If you work in an office, you’ve probably wondered what you could do to break up the drudgery, monotony, or outright horror of the workday. Maybe gossip makes you feel too catty or you’re tired of hiding in the bathroom stall scrolling mindlessly through Twitter. Sometimes, a joke or two is all you need to make the day go by a little faster. So share some jokes with your coworkers about how capitalism is soul-sucking and your CEO is literally a sentient wasp. Hey, whatever gets you through the day!
1. Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.
2. If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.
3. There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, “what steps would you take in the event of a fire?”
“Big Ones” was the wrong answer.
4. Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.
5. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
6. Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
7. HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
HR: “And besides that?”
Me: “Follow up questions”
8. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
9. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
10. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
11. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
12. A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
13. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
14. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
15. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
16. To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
17. A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
18. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
19. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
20. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
21. I tried to start a hot air ballooning business but it never took off.
22. I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
23. I used to own a paper business but it folded.
24. I got fired from the orange juice factory. I just couldn’t concentrate.
25. Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?
Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.
26. Boss: “How can we keep the office clean?”
Me: “By staying at home.”
27. HR manager: “Just go to hell!”
Me: “So, should I stay or leave? I’m confused.”
28. You know what they say about a clean desk? It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
29. If an accountant’s partner cannot sleep, what do they say?
“Dear, could you tell me about your work day?”
30. Why was the vampire removed as CEO?
He couldn’t appeal to the stakeholders.
31. Why was the CEO of a leading prosthetics company arrested?
It came out that he was involved in international arms dealing.
32. Did you hear about the woman who became CEO of a cannabis company?
She finally broke through the grass ceiling.
33. The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
34. Q: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
35. Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
36. What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment!
37. What is the difference between a CEO and a vulture?
Vultures fly and at least have the decency to wait until you die to eat you.
38. I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,
39. After reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!
I’m going to write a self-help book.
40. Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?
41. Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.
42. Why do banks have drive thru windows?
So the cars can meet their real owners.
43. Why are there no toilets in some banks?
Because they don’t accept such deposits.
44. Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
45. Why do bankers make for great lovers
Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals.
46. What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark.
47. Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?
Because he was a loaner.
48. My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.
It’s the laughing stock.
49. I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.
You could say I have a complex complex complex.
50. What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying stocks?
In the first case you help finance the local community swimming pool. In the second case you help finance your stockbroker’s home swimming pool.