Let’s be real: life can be hard. Sometimes you need a little humor to get you through the day. Laughter is the best medicine, after all! But some of us have a slightly more twisted sense of humor than others. Is there anything funnier than some NSFW dirty jokes that get you laughing when you shouldn’t? We don’t think so, and that’s why we’ve compiled a list of the best dirty jokes and one-liners that’ll have you struggling to keep a straight face.
Plenty on this hilariously inappropriate list are sex jokes and dirty riddles that are totally inappropriate for kids. (So, yeah, keep them away from kids.) We’ve got everything from masturbation quips to immature schoolyard jests about oral sex. Here’s the surprising thing: Dirty jokes pop up (do ya see what we did there?) much more than you might think. You’re going to want to have a few raunchy zingers handy for the next random occasion you want to flex your naughty comedic chops. Also, let it be said that you don’t have to feel any shame for being here. We’re all adults, right? Sex is fun. Sex can also be funny. And it can be both of those things both in and out of the bedroom. That’s what makes us love dirty jokes even more — they’re like a treat at the end of the day, after bedtime, when only the adults are left standing.
We even brought out the big guns by throwing in a few dirty jokes of the knock-knock variety. So, keep reading to find our favorite naughty funnies. Just don’t read this bunch before any big board meetings — you’re going to be stifling your laughter all damn day.
Best Dirty Jokes
- Why did the ketchup blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
- What did the elephant ask the naked man?
“How do you breathe out of that thing?”
- Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
She outgrew her b-shells!
- How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
- What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
- What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
A $100 bill.
- How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
- What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.
- What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
- What kind of bees make milk?
- Knock, knock!
Open the door and find out, asshole!
- Knock, knock.
- Knock, knock.
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!
- What do clowns get turned on by?
Balloon blow-up dolls.
- What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
- Did you hear about the man who got turned into a giant penis?
He was a real dick about it.
- What does a horny frog say?
- What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
- Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
- Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
- What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
- An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.
The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.”
“You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
- What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
- An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
Best Sex Jokes
- What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
“It’s all good in the hood!”
- My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex…
I said I haven’t looked.
- What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?
- A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”
- Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.
- A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
- What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris?
Men don’t care.
- What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?
- What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
“Beat it. We’re closed!”
- Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away.
- Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)”
- What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off!
- What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
- What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?
“It’s not what it looks like!”
- Knock, knock.
Not someone who?
Not someone who will get you laid.
- How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.
- Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?
Never mind. You’ll never get it!
- What did the banana say to the vibrator?
“Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”
- Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
- Knock, knock.
Dewey see a condom? It’s dark in here!
- What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
- The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “Fuck my life.”
The neighbor heard, “Fuck my wife.”
- What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.
- What did the penis say to the vagina?
“Don’t make me cum in there!”
- Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.
- What’s another name for a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dicks.
- What did the banana tell the vibrator?
You’re the one shaking? I’m about to get eaten!
- What does Popeye use as a lubricant?
- Why is Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
- What’s better than pansies on a piano?
Tulips on your organ!
- What did the penis say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”
- Why is winning the lottery like having sex with triplets?
With both, you can say you’ve had six identical balls.
- What did Adam say to Eve?
“Stand back. I don’t know how big this thing’s gonna grow.”
- What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
- My girlfriend told me she always smokes after sex.
I told her we should use some lube next time.
- What’s the one difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb.
- Why did Popeye punch the Pope?
He heard he went to Mount Olive.
- I just had sex in an elevator.
It was great on so many levels.
- What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
- What did the woman say when her boyfriend cried after sex?
“I had you pegged for someone else.”
- What do you get when you screw a textbook?
A D in math.
- My wife says if 1,000 people upvote this joke, she’ll try anal right then and there.
So don’t vote until Tuesday. She’s on a business trip.
- After a decade, the police are still in pursuit of the Viagra thief.
He’s just so hard to catch.
- Convincing my lover to take Viagra was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
- What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.
- How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
- Everybody knows Eve wore a fig leaf. But what did Adam wear?
A hole in it!
- We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!
- What do bridge and sex have in common?
If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a really good hand!
- Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!
- Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.
- How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
The sex drive.
- I tried phone sex once…
But the holes were too small.
- My bae told me that sex is better on vacation.
It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever received.
- Boyfriend: “Want a quickie?”
Girlfriend: “As opposed to what?”
- Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
- What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
- A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night — it was on the tip of my tongue.”
- A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, “I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?”
The other guy says, “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
- Two sex workers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”
- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
- A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life.
- What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole bird.
- If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
- “Recently, my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'” — Jimmy Carr
- Heckler: “Do people love your comedy?”
Comedian: “I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of it many times.”
Best Dirty Puns
- Yes, I have my period.
No, I’m not ovary acting.
- Ever had sex while camping?
It’s fucking intense (in-tents).
- Lick me ’till ice cream.
- What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest and no booty.
- What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
- When should condoms be used?
Every conceivable occasion.
- I’m trying to finish writing a script for an adult film…
But there are just too many holes in the plot.
- Constipation is such a pain in the ass.
- Diarrhea is hereditary — it runs in your jeans.
- What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Better hold onto your nuts; this is no ordinary blowjob.
- My friend met a male porn actor the other day.
She told me he was really cocky.
- My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar.
I have to fill her slot instead.
- A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it.
- Let’s play carpenter.
First, we’ll get hammered. Then I’ll nail you.
- Why is Santa’s sack is so big?
He only comes once a year!
- Sex on TV can’t hurt…
Unless you fall off.
- I got mad at my bae for pulling out.
I told him it was a dick move.
- That submarine is long, hard, and full of seamen.
- It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle…
He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
- That tea bag was surprisingly better the second time around.
- A pearl necklace would go well with that dress.
Disney Dirty Jokes
- Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long?
Because he had Pooh stuck inside him.
- Why does Ariel wear seashells?
Because the B shells are too small.
- Why did the seven dwarves go to jail?
They sold all their gems for hi-hoes!
- Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?
Because every time she gets to sixty-nine she gets a frog in her throat.
- What are the best-selling Disney sex toys?
Woody and Buzz.
- What did Genie say to Aladdin?
Rub me three times and I will come.
- Wanna know something about Pinocchio?
His nose ain’t the only piece of wood that grows.
- Why doesn’t Thumper make noise during sex?
Because he has cotton balls.
- What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
- What did Cinderella say to her prince?
“Want to see if it fits?”
- Why was Anger so furious?
Because Sadness touched one of his balls.
- Why doesn’t Eeyore have any friends?
Because he plays with Pooh all day.
- How did Mickey feel when he first saw Minnie?
It was glove at first sight.
- What did Nala say to Simba?
Hakuna these tatas.
- Why was Tigger in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
- What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?
Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.
- Why do Chip ‘N Dale sit on their butts all day?
To keep their nuts dry.
- Who is Cogsworth’s best friend?
His favorite candlestick.
- Why did Belle get kicked out of Disney World?
She sat on Pinnochio’s face and screamed, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”
- What did Nala say to Simba in bed?
Move fasta (Mufasa)
- What do the 101 Dalmatians say after sex?
That hit the spot.
- What did Winnie the Pooh say to his new love interest?
Show me the honey.
- What is Mickey’s favorite treat?
Minnie Mice cream.
- What do you call a nanny that doesn’t flush?
Mary Poopins the toilet.
- What are Muppets puppeteers really good at?
- Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
- Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
The grass tickles their balls.
- What’s slimy, cold, long, and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog‘s finger.
- What is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
- What did Nala say to Simba during sex?
Move fasta (Mufasa).