135 Best, Funniest 'Parks And Recreation' Quotes Ever – Scary Mommy

Treat Yo’ Self To 135 ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

October 25, 2019 Updated October 8, 2020

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Parks And Recreation/NBC

When we said goodbye to the sitcom Parks and Rec, we said goodbye to a wondrous world called Pawnee, Indiana, home to some of the most memorable characters to ever grace our screens, including the one and only Leslie Knope. While a world that has Leslie as our president is, sadly, nothing but a dream, we can make our reality a little funnier by remembering these hilarious Parks and Rec quotes that are guaranteed to make you laugh. We’ve included classics lines from Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Andy Dwyer, and even the very best Leslie Knope compliments.

  1. “Everything hurts and I’m dying.” – Leslie Knope
  2. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.” – Ron Swanson
  3. “Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!” – April Ludgate
  4. “I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior.” – Leslie Knope
  5. “Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, That’s impossible.” – Andy Dwyer
  6. “Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.” – Tom Haverford
  7. “We have to remeber what’s important in life: friends waffles and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.” – Leslie Knope
  8. “Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s just the best. And I don’t have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!” – Ann Perkins
  9. “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” – Chris Traeger
  10. “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.” – Leslie Knope
  11. “I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. – Ron Swanson
  12. “I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree with Ann.” – April Ludgate
  13. “You’re a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.” – Leslie Knope
  14. “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” – Andy Dwyer
  15. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” – Ron Swanson
  16. “I’m big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.” – Leslie Knope
  17. “Boss man, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.” – Mona Lisa
  18. “There’s nothing we can’t do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.” – Leslie Knope
  19. “I once forgot to brush my teeth for 5 weeks. I didn’t actually sell my car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. When they say 2 percent milk I don’t know what the other 98 percent is. When I was a baby my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.” -Andy Dwyer
  20. “I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.” – Chris Traeger
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    Parks And Recreation/ Giphy
  21. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.” – Ron Swanson
  22. “One person’s annoying is another’s inspiring and heroic.” – Leslie Knope
  23. “I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.” -Tom Haverford
  24. “You have all the strengths.” – Leslie Knope
  25. “No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I’m like a white, male US Senator.” – Leslie Knope
  26. “Thank god my grandfather just died, so I am fluh-uh-shed with ca-ah-ash.” – Jean Ralphio
  27. “Treat yo self.” – Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford
  28. “All I need to do is focus and stay calm.” – Leslie Knope
  29. “Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” – Ben Wyatt
  30. “Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.” -April Ludgate
  31. “Do it. Fierce. Power” – Leslie Knope
  32. “These dogs are so cute I want to throw up and kill myself.” – Craig Middlebrooks
  33. “Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my faithful employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.” – Chris Traeger
  34. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  35. “Can we have ONE conversation about feminism where MEN get to be in charge?” – Kip Bunthart
  36. “I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.” – Leslie Knope
  37. “His name is Champion because he’s the dog world champion.” – Andy Dwyer
  38. “I totally hear you, but, erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.” – Mona Lisa
  39. “When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.” – Ann Perkins
  40. “Oh Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.” – Leslie KnopeRelated: These Classic ‘Friends’ Quotes Will Have You Saying “How You Doin’”

