141 Best, Funniest 'Parks And Recreation' Quotes Ever

Treat Yo’ Self To 140+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

October 25, 2019 Updated February 9, 2021

parks and rec quotes
Parks And Recreation/NBC

When we said goodbye to the sitcom Parks and Rec, we said goodbye to a wondrous world called Pawnee, Indiana, home to some of the most memorable characters to ever grace our screens, including the one and only Leslie Knope. But just because a show’s over doesn’t mean that it’s really over. It lives on through its reruns, fans, and incredible Parks and Recreation quotes. The series has a simple premise but was funny enough to keep many laughing for seven seasons. 

While a world that has Leslie as our president is, sadly, nothing but a dream, we can make our reality a little funnier by remembering these hilarious Parks and Rec quotes that are guaranteed to make you laugh. We’ve included classics lines from Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Andy Dwyer, and even the very best Leslie Knope compliments.

Best Parks and Recreation Quotes

  1. Everything hurts and I’m dying.” — Leslie Knope
  2. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.” — Ron Swanson
  3. “Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!” —April Ludgate
  4. “I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior.” — Leslie Knope
  5. “Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, That’s impossible.” — Andy Dwyer
  6. “Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.” — Tom Haverford
  7. “We have to remember what’s important in life: friends waffles and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.” — Leslie Knope
  8. “Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s just the best. And I don’t have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!” — Ann Perkins
  9. “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” — Chris Traeger
  10. “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.” — Leslie Knope
  11. “Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?” — Leslie Knope
  12. “I had to call in a few favors. But if you don’t call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?” — Tom Haverford
  13. “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” — Andy Dwyer
  14. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” — Ron Swanson
  15. “I’m big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.” — Leslie Knope
  16. “Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.” — Mona Lisa
  17. “There’s nothing we can’t do if we work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.” — Leslie Knope
  18. “I once forgot to brush my teeth for 5 weeks. I didn’t actually sell my car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. When they say 2 percent milk I don’t know what the other 98 percent is. When I was a baby my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.” — Andy Dwyer
  19. “I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.” — Chris Traeger
    parks and rec quotes, ron swanson quotes
    Parks And Recreation/ Giphy

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  20. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.” — Ron Swanson
  21. “One person’s annoying is another’s inspiring and heroic.” — Leslie Knope
  22. “I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.” — Tom Haverford
  23. “You have all the strengths.” — Leslie Knope
  24. “No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I’m like a white, male US Senator.” — Leslie Knope
  25. “Thank god my grandfather just died, so I am fluh-uh-shed with ca-ah-ash.” — Jean Ralphio
  26. “Treat yo self.” — Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford
  27. “All I need to do is focus and stay calm.” — Leslie Knope
  28. “Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” — Ben Wyatt
  29. “Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.” — April Ludgate
  30. “Do it. Fierce. Power” — Leslie Knope
  31. “These dogs are so cute I want to throw up and kill myself.” — Craig Middlebrooks
  32. “Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.” — Chris Traeger
  33. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.” — Ron Swanson
  34. “Can we have ONE conversation about feminism where MEN get to be in charge?” — Kipp Bunthart
  35. “I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.” — Leslie Knope
  36. “His name is Champion because he’s the dog world champion.” — Andy Dwyer
  37. “I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.” — Mona Lisa
  38. “When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.” — Ann Perkins
  39. “Oh Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.” — Leslie Knope

