The Best Form Of Birth Control For Parents? Small Children AKA Little C*ckblockers

by Joanna McClanahan
Antonio Diaz / Shutterstock

Having two kids was the best thing that ever happened to me that also made me not want to have any other children, ever.

I used to forget to take my birth control before I had kids, but not anymore. Now every night, I remember to take my pill as I prepare for the battle of getting two small kids to sleep.

But what I’ve discovered is that I probably don’t need to be taking my pill at all because my husband and I rarely get the chance to do it in the first place.

As it turns out, raising small children is its own form of birth control. There’s not a lot of time to sneak away or feel sexy when you’re dealing with any or all of the following:

1. Exhaustion

I can’t remember the last time I got more than six hours of uninterrupted sleep. I am so tired all the time. From the moment I leave my bed in the morning, I fantasize about getting back in it. And once I’m finally lying down, I can barely keep my eyes open. So, when it comes to sex, no, I don’t have the energy to touch it or even look at it. Sorry, babe.

2. Feeling Gross

It’s hard to feel sexy when it’s been three days since my last shower — at least I think it’s been three days. And there are parts of my body that haven’t been shaved in God-knows-how-long. And even when I do get to change out of my stained yoga pants and oversized shirt and take a shower, I’m still getting used to my “mom body” and being squishy in places I didn’t used to be squishy. I’m working on my body positivity, but for now, no touching.

3. Actual Gross Things

Parents aren’t easily grossed out. I’m used to seeing, smelling, hearing, and cleaning a variety of things expelled from our small children. But there are some situations that are especially, well, shitty, such as potty-training or bathtub-pooping. Or when your child throws up all over the [insert any noun that isn’t the toilet because it’s never the toilet]. It’s not always easy to switch gears between cleaning up vomit and feeling like a sex goddess.

4. Co-Sleeping

Our bed is prime “relations” real estate, and yes, our kids are a bunch of squatters who have taken up residence smack in the middle of it. So, the bed is out. And that leaves few other locations for relations around our house for a couple who is not as limber as they used to be. We probably could do it in the shower, but who has the energy for that? (See No. 1) Knowing our luck, one of us would probably fall and slip a disc.

5. Zero Alone Time

Assuming we’d even be able to sneak away to the bathroom together (I know it sounds super-romantic, but at least it has a lock), the kids would never leave us alone for more than two minutes. They have some sixth sense that knows when you are naked, and they will do everything in their power to cockblock you. It doesn’t matter how into the moment you are, once you switch back to “parent mode” to help find their tablet, or start a movie, or give them a handful of candy, it’s hard to get your groove back again. I believe the Latin term for this is Coitus Interruptus.

I’ve heard that parenting gets easier when the kids get a little older (only to get worse in other ways, for other reasons, when they become tweens and teens), but for now we’re in the trenches together.

Like this evening, when I tried to kiss my husband in the kitchen, and my daughter yelled, “MY POOP LOOKS LIKE A BANANA,” before asking one of us to help wipe her.

I’m not saying that romance is dead, but it’s definitely busy babysitting right now. Birth control.