us alone. We don’t need your judgment, it doesn’t take away from the amount of turkey you can eat, and what the hell is wrong with you anyway?
12.You start planning Christmas dinner In July.
I’m not talking solely main course and side dishes. You plan a theme. You pick out coordinating plates, napkins, and cutlery. You download templates for name tags and spend four hours choosing a font.
13. There’s a Christmas-scented candle in every room.
And they are lit every second. You have balsam fir going near the tree. You have cinnamon in the kitchen. Orange- spice is perfect for the bathrooms. As soon as you get home, it takes you 10 minutes just to light them all.
14. You have a closet dedicated solely to your decorations.
Maybe it’s your child’s closet and you told them they have to live with it until they move out. Perhaps you’ve taken over the boiler room, or your partner’s side of the closet. The important thing is all your Christmas wares have a safe place to be until you dive in to decorate.
15. You spend a lot of time coordinating wrapping, ribbons, and bows for gifts.
This cannot be done in five minutes standing in the middle of the aisle at Target. No. It takes time and thought. You hold up several ribbons to several papers. You don’t pick out one, either. You need variety, you need coordination, you need choices. You spend more money than you should, but smile when you think of what people will say when they see their wrapped gift and it’s all worth it.
I know many people have feelings about Christmas freaks, but I wear my inner-elf proudly. After all, it makes me happy, it draws other people who feel the same way about this holiday closer to me, and life is just better when it’s covered in twinkle lights and sugar.
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