69 Dick Jokes That Will Make It Hard Not To Laugh

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
best dick jokes

No matter your age, it’s good to check maturity at the door sometimes, and just laugh at juvenile things. And, truly, is there anything more juvenile than a good dick joke? Nope. So we’ve gone ahead and rounded up the best ones out there. These dick jokes, puns, and one-liners are just the tip of the laughter iceberg.

RELATED: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of

When it comes to dick jokes, quality doesn’t matter. Bringing the male membrane into a gag is always hilarious. Period. So if you’re looking to laugh at a dirty joke, we have the funnies for you. You probably can’t whip these out at work, but your bestie and cool family members will be all ears. You’ll feel cocky when you tell them and get your audience laughing hard.

Now that all the puns are out of the way, enjoy these hilarious, perfectly raunchy dick jokes.

RELATED: Considering Circumcision? What To Know About Circumcision Care

  1. A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

  1. How do you compliment someone on performing a circumcision?

Tell ’em to keep the tip.

  1. Why doesn’t the rooster wear underwear?

Cause he has his pecker on his head.

  1. Husband: “I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.”

Wife: “You have the biggest penis out of all your friends.”

  1. Masturbating is for dicks.
  2. What’s the insensitive part at the end of the penis called again?

Oh, right, a man.

  1. Why are men so thick?

Because they only have that tiny hole in their penis to get oxygen to their brain.

  1. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breathe through that thing?”

  1. Why does the doctor smack babies on the butt after they are born?

To make sure the dicks get knocked off the smart ones.

Saturday Night Live/ NBC

  1. Old Edna at the nursing home tells old Harry that if he shows her his penis, she can tell him his age.

He pulls down his pants, and she looks and says, “You’re 88.” “Wow,” he says. “How did you guess that?” “You told me yesterday,” Edna replied.

  1. There are three naughty boys in a classroom: Zip, Dick, and Pea.

The teacher leaves the room and Zip gets on top of her desk, Dick goes inside a cabinet, and Pea runs out the window and waves. The teacher comes back and says, “Hey! Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”

  1. What did the penis say to the vagina?

“Don’t make me cum in there!”

  1. What happened to the man who built a penis out of LEGOs?

He got cock blocked.

  1. Where do bad dicks go?

To the penistentiary.

  1. Did you know that men have three knees?

The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee.

  1. What does the sign on a closed brothel say?

Beat it.

  1. Why did the dick go crazy?

Someone was messing with his head.

  1. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She choked

  1. What fruit is good for your sperm count?

A kumquat!

  1. What’s another name for a diaphragm?

A trampoline for dicks.

  1. Where does the penis get his workout outfit?

At Dick’s Sporting Goods.

  1. Life is like a dick.

It gets hard for no reason, and it is much too short.

  1. What does 69 equal?

A couple of mouthfuls.

  1. What do you call a man with three legs?

Tom, Dick, and Harry.

  1. Why are you being passive-aggressive?

Do you have a boner to pick with me or something?

  1. Why did the battleship need a deep clean?

It was full of seamen.

  1. What do you call a penis on a beach getaway?

Sunny D.

  1. Political opinions are like dicks.

It’s OK to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.

  1. Why don’t ants have dicks?

If they did, they would be uncles!

Warner Bros.

  1. Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

  1. Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

  1. What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

  1. Did you see the statue of a dick?

They just erected it.

  1. What do you call a printed dick pic?

A hard copy.

  1. What do you call a self-centered penis?


  1. My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.

I guess it’s because his name is Matthew.

  1. What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny.

  1. Rude people are like dicks.

They’re always popping up at inopportune times, and they deserve a good beating.

  1. Woman: “Is having a penis fun?”

Man: “Oh, it has its ups and downs.”

  1. The best penis joke ever…

I would tell you, but it’s long.

  1. How long is my dick?

I don’t know. I only have one ruler.

  1. What’s the best penis joke?

I’ll share it, but it isn’t very long.

  1. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them, turn them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

  1. A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel attached to the front of his pants.

“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asks the bartender. The pirate replies, “YARR, It’s driving me nuts!”

  1. What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

  1. I tried phone sex once.

But the holes in the dialer were too small.

  1. My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

  1. Knock, knock.

Who’s there? Some! Some who? Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.

  1. What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?

A penis

  1. The pharmaceutical term for Viagra is mycoxaflopin.

And the generic brand is mydixadrupin.

  1. A wife and a husband were setting up their computers.

The husband made his password “my dick,” and his wife fell on the floor laughing. The computer said the password was too short.

  1. What’s the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a dick?

I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

  1. A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One sack has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers, and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout, ‘Give me $20 or it comes clean off!'” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says. “So, what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies, “Not everyone pays…”

  1. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dick-tater.

  1. I tried, but I just couldn’t solve the riddle about the dick…

It was too hard.

  1. Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his dick inside Princess Leia for the first time?

It was Luke warm.

  1. Doctor: “Does your penis burn after intercourse?”

Patient: “I don’t know. I never tried lighting it.”

  1. Husband: “I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it.”

Wife: “I think I’ll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it.”

  1. What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

  1. Brain: What if trees had dicks?

Me: Go to bed. Brain: Tree dicks. Me: … Brain: Tree dicks everywhere. Me: … Brain: Hear me out — treenises.

  1. Friend No. 1: Why is Bob short for Robert?

Friend No. 2: How do you get “Billy” out of William? Friend No. 3: For real, though, how do you get “Dick” from Richard? Friend No. 4: You ask him nicely.

  1. Scientist: Dick bug.

Other scientist: No. Scientist: Penis beetle. Other scientist: No. Scientist: Cock roach. Other scientist: OK, sure.

  1. What do you call a puppet with a big dick?

Well strung.

  1. Who was the world’s first carpenter?

Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand.

  1. Why does a dick have a hole in the end?

So men can be open-minded.

  1. Why did the old lady walk into a sex shop?

She saw eggplants advertised on their storefront.

  1. What couldn’t the man with the two penises think?

He didn’t have enough blood left over for that function.

  1. I would make a dick joke…

…but I don’t have one.

  1. Why do people like dick jokes?

Because you can’t spell happiness without “ha penis.”

This article was originally published on