The *Best* Friend

32 Laugh-Out-Loud Chandler Bing Quotes To Feed Your Friends Nostalgia

Could he be any funnier?

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

It’s been nearly two decades since the TV series Friends aired its final episode and the gang bid adieu to their completely overpriced, unrealistically large New York City apartment — leaving fans with a gaping hole in our hearts. And while a lot has changed since then, one thing has remained constant: Fans still can’t get enough of all things Monica and Ross Geller, Rachel Green, Chandler Bing, Joey Tribbiani, and Phoebe Buffay. With the on-again, off-again talks of an official reboot teasing their way into the press, we’ve had to make do with the crumbs the cast throws our way with the occasional Instagram posts and the 2021 cast reunion.

While every friend on Friends is a gem, there is one whose humor stands out even among the fictional roommates: Matthew Perry’s Chandler. With a job no one quite understood and a sarcastic quip for every situation, the warm and hilarious “Chanandler Bong” was the kind of friend to help you up when you fell but also to laugh at your bruised bum the rest of the day.

With Perry’s 2023 passing, millions of fans feel even more appreciative of the time the actor devoted to bringing us all the funniest, quirkiest, most sarcastic, and most charming TV sitcom character ever.

So, yeah, this is a Chandler Bing quotes appreciation post. Enjoy.

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1. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”

2. Chandler: “I got her machine.”

Joey: “Her answering machine?”

Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough her leafblower picked up.”

3. (To a door) “I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.”

4. Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”

Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”

5. “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”

6. Janice: “What a small world.”

Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyonce.”

7. “So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.”

8. Joey: “Oh, sorry, did I get ya?”

Chandler: “No, you didn’t get me. It’s an electric drill, if you get me, you kill me!”

9. “Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

10. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

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11. “If I were a guy... and did I just say ‘if I were a guy?'”

12. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times.”

13. “Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh, crap!'”

14. “Could we be more white trash?”

15. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”

16. “What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”

17. “Cheese: It’s milk that you chew.”

18. “When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”

19. “It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”

20. Ross: “No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”

Chandler: “Well, maybe he was nervous”

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21. “Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”

22. “I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner; I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”

23. Monica: “OK, I’ve got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.”

Chandler: “How do you find clothes that fit?”

24. (Ross directs Chandler and Rachel while getting a sofa up some stairs) “PIVOT. PIVOT. PIVOT”

Chandler: “SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

25. “Why, yes, Ross, pressing my third nipple. It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.”

26. “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.”

27. “We swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good?”

28. “Like what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan Chan Man!”

29. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”

J. Delvalle/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty Images

30. “Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?”

31. “Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow, tin chest.”

32. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!”

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