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    Parks And Recreation/ Giphy
  41. “Bababooey.” – Ben Wyatt
  42. “LITerally.” – Chris Traeger
  43. “It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.” – Jean Ralphio
  44. “Say goodbye to your father.” – Orin
  45. “I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn’t any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.” -Leslie Knope
  46. “Do I look like I drink water?” -Donna Meagle
  47. “This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give to ourselves.” – Andy Dwyer
  48. “If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.” – Chris Traeger
  49. “You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.” – Leslie Knope
  50. “Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?” – Ann Perkins
  51. “Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.” -Tom Haverford
  52. “I believe assault should be legal if the person is a jerk.” – Leslie Knope
  53. “One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.” – Jean-Ralphio
  54. “Oh my god! [catches calculator] Hey, Dr. Buttons!…I mean, my old calculator. It doesn’t have a name.” – Ben Wyatt
  55. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  56. “My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two-inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.” – Leslie Knope
  57. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.” – Andy Dwyer
  58. “If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.” – Chris Traeger
  59. “It’s not my favorite shirt… but it is my least favorite shirt.” – Donna Meagle
  60. “A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.”
    – April Ludgate
  61. “I guess my thoughts on abortion are, you know, let’s all just have a good time.” – Bobby Newport
  62. “I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.” – Jean-Ralphio
  63. “I am super chill all the time.” – Leslie Knope
  64. “Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.” – Ron Swanson
  65. “Are you duking on my chest right now?” – Councilman Jamm
  66. “Pawnee’s Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shhhing.” – Leslie Knope
  67. “I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.” – April Ludgate
  68. “No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that.” – Ben Wyatt
  69. “I know what things are.” – Andy Dwyer
  70. “Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.” – Donna Meagle
  71. “Stop. Pooping.” – Chris Traeger
  72. “If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality.” – Leslie Knope
  73. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” – Ron Swanson
  74. “Well, I salsa your face.” – Ann Perkins
  75. “You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for…obvious reasons.” – Leslie Knope
  76. “Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.” – April Ludgate
  77. “I regret nothing. The end.” – Ron Swanson
  78. “Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.” – Tom Haverford
  79. “I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.” – Leslie Knope
  80. “Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.” – Leslie Knope
  81. “Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.” – Ben Wyatt
  82. “The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.” – Leslie Knope
  83. “I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf.” – Andy Dwyer
  84. “Guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.” – Leslie Knope
  85. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” – Ron Swanson
  86. “I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.” – April Ludgate
  87. “This seems like the type of place where a Ska band would go to shoot heroin.” – Ann Perkins
  88. “I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.” – Tom Haverford
  89. “I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three course meal where each course is made of dessert.” – Leslie Knope
  90. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” – Ron Swanson
  91. “Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.” – April Ludgate
  92. “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” – Andy Dwyer
  93. “I’m sorry, I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?” – Ben Wyatt
  94. “I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.” – Chris Traeger
  95. “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope
  96. “The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.” – April Ludgate
  97. “No one achieves anything alone.” – Leslie Knope
  98. “On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?” – Tom Haverford
  99. “I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.” – Donna Meagle
  100. “Do you think a depressed person could make this? No!” – Ben Wyatt
  101. “She’s the woooooorst!” – Jean Ralphio
  102. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.” – Andy Dwyer
  103. “Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them.” – Leslie Knope
  104. “I want to be a giant head and mouth, and just eat rows and rows of junk food pellets.” – Ann Perkins
  105. “My body is finely tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.” – Chris Traeger
  106. She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.” – April Ludgate
  107. “I guess some people object to powerful depictions of awesome ladies.” – Leslie Knope
  108. “Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Meagle motto.” – Donna Meagle
  109. “I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.” – Andy Dwyer
  110. “I call noodles: long-ass rice.” – Tom Haverford
  111. “I care. I care a lot. It’s kinda my thing.” – Leslie Knope
  112. “Pizza? Never heard of it.” – Ben Wyatt
  113. “I haven’t felt this good in years. And it’s not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It’s him.” – Ann Perkins
  114. “I have the toes I have, let’s leave it at that.” – Ron Swanson
  115. “You’re ridiculous and men’s rights is nothing.” – Leslie Knope
  116. “I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.” – Leslie Knope
  117. “What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.” – Leslie Knope
  118. “Ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst.” – Leslie Knope
  119. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” — Ron Swanson
  120. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” — Ron Swanson
  121. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” — Ron Swanson
  122. “If you don’y believe in love, what’s the point of living?” — Ron Swanson
  123.  “I love games that turn people agains each other.” — April Ludgate
  124. “I love you guys! And Ann specifically.”
  125. “Ann, you opalescent tree shark.”
  126. “Ann, there is nothing harder in the entire world than saying no to your beautiful face.”
  127. “Ann, you’re so sweet and innocent and pretty.”
  128. “I got run over by a Lexus!” — Jean-Ralphio
  129. “K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest littler shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana.” — Jean-Ralphio
  130. “I hope you brought a change of clothes. Your eyes are about to piss tears.” — Jean-Ralphio
  131. “I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.” — Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  132. “Daddy someone started a fire in your car because you took too long and (sings) I got bored.” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  133. “I totally hear you, but erm, I also don’t like what you’re saying. So if you say no I’m going to start a fire in the bathroom.” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  134. “Money pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee!” – Mona-Lisa Saperstein
  135. “Why don’t you turn that frizown upsidizity.” — Jean-Ralphio


Our favorite gang from Pawnee is known for dropping some of the funniest lines this side of the Indiana state line. But did you know the actors fibbed quite a few lines during their seven season run. And, real talk, these may be even funnier to watch than the show itself. Enjoy a compilation of their bloopers, below.



Parks & Rec Fun Facts Fans Will Love

— The show was originally pitched as a spinoff to The Office.

— A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, and if Parks & Rec creators had gone with their original title for the series, we would all be reading “Public Service” quotes.

— Andy Dwyer’s character was only supposed to appear for one season as Ann Perkin’s loser boyfriend, but creators loved Chris Pratt’s performance so much they made him a series regular.

— Jim O’Heir, the actor who plays Jerry Gergich, auditioned for the role of Ron Swanson. Obviously it didn’t go to him but the writers and creators loved him so much they wrote the character just for him.