79 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine' Quotes As Good As "Title Of Your Sex Tape"

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
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For the uninitiated, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is The Office or Parks And Recreation of cop shows. That’s not by accident, either. That’s because Mike Schur, the producer and co-creator behind the two fan-favorite series, is also the mastermind who co-created Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And if you somehow live under a rock and have not watched a sitcom since the Must-See-TV days, then think of it as the Friends of cop shows — and Ugly Naked Guy was just brought in for questioning. There, that about sums it up.

Like its comedy counterparts, Brooklyn is full of hilarious quotes, jokes, and one-liners so witty it earned fans and critics’ hearts alike. So much so that according to the latest search data available to us, Brooklyn Nine-Nine quotes have a search volume of nearly 6,600 a month. That’s per month! The show has even done the impossible and found a catchphrase in the vein of, “that’s what she said.” So we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some of our favorites in the hopes you’ll be inspired to binge-watch the series all over again.

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1. “Title of your sex tape.” — Jake Peralta

2. “Sarge, with all due respect, I am gonna completely ignore everything you just said.” — Jake Peralta

3. “I ate one string bean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me.” — Sergeant Terry Jeffords

4. “The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I’m incorporating emojis into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.” — Gina Linetti

5. “A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You’re describing hell.” — Rosa Diaz

6. “Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.” — Jake Peralta

7. “If I die, turn my tweets into a book.” — Gina Linetti

8. “Fine, but in protest, I’m walking over there extremely slowly!” — Jake Peralta

9. “Move over, Peralta! Move over! Okay. And if I may do a third toast, it’ll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt.” — Sergeant Terry Jeffords

10. “I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.” — Captain Holt

11. “Captain Wuntch, good to see you. But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?” — Captain Holt

12. “I’m playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I’m hydrated as hell, and I’m listening to Sheryl Crow. I’ve got my own party going on.” — Sergeant Terry Jeffords

13. “Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.” — Rosa Diaz

14. “Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton RE: her sex tape.” — Gina Linetti

15. “Title of your sex tape.” — Amy Santiago

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16. “Jake, piece of advice: Just give up. It’s the Boyle way. It’s why our family crest is a white flag.” — Charles Boyle

17. “OK, no hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye.” — Gina Linetti

18. “Hello, unsolved case. Do you bring me joy? No, because you’re boring and you’re too hard. See ya.” — Norm Scully

19. “Great, I’d like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.” — Jake Peralta

20. “I don’t want to hang out with some stupid baby who’s never met Jake.” — Charles Boyle

21. “Well, no one asked you. It’s a self-evaluation.” — Michael Hitchcock

22. Jake Peralta: “Thought I might find you here. So not a big fan of my speech, huh?”

Amy Santiago: “No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn’t been at a wake. And I wish you hadn’t kept referring to me as your dead boss.”

23. Rosa Diaz: “Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.”

Jake Peralta: “I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.”

24. Captain Holt: “Everyone, I’m your new Commanding Officer, Captain Ray Holt.”

Amy Santiago: “Speech!” Captain Holt: “That was my speech.” Amy Santiago: “Short and sweet.”

25. “Captain, hey! Welcome to the murder.” — Jake Peralta

26. “With all due respect, that pigeon is clearly a Ray J. Hi, Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 Emoji.” — Gina Linetti

27. Madeline Wuntch: “Sticks and stones, Raymond.”

Captain Holt: “Describing your breakfast?”

28. “This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.” — Gina Linetti

29. Jake Peralta: “So, we broke a rule.”

Amy Santiago: “Yeah. Hope it wasn’t a mistake.” Jake Peralta: “Hope it wasn’t a mistake. Title of your sex tape. Oh! Title of our sex tape!”

30. Gina Linetti: “Captain. I know this isn’t my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.”

Captain Holt: “Actually, that’s exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What, precisely, did you think your job was?”

31. “It’s Gina’s phone. Leave me a voice mail. I won’t check it ’cause it’s not 1993.” — Gina Linetti’s voice mail

32. “Jake, why don’t you just do the right thing and jump out a window? Captain Holt will never fire me if he knows I’m mourning the death of a close friend.” — Gina Linetti

33. “You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.” — Gina Linetti

34. “You think you can just bully people, but you can’t. It’s not OK. I’m the bully around here. Ask anyone.” — Gina Linetti

35. “The only thing I’m not good at is modesty, because I’m great at it.” — Gina Linetti

36. “But the fact that you’re not willing to give up in the face of adversity is inspiring. I love the Nine-Nine, and I’m not gonna turn my back on the squad.” — Captain Holt

37. “Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can’t I just think with my junk like a modern man?” — Charles Boyle

38. “So, what is this? Casual, serious? I need to know how to make fun of you.” — Rosa Diaz

39. “Captain? The kids want to know where Paulie the Pigeon is. I told them he got sucked up into an airplane engine. Is that all right?” — Gina Linetti

40. Amy Santiago: “Rule number three: Let’s not have sex right away.”

Jake Peralta: “Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.”

