50+ Hilarious 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia' Quotes You Should Memorize

by Laura Grainger
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it's always sunny in Philadelphia quotes

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has been a popular comedy since it first aired in 2005. Fourteen seasons later, it’s still going strong. And why wouldn’t it be? With hilarious one-liners, outlandish-but-lovable characters of Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Dea, and Frank, played by the one and only Danny DeVito. With Their politically incorrect and socially awkward antics there’s plenty to keep viewers hooked.

To celebrate the non-stop hilarity this show provides us with, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite Always Sunny quotes. Sure to get you laughing, these quotes show the very best (and worst) of The Gang.


“Cat in the wall. Now you’re talking my language.”

“I got followed here by like ten cats. Yeah, they’re starting to follow me these days.”

“So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage?”

“Keep singing, bitch. You’re not gonna have a face by the time I’m done with you.”

“Bro, I can handle my sedatives.”

“I’m not an executioner. I’m the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.”

“I’m relaxing, I’m getting blackout drunk, and you’re leaving me alone.”

“That’s politics, bitch!”

“What is this word ‘spa?’ I feel like you’re starting to say a word and you’re not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?”

“‘Just get a job?’ Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon, and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!”

“I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.”



“I do backflips every single day of my life.”

“That is about as low-brow as it gets.”

“Give it a rest. You’re not the Messiah. You don’t know dick about the Bible.”

“I drank three bottles of champagne and hung out with a stray dog all night under a bridge.”

Mac’s Dad: “Now everyone thinks I’m a rat. They’re gonna kill me in here, because of you.”

Mac: “I’m sorry. I still love you.” Mac’s Dad: “I don’t.”

“It turns out I am – I am too muscular, and I can’t fit through.”

“Science is a liar sometimes.”

“I’m not fat. I’m cultivating mass.”

“Fight milk! The first alcoholic dairy-based protein drink for bodyguards!”

“Throughout history, the ass kickers have always known carpentry – Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.”


“Let me tell you something. I haven’t even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you’ll know. Because I’m gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia’s gonna feel it.”

“Talking to myself, but that’s just ’cause I, you know, I’ve got shit to say, you know?”

“I am the golden god.”

“I’ve got the stride of a gazelle.”

“And although I seem relaxed, I’m actually incredibly tense at all times.”

“I’m eating because I’m very uncomfortable.”

“Don’t you play coy with me, you little bitch. I’m gonna stay right here, and I’m gonna wait for my minions to swarm me. And swarm they will, Tim. Alone, you’ll be.”

“I am sexually attractive. I’m an attractive man.”

“My nose was chiseled by the Gods themselves, Frank.”


“I will eat your babies, bitch!”

“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something with my cat right now.”

“You guys all better eat a dick, ’cause sweet Dee just beat the system.”

“We’re gonna get all in your face and point out your faults.”

“Groban likes his ladies to pop.”

“I’ll burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me.”

“If you don’t have car insurance, you better have dental, because I am going to scratch your teeth into dust!”

“Out of my way, I’ve broken my water. There’s a baby inside of me running out of water.”

“It’s like when I’m doing good in the game I’m doing good in life.”

“I’m not asking you to do much. Just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.”

“We used to be losers, like all of you people.”


“I’m the trash man!”

“I immersed myself in the culture. Tasting the cuisine. But mostly doing cocaine.”

“I don’t wanna be his friend, I wanna shoot him in the face.”

“I’ll give ya fifty bucks if you drink soup outta my shoe. And take your top off.”

“I’m not gonna be buried in a grave. When I’m dead, just throw me in the trash.”

“Your mother is dead! HA!”

“What’s up, bitches! I’m a man cheetah! Wanna do something with this?”

“If we’re gonna turn this company around, we gotta start cutting the crust off this shit sandwich!”

“If you’re dealt a bunch of lemons, you got to take those lemons, and stuff them down somebody’s throat until they see yellow.”

“This is ham, soaked in rum.”


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