30 Funny Andy Dwyer Quotes From 'Parks And Recreation'

30 Andy Dwyer Quotes Better Than 5,000 Candles In The Wind

March 23, 2020 Updated April 3, 2020

andy and april from parks and recreation
Greg Gayne/NBC

It’s been five sad years since we said goodbye to our favorite Parks Department and its lovable employees. Parks and Recreation may have wrapped in 2015, but the quotes from its hilarious characters live on forever. It’s hard to pin down which gave us more laughs: Leslie’s (Amy Poehler) over-the-top compliments, Jerry/Gary/Larry’s (Jim O’Heir) misfortune, Tom’s (Aziz Ansari) “treat yo’ self” attitude, Ron’s (Nick Offerman) anti-government policy while working in government, April Ludgate’s (Aubrey Plaza) dark and deadpan one-liners, or Andy’s kind-hearted but dopey persona.

To help narrow it down, we’re adding a list of our favorite Andy Dwyer quotes to our Parks and Rec collection. Read on for the very best of Mouse Rat’s frontrunner, Burt Macklin FBI, and Johnny Karate.

“Windows are the eyes to the house.”

“Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”

Andy: “I can’t believe we’re at Hogwarts!”
Ben: “No, that’s Buckingham Palace.”

“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.”

“I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.”

“Burt Macklin, FBI. The best damn agent they had, until I was framed for a crime I didn’t commit: stealing the president’s rubies.”

“I’ve always wanted a doorman named Ernie. Or Kip. I’m pretty flexible on that.”

“When they say 2% milk I don’t know what the other 98% is.”

“You’re the greatest wife ever. I wish I could marry you all over again.” (Gasps) “Let’s get divorced!”

“I have no idea what I’m doing but I know I do it really, really well.”

“I just wrote a new song. Okay. Bottom line: it’s called ‘Sex Hair.'”

“I promise I will not spit in anyone’s food unless they should request that I do.”

“If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.”

Andy: “Aw, babe…you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.”
April: “We’re married.”
Andy: “Still!”

andy dwyer quotes

“Butter is my favorite food.”

“I got stung once, I’m immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees! It does nothing!”

“I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.”

“The show must go wrong!”

“I’m not crying, okay? I’m just allergic to jerks!”

“Sometimes when I wipe, I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe and I’ll wipe a hundred times. Still poop. Still poop. It’s like I’m wiping a marker or something.”

Andy: “I want Ann back and she says she needs a guy with a lot of money.”
Leslie: “That doesn’t sound like Ann.”
Andy: “Well, I can’t really do her voice.”

“In order to think like one of these guys, you have to think like them.”

“This song is called ‘5,000 Candles in the Wind.'”

“The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, nice-y mean-y?”

“Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at the moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible.”

Andy: “I’m going to win you a million teddy bears.”
April: “Well, I want a billion teddybears.”
Andy: “Well, that’s a little unrealistic.”

“By day, Andy Dwyer: shoe-shinist. By different time of day, Andy Radical: possum-tackler. And by night…do whatever I want. No job.”

“I don’t know who Al Gore is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.”

“Looks like this Siberian Husky, is going to be Russian…off to jail.”

“Let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, my bad.”

andy dwyer quotes