41. Rosa Diaz: “We can go to my apartment. No one knows where I live.”

Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “I thought you had Amy over there once.” Rosa Diaz: “Yeah, it was fun. I moved the next day.”

42. “Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.” — Rosa Diaz

43. Rosa Diaz: “I’ve only said I love you to three people. My mom, my dad, and my dying grandpa. And one of those I regret.”

Charles Boyle: “Which one?” Rosa Diaz: “Grandpa. He beat cancer, so now I look like an idiot.”

44. “Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum-flavored bubble gum. Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all. Never vacation in Banff.” — Captain Holt

45. “But my point is this: I don’t care what time it is. I’m always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I’m gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!” — Jake Peralta

46. “No, no, no, I don’t mess with computers, OK? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I’m done with this.” — Adrian Pimento

47. “What is the bandwidth on the Wi-Fi here? We have much content to stream.” — Jake Peralta

48. Captain Holt: “Please be seated. Friends, colleagues, gawking New Yorkers, we are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I’ve known you both for the last five years. And it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I’m sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I’m proud of you. And I love you both.”

Jake Peralta: “Permission to say it back?” Captain Holt: “Permission granted.” Amy Santiago: “I love you too, sir.” Jake Peralta: “Love you, Captain.”

49. “Wait, first, let’s say a prayer. Dear Beyonce, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that’s white, Cardi B, please bless this flush. A-women.” — Gina Linetti

50. Jake Peralta: “I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I even told them that Scully was a Make-a-Wish kid with a rare disease that makes him look like a giant old baby.”

Rosa Diaz: “Did you call it Scullyosis?” Jake Peralta: “Damn it, Rosa, that’s really good and completely useless to me now.”

51. Charles Boyle: “OK, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.”

Rosa Diaz: “Clearly.”

52. “Wait a minute, this isn’t the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you’re not Cheddar. You’re just some common bitch.” — Captain Holt

53. “Breakups are a cartoony thumbs down. They make people feel face-with-Xs-for-the-eyes.” — Gina Linetti

54. “Let’s not overlook the fact that he turned his crime scenes into tea parties for dollies.” — Captain Holt

55. Jake Peralta: “Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.”

Gina Linetti: “Aren’t you forgetting something?” (Jake gives Gina a kiss on the forehead) Gina Linetti: “Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?”

56. “I’m scared of businessmen. A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles.” — Gina Linetti

57. “I need someone to take this personality test for my psych class. I was hoping to wow my professor with a genuine psycho. Like Amy. Or Hitchcock. Or Charles would be great.” — Gina Linetti

58. “I was thinking how I would make the perfect American president based upon my skill set, dance ability, and bloodlust.” — Gina Linetti

59. “I worked at a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.” — Gina Linetti

60. “I’d describe the workflow today as dismal, with a tiny dash of pathetic.” — Gina Linetti

61. “It’s such a classic Boyle trait to not recognize talent. My cousin Susan didn’t know she could sing until her late 40s.” — Charles Boyle

62. “Aw, man. All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.” — Jake Peralta

63. Charles Boyle: “I bet it’s really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.”

Jake Peralta: “No, it’s probably just an empty white cube, with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he’s on sleep mode.”

64. “We’ve busted murderers; we’ve taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer: the fire department.” — Jake Peralta

65. Fire Marshall Boone: “Detective Peralta, your fly is down. I made you look.”

Jake Peralta: “I didn’t look. And I’m wearing shorts; there is no fly.”

66. “You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said ‘bitches,’ I’m just really worked up.” — Charles Boyle

67. Charles Boyle: “Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a lineup. Will you be Scary Terry?”

Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry’s thinking.”

68. Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “You should take my minivan.”

Rosa Diaz: “A minivan? Ha ha.” Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn’t like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!”

69. “I’m a detective. I will detect.” — Sergeant Terry Jeffords

70. Jake Peralta: “That was 18 days ago. He’s getting saner by the minute. In a month, he’ll basically just be Frasier.”

Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “Don’t use Frasier’s name in vain.” Jake Peralta: “Copy that.”

71. Jake Peralta: “You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean, Terry’s our boss, and he comes with us every year.”

Sergeant Terry Jeffords: “Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man’s boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.”

72. “I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.” — Jake Peralta

73. “Do you know how many basic bitches would kill to have my personality?” — Gina Linetti

74. “Um, did something awkward happen? I can probably relate.” — Charles Boyle

75. “‘Be myself’ — what kind of garbage advice is that?” — Jake Peralta

76. “I have decided to stop fighting it and lean in to the fact that I’m an idiot.” — Captain Holt

77. Jake Peralta: “I’m quick at math.”

Captain Holt: “OK, what’s 38 x 76?” Jake Peralta: “24.” Captain Holt: “That’s not even close.” Jake Peralta: “But it was quick.”

78. “I don’t care for cheese. I’m a curd-mudgeon.” — Captain Holt

79. Gina Linetti: “Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?”

Captain Holt: “Yes. I wish it were tan.” Gina Linetti: “What?” Captain Holt: “It’s my favorite color. It’s no-nonsense.”

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