    parks and recreation quotes, leslie knope quotes
    Parks And Recreation/ Giphy
  40. “Bababooey.” — Ben Wyatt
  41. “LITerally.” — Chris Traeger
  42. “It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.” — Jean Ralphio
  43. “Say goodbye to your father.” — Orin
  44. “I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn’t any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.” — Leslie Knope
  45. “Do I look like I drink water?” — Donna Meagle
  46. “This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give to ourselves.” — Andy Dwyer
  47. “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” — Chris Traeger
  48. “You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.” — Leslie Knope
  49. “Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?” — Ann Perkins
  50. “Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.” — Tom Haverford
  51. “I believe assault should be legal if the person is a jerk.” — Leslie Knope
  52. “One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.” — Jean-Ralphio
  53. “Oh my god! [catches calculator] Hey, Dr. Buttons!…I mean, my old calculator. It doesn’t have a name.” — Ben Wyatt
  54. “There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.” — Ron Swanson
  55. “My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two-inch ax-style scraper oscillating knife blade.” — Leslie Knope
  56. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.” — Andy Dwyer
  57. “If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.” — Chris Traeger
  58. “It’s not my favorite shirt… but it is my least favorite shirt.” — Donna Meagle
  59. “A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.” — April Ludgate
  60. “I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let’s all just have a good time.” — Bobby Newport
  61. “I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.” — Jean-Ralphio
  62. “I am super chill all the time.” — Leslie Knope
  63. “Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.” — Ron Swanson
  64. “Are you duking on my chest right now?” — Councilman Jamm
  65. “Pawnee’s Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shhhing.” — Leslie Knope
  66. “I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.” — April Ludgate
  67. “No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.” — Ben Wyatt
  68. “I know what things are.” — Andy Dwyer
  69. “Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.” —Donna Meagle
  70. “Stop. Pooping.” — Chris Traeger
  71. “If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality.” — Leslie Knope
  72. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” — Ron Swanson
  73. “Well, I salsa your face.” — Ann Perkins
  74. “You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for… obvious reasons.” — Leslie Knope
  75. “Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.” — April Ludgate
  76. “I regret nothing. The end.” — Ron Swanson
  77. “Most people would say ‘the deets,’ but I say ‘the tails.’ Just another example of innovation.” — Tom Haverford
  78. “I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.” — Leslie Knope
  79. “Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.” — Leslie Knope
  80. “Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.” — Ben Wyatt
  81. “The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.” — Leslie Knope
  82. “I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.” — Andy Dwyer
  83. “Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.” — Leslie Knope
  84. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” — Ron Swanson
  85. “I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.” — April Ludgate
  86. “This seems like the type of place where a Ska band would go to shoot heroin.” — Ann Perkins
  87. “I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.” — Tom Haverford
  88. “I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.” — Leslie Knope
  89. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” — Ron Swanson
  90. “Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.” — April Ludgate
  91. “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” — Andy Dwyer
  92. “I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?” — Ben Wyatt
  93. “I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.” — Chris Traeger
  94. “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” — Leslie Knope
  95. “The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.” — April Ludgate
  96. “No one achieves anything alone.” — Leslie Knope
  97. “On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?” — Tom Haverford
  98. “I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.” — Donna Meagle
  99. “Do you think a depressed person could make this? No!” — Ben Wyatt
  100. “She’s the woooooorst!” — Jean Ralphio
  101. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.” — Andy Dwyer
  102. “Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.” — Leslie Knope
  103. “I want to be a giant head and mouth, and just eat rows and rows of junk food pellets.” — Ann Perkins
  104. “My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.” — Chris Traeger
  105. She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.” — April Ludgate
  106. “I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies.” — Leslie Knope
  107. “Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.” — Donna Meagle
  108. “I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.” — Andy Dwyer
  109. “I call noodles: long-ass rice.” — Tom Haverford
  110. “I care. I care a lot. It’s kinda my thing.” — Leslie Knope
  111. “Pizza? Never heard of it.” — Ben Wyatt
  112. “I haven’t felt this good in years. And it’s not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It’s him.” — Ann Perkins
  113. “I have the toes I have, let’s leave it at that.” – Ron Swanson
  114. “You’re ridiculous and men’s rights is nothing.” — Leslie Knope
  115. “I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.” — Leslie Knope
  116. “What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.” — Leslie Knope
  117. “Ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst.” — Leslie Knope
  118. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” — Ron Swanson
  119. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” — Ron Swanson
  120. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” — Ron Swanson
  121. “If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?” — Ron Swanson
  122.  “I love games that turn people against each other.” — April Ludgate
  123. “I love you guys! And Ann specifically.” — Leslie Knope
  124. “Ann, you opalescent tree shark.” — Leslie Knope
  125. “Ann, there is nothing harder in the entire world than saying no to your beautiful face.” — Leslie Knope
  126. “Ann, you’re so sweet and innocent and pretty.” — Leslie Knope
  127. “I got run over by a Lexus!” — Jean-Ralphio
  128. “K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest littler shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana.” — Jean-Ralphio
  129. “I hope you brought a change of clothes. Your eyes are about to piss tears.” — Jean-Ralphio
  130. “I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.” — Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  131. “Daddy someone started a fire in your car because you took too long and (sings) I got bored.” — Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  132. “I totally hear you, but erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no I’m going to start a fire in the bathroom.” — Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  133. “Money pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee!” — Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  134. “Why don’t you turn that frizown upsidizity.” — Jean-Ralphio
  135. “I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.” — Ron
  136. “The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises — not even 10 percent when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular…”
  137. “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.” — Andy Dwyer
  138. “I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.” — Leslie Knope
  139. “Now, go find your team, and get to work.” — Leslie Knope
  140. “I have been forced to do many things I don’t enjoy, like write things down and speak with people.” — Ron Swanson
  141. “Hey, Leslie. It’s Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.” — Leslie Knope

Our favorite gang from Pawnee is known for dropping some of the funniest lines this side of the Indiana state line. But did you know the actors fibbed quite a few lines during their seven-season run? And, real talk, these may be even funnier to watch than the show itself. Enjoy a compilation of their bloopers, below.

 

Parks & Rec Fun Facts Fans Will Love

— The show was originally pitched as a spinoff to The Office.

— A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, and if Parks & Rec creators had gone with their original title for the series, we would all be reading “Public Service” quotes.

— Andy Dwyer’s character was only supposed to appear for one season as Ann Perkin’s loser boyfriend, but creators loved Chris Pratt’s performance so much they made him a series regular.

— Jim O’Heir, the actor who plays Jerry Gergich, auditioned for the role of Ron Swanson. Obviously, it didn’t go to him, but the writers and creators loved him so much they wrote the character just for him.

That show of the front of the building is actually the exterior of a real city hall building. It’s called the Pawnee City Hall. 

— Remember the time jump in season seven? Amy Poehler suggested it.

— The beloved theme song for the show was actually selected through a contest. 

— Nick Offerman and Aubrey Plaza have the same birthday.

— Ever wonder what became of Leslie’s book about Pawnee, Indiana? Well, you can actually buy her book. 

— Three alternate endings were filmed for the season four finale.

Parks and Recreation might be made of magic. They correctly predicted the Chicago Cubs winning the 2016 World Series.

— Amy Poehler said that she and Nick Offerman shot a make-out scene for the gag reel for every season.

— Aubrey Plaza based her character on her little sister Natalie. 

— Ron Swanson was based on a real-life politician.