70+ Hilarious Moira Rose Quotes Straight From TV's Schittiest Mom

70+ Moira Rose Quotes Straight From TV’s Schittiest Mom

January 27, 2020 Updated March 10, 2021

Schitt’s Creek Is The Shit
CBC/POP

As matriarch of the Rose family on Schitt’s Creek, Moira Rose has had some seriously hilarious moments. Between funny one-liners, shrewd screaming, hysterical wigs, and that obscure accent, the show has seen Moira flourish into an iconic figure of TV comedy. Now that the series has wrapped up fans were sad they no longer have new Moira moments to laugh at. But the show’s epic and historic sweep at the 2020 Emmys gives us something new to soothe us as we binge the series anew.

The Television Academy awarded the show in the night’s biggest categories and Moira (aka Catherine O’Hara) lived her dream out by winning for outstanding lead actress in a comedy. Even so, there are no new episodes and we are très triste. So to comfort ourselves, we’ve compiled a list of the most iconic Moira Rose quotes. Read on, bébé.

Best Moira Rose Quotes

The All-Round Professional

1. When she decided to lend her expertise to the community women’s singing group: “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?”

2. When she was too busy to help out at the motel: “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.”

3. When she had no worries about working a room: “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.”

4. When her introduction to politics was a success: “I can hardly hear you, John! The cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.”

5. When she reunited with her husband: “Your wayfaring thespian has returned.”

6. When she resonated with a character: “The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.”

7. When she found out the internet thought she was dead: “What is the source of this falsehood? And what photo are they using?”

The Cheerleader (of both herself and others)

8. When she told Twyla to seize the day: “One must champion oneself and say, ‘I am ready for this!'”

9. When she offered a deflated Johnny some words of encouragement: “Good men always win.”

10. When she helped Jocelyn teach drama to teenagers: “Never let the bastards get you down!”

11. When she informed the Jazzagals of the true meaning of ‘ensemble’: “When one of us shines, all of us shine.”

12. When she had her own back on the town council: “All in favor say, aye.”

moira rose quotes
CBC/POP

The Hands-On Parent

13. When she decided to burden her first-born: “It’s probably nothing but I think I’ve killed a man.”

14. When she was deeply concerned by David’s disappearing act: “I was worried sick, dear! ‘Where’s David? Or his bags?'”

15. When she warned Alexis not to be a pushover like David:
Moira: “I will not relive that bullying nightmare.”
David: “Uh, it wasn’t that bad.”
Moira: “That’s the heartbreaking part. You were so blissfully unaware.”

16. When she cut right to the chase: “David, are you a dirty peeping Tom?”

17. When she and Johnny decided to check in with the kids: “We have no interest in what’s going on with you.”

18. When she was ever the comforter: “Alexis, don’t be ridiculous. That’s exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me weary of spending time with you.”

19. When she wasn’t quite on the same page as her husband:
Johnny: “Moira, have you seen the kids?”
Moira: “Whose kids?”

20. When she encouraged David to get back to work: “You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui.”

21. When she thought she was going to become a grandmother: “God help us all.”

Read more: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

22. When Alexis graduating high school turned into a family affair:
Moira: “We all have to go, David, unless you have some special excuse.”
David: “It’s my birthday.”

23. When she couldn’t remember Alexis’ middle name: “Alexis… something Rose.”

24. When she tried to make David realize the consequences of his actions: “What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic… but it was also wrong.”

25. When she was questioning some choices: “Are we terrible parents?”

26. When she told her daughter a bedtime story: “There once was a radiant young actress who dreamed of having two sons.”

27. When there was a family emergency:
Moira: “I’ve been calling David, and he’s not picking up!”
Johnny: “And what about Alexis?”
Moira: “There’s an idea… anybody have her number?”

28. When she needed the kind of help she thought only a son could provide: “I’m afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent-child relationship. It seems that there are some nude photographs of me on the internet, and I would like you to search for them.”

29. When she wanted David to be a little more polite: “David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican.”

30. When Alexis was sick:
Moira: “You’re the ill one, but I’m feeling this…”
Alexis: “Maternal instinct, maybe?”
Moira: “No, that’s not it.”

31. When she tried to make her family’s favorite ‘ahn-chiladas’:

moira rose quotes
CBC/POP

The Family-Friendly Socialite

32. When she opened an important envelope:
Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?”
Roland: “That’s the sonogram of our baby!”

33. When her legacy was about to be attached to a community garden: “As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline.”

34. When there was only one cause that mattered: “If that’s not a cause for alcohol, I don’t know what is!”

35. When she played babysitter with Johnny: “You do realize the bébé is crying?”

36. When she was envious of another’s misfortune: “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.”

37. When she was acquiring the taste: “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.”

38. When she did a little self-reflection: “Did I used to have a drinking problem?”

39. When she neither wanted to commit nor let down: “I would be pleased to RSVP as… pending.”

40. When she had to tell her friends she wasn’t dead: “Fear not, she hath risen!”

41. When Johnny wanted a festive moment:
John: “Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.”
Moira: “John, you know I would, but I’ve already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just eight minutes to make it safely up the stairs.”

42. When she was hopeful about the future: “The world is falling apart around us and I’m dying inside.”

43. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.”

44. “So what’s your deal? You’re pretty… what’s that like?”

45. “Let’s go. I’ve had enough waking hours for one day.”

46. “Let’s all go to bed and pray we don’t wake up.”

47. Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?”
Moira: “Awards.”

48. When she thought she and Roland had a one-night-stand:

moira rose quotes
CBC/POP

Other Classic Moira Quotes

49. “David, stop acting like a disgruntled penguin.”

50. “Where is bébé’s chamber?”

51. “How mercurial is life. We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.”

52. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.”

53. “The live crows on set welcomed me as one of their own. One even tried to mate.”

54. “I may have been wrong. You may have been not wrong.”

55. “Who knows what will befall us tomorrow, John? You could be hit by a Mack truck or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris.”

56. “Why must you be so constantly irksome?”

57. “With the vigor of a wartime radio operator.”

58. “Be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of the moral ground.”

59. “You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud.”

60. “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mast on first.”

61. “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage, I was half expecting early Unabomber.”

62. “I’ve been gutted. I’ve been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I’ve earned in this life.”

63. “A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.”

64. “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” 

65. “I made an obligatory appearance at the service and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words. I didn’t have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang ‘Danny Boy.’ Not a dry eye in the house.”

66. “Hello, I’m Moira Rose. And if you like fruit wine as much as I do, discover a winery that pours care and craftsmanship into every glace. Oh, I’m sorry. I wanted to say glass, but I was thinking case.

67. “You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass.”

68. “Wait! My bébés, my girls! Lorna: second from the left, if she takes on smoke she’ll never recover — and Cindy! I just gave her a blowout!”

69. “His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable.”

70. “It sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet. I’ll say it again: Life is but a strand of happy accidents.”

71. “Thank you officer for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community. I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.”

72. “Social media is an amusement park for clinical narcissists.”

73. “I can’t feel my tongue. But I know it’s there because I’m talking.”

74. “David, I’ve asked you not to indulge in that smokey cologne. It’s enough to give someone a seizure!”

75. “My legs are in slumber — carry me!”