55 Andy Dwyer Quotes Better Than 5,000 Candles In The Wind

by Laura Grainger
Originally Published: 
andy dwyer quotes
Greg Gayne/NBC

It’s been five sad years since we said goodbye to our favorite Parks Department and its lovable employees. Parks and Recreation may have wrapped in 2015, but the quotes from its hilarious characters live on forever. It’s hard to pin down which gave us more laughs: Leslie’s (Amy Poehler) over-the-top compliments, Jerry/Gary/Larry’s (Jim O’Heir) misfortune, Tom’s (Aziz Ansari) “treat yo’ self” attitude, Ron’s (Nick Offerman) anti-government policy while working in government, April Ludgate’s (Aubrey Plaza) dark and deadpan one-liners, or Andy’s kind-hearted but dopey persona.

To help narrow it down, we’re adding a list of our favorite Andy Dwyer quotes to our Parks and Rec collection. Read on for the very best of Mouse Rat’s frontrunner, Burt Macklin FBI, and Johnny Karate.

1. “Windows are the eyes to the house.”

2. “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”

3. Andy: “I can’t believe we’re at Hogwarts!”

Ben: “No, that’s Buckingham Palace.”

4. “I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.”

5. “I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.”

6. “Burt Macklin, FBI. The best damn agent they had, until I was framed for a crime I didn’t commit: stealing the president’s rubies.”

7. “I’ve always wanted a doorman named Ernie. Or Kip. I’m pretty flexible on that.”

8. “When they say 2% milk I don’t know what the other 98% is.”

9. “You’re the greatest wife ever. I wish I could marry you all over again.” (Gasps) “Let’s get divorced!”

10. “I have no idea what I’m doing but I know I do it really, really well.”

11. “I just wrote a new song. Okay. Bottom line: it’s called ‘Sex Hair.'”

12. “I promise I will not spit in anyone’s food unless they should request that I do.”

13. “If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.”

14. Andy: “Aw, babe…you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.”

April: “We’re married.” Andy: “Still!”


15. “Butter is my favorite food.”

16. “I got stung once, I’m immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees! It does nothing!”

17. “I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.”

18. “The show must go wrong!”

19. “I’m not crying, okay? I’m just allergic to jerks!”

20. “Sometimes when I wipe, I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe a hundred times. Still poop. Still poop. It’s like I’m wiping a marker or something.”

21. Andy: “I want Ann back and she says she needs a guy with a lot of money.”

Leslie: “That doesn’t sound like Ann.” Andy: “Well, I can’t really do her voice.”

22. “In order to think like one of these guys, you have to think like them.”

23. “This song is called ‘5,000 Candles in the Wind.'”

24. “The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, nice-y mean-y?”

25. “Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at the moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.”

26. Andy: “I’m going to win you a million teddy bears.”

April: “Well, I want a billion teddybears.” Andy: “Well, that’s a little unrealistic.”

27. “By day, Andy Dwyer: shoe-shinist. By different time of day, Andy Radical: possum-tackler. And by night…do whatever I want. No job.”

28.”I don’t know who Al Gore is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.”

29. “Looks like this Siberian Husky, is going to be Russian…off to jail.”

30. “Let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, my bad.”

31. “Anything is a toy if you play with it.”

32. “That is the coolest sentence I have ever heard anybody talk.”

33. “I know what things are.”

34. “For the last time, Ron, it’s Princess Rainbow Sparkle.”

35. “Is that a goose that just flew by the window? Oh, it’s a plastic bag.”

36. “Everything hurts. Running is impossible.”

37. “I know what things are.”

38. “For the last time, Ron, it’s Princess Rainbow Sparkle.”

39. “Is that a goose that just flew by the window? Oh, it’s a plastic bag.”

40. “Everything hurts. Running is impossible.”

41. “I once ate a Twix bar with the wrapper on it.”

42. “Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because honestly that’s kind of a deal breaker.”

43. “Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Boom! That’s spaghetti. Nachos. That’s a cookie.”

44. “Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at City Hall. Only one problem: It’s a terrible job. I did everything I was supposed to do and I walked around the building four times and only 20 minutes have gone by. I thought maybe 10 minutes had gone by since I started talking, but it’s only been 15 seconds.”

45. “5,000 Candles In The Wind” by Andy Dwyer

[Verse 1] “Up in horsey heaven, here’s the thing You trade your legs for angels wings And once we’ve all said good-bye You take a running leap and you learn to fly


Bye bye Li’l Sebastian Miss you in the saddest fashion Bye bye Li’l Sebastian You’re 5000 candles in the wind

[Verse 2]

And though we all miss you everyday We know you’re up there eating heaven’s hay And here’s the part that hurts the most Humans cannot ride a ghost


Bye bye Li’l Sebastian Miss you in the saddest fashion Bye bye Li’l Sebastian You’re 5000 candles in the wind

Everybody sing it now!”

46. “I feel right at home as a shoe shine. I have no idea what I’m doing it really, really well.”

47. Andy: (Laughing) “Babe you had a bad crush on me? That’s embarrassing.”

April: “We’re married.”

Andy: “Still.”

48. “I am Mother Nature’s brother, Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your call.”

49. “I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.”

50. “I’d have been hanging out with a baby.”

51. “Hi, guys, remember how I told you there was going to be a surprise later? Well, the surprise is you are not actually at a dinner party. You’re at our wedding.”

52. “April, you’re the most awesome person I have ever known in my entire life. I vow to protect you from danger. I don’t care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter, or a bear, or him, your mom I would take ’em down. ”

53. “I want to spent the rest of my life, every minute with you. I’m the luckiest man in the galaxy.”

54. “I don’t know anything about infant care.”

55. “The bad things make me feel sweaty.”


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