103 Classic And Hilarious Bar Jokes That Will Make You Drunk On Laughter
A night out at your favorite bar is always a fun idea until you’re hit with an awkward silence. Whether you’re out on a new date or hanging with friends, a great way to break the ice is with a good joke. And what better joke to tell at a bar than a classic, “man walks into a bar” joke. Which is why we rounded up some of our favorite bar jokes and puns below. You’ll be the toast of the night with these babies.
Here are a few funny facts that’ll make good bar banter. Did you know Abraham Lincoln had a liquor license and sold whiskey before becoming president? One of our founding fathers was basically a bartender! And to keep things historical, early colonialists made alcohol out of almost everything, like tomatoes, carrots, onions, squash, celery, beets, and even dandelions. And if you think that’s silly, guess how many bubbles are in one bottle of champagne — 49 million! Their corks can pop out at more than 50 miles per hour, which is strong enough to crack glass.
Remember that the next time you see someone popping a bottle on TV. And just think about how many of your favorite sitcoms take place in bars (Hellooo! Cheers, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother). Jokes are made for pubs and taverns, so use our funnies to create your comedic moment. This list is so good, even your sober friends will laugh at them.
Best Bar Jokes
- The past, present, and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
- A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?” And the guy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
- A man walks into a bar. He said, “Ouch.”
- An oxymoron walks into a bar, and the sound was deafening.
- Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.” The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”
- The NSA walks into a bar.
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says. The NSA smiles and says, “Heard it.”
- A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.
The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
- A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.
As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!” Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled, and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!” He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?” “Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
- Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”
- So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
- A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
- An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?” The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
- Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar…
 *co-founder of Wikipedia
- Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
- A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender, “What’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat and says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
- Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.” His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
- A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”
- Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
- Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
- An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “You mathematicians don’t know your limits.”
- A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?” The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice, the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” Suddenly, the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. “What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?”
- A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”
The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”
- The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers in here.”
A time-traveler walks into a bar.
- A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
- A French man walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” “France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
- E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
- A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, the definition for panda was: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.” RELATED: 108 Dirty Jokes To Tell Your Friends That You Can’t Help But Laugh At
- A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?”
The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies. The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
- Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bartender here?”
- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
- This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper. And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
- Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?” “Look,” Caesar replies. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
- Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.” The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”
- A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey — quick!” So the barkeep sets them up, and the man knocks them all back in seconds. “Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep. “You’d drink fast too if you had what I have,” says the man. “Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep. “Only 12 cents.”
- ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”
- Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”
- A ghost walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
- A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells. “Some kind of joke?”
- A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
- A ship captain walks into a bar, he has an eye patch and a peg leg, and also a ship’s wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, “Hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy?” “Nay, lad, now make with the grog,” says the captain. “What about that peg leg? It’s got to be annoying?” “Nay again, lad, you get used to it.” “But that ship’s wheel in your pants…” “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
- A penguin walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “So, what will it be this time?” The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.
- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.
- A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!” The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, don’t have nails.” The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”
- A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
- A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
- A sandwich walks into a bar.
The landlord says, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”
- This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”
- A man walks into a bar owned by horses.
The bartender says, “Why the short face?”
- A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”
The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change. The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.” RELATED: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of
- A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar.
As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, “Hey buddy, what’s the matter? You can’t believe that a horse can tend bar?” “No,” the guys says. “I can’t believe the ferret sold the place.”
- A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
- A run-on sentence walks into a bar and starts flirting with a cute little sentence fragment.
- A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
- A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger of having a live animal in a bar.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
- Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please” The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H2O too.” The second scientist died.
- A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
- A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?”
- An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.
The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.” This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.” “My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
- A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says, “I object to that remark.” The guy responds, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” “No, I’m an asshole,” says the man.
- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
- A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
- A corn stalk walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”
- A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?” The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
- A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone around.
- A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
- A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $10.00” He checks his wallet and asks the sexy bartender, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.
He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
- A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
- A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
- A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please! And one for the road!”
- A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie. “Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says. A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills. “And for your other two wishes?” asks the genie. Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
- A Scottish man walks into a bar…
There’s usually an Irish man and English man in this joke, but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.
- A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife. He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a pint and a mop.”
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
- A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons.
“Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy. After arguing about it for a few minutes, the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.” They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously, he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron. The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, “I want what he’s having!” pointing to the guy. The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death. The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole.”
- Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve Noble Gases here.”
He doesn’t react.
- Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H20.” The second chemist says, “I’ll take a water too.” The first chemist breaks down in tears. His assassination attempt failed.
- George R.R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone you’ve ever loved dies.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…” The bartender cuts him off saying, “You only get one shot.”
- A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
- A guy walks into a wedding reception.
He goes up to the bartender and asks, “Is this the punch line?”
- A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?” He looks around, but there’s no one near. Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?” The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
- A Roman walks into a bar and says, “One martinus please.”
The bartender replies, “Don’t you mean martini?” The Roman says, “If I wanted more than one, I would have asked.”
- A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye. Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?” To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
- A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” “Why not?” asks the snake. “You can’t hold your liquor.”
- Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
- An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
- An Irish man walked out of a bar.
- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
- A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swings him around in a circle.
The bartender says, “Hey buddy, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me, I’m just looking around.”
- Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
- A new lawyer walks into a diner.
“Where’s the bar?” he asks. A waitress responds, “You passed it on the way here.”
- A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey.
The bartender says, “Sorry friend, I can’t serve you; you’ve been getting wasted all day long!”
- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
- A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”
- Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.
- A beaver walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Close the dam door!”
- Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Eooooooooohahummmuuuuuuuuoooooooaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.”
The second whale turns to the first and says… “Frank, what is wrong with you?”
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