Eye do declare — eye puns and eye jokes might just be among the funniest of all nerd humor. Sure, we enjoy some excellent math jokes, and who doesn’t LOL in the face of a witty science pun? It goes without saying that we’ll always have a soft spot for space jokes. But there’s something about the fact that you can turn almost anything into an eye zinger that makes this brand of jokes particularly satisfying. You don’t have to be an optometrist, an optician, or a preschooler to find this list hilarious. You just need a solid sense of humor — and appreciation for a few punchlines that couldn’t be cornea if they tried.
Well, ask and you shall perceive! We scoured the internet for the sight, er, the height of ocular humor. And we think you’ll agree the following collection of eye puns and jokes is a real sight for sore eyes (#SorryNotSorry).
Best Eye Puns and Jokes
- What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
- What has four eyes and a mouth?
- How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One… or two?!
- Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor.
- What do you say to a pirate with two eyes?
“Aye aye, captain!”
- What do you say if they only have one eye?
- What did the right eye say to the left eye?
“Between you and me, there’s something that smells.”
- A man goes to the optometrist for his eye test and is asked what he can see.
“I see empty airports, empty football fields, closed theaters, and closed pubs,” he says. To which the optometrist replies, “Perfect — you’ve got 2020 vision!”
- What happens after you rub ketchup in your eyes?
You feel silly in Heinz sight.
- What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety goggles?
- Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got mustard in my eyes, and I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “Any other symptoms?” Patient: “No, but I have the strangest feeling this has happened before.” Doctor: “French mustard?” Patient: “Yes, why?” Doctor: “It’s dijon view.”
- I make a lot of jokes about eyes…
You could say I have vitreous humor.
- Why did the optometrist decide to go into real estate?
She wanted to cornea the market.
- What do you call it when an optician runs a two-for-one glasses special?
Buy one, get one see.
- When are your eyes not eyes?
When the cold winter wind makes them water.
- What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet?
- Patient: “I keep getting a stabbing pain in my eye every time I drink coffee.”
Doctor: “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?”
- Why are potatoes better for your vision than carrots?
Because they start their life in an eye!
- A magician runs into a man who doesn’t believe in magic.
“Prove to me that you can do magic,” says the skeptic. “I bet you can’t.” With that, the magician turns the man into an eyeball. Shocked, the man says, “Well, eye’ll be!”
- A man goes to the eye doctor, sits down, and the receptionist asks why he’s there.
The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” To which the man replies, “No, just spots.”
- What was the optometrist’s favorite YA book growing up?
Lord of the Eyes.
- Did you hear about the webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
- What do you call a penguin with no eye?
- Why did the phone wear glasses?
He’d lost all of his contacts.
- Why do beekeepers have such beautiful eyes?
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
- What do you call it when an Apple user looks you in the eye?
- For Thanksgiving, my optometrist gave me a basket filled with contact solution, contacts, glasses, lens cleaner, and more.
It was a cornea-copia of goods.
- Your eyes aren’t real.
They’re just in your head.
- Why are E.T.’s eyes so big?
He saw his phone bill.
- What’s another name for an eye dropper?
- Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes to see a billboard half a mile away.
“What are you doing?” asks his friend. “Well,” Johnny says, “my mom says I can only go out and play if I have supervision.”
- Why is Sleepy the Dwarf so good at sleeping?
He can do it with his eyes closed.
- Why do pirates wear an eye patch?
They can’t see anything with two of them.
- What did the optometrist-turned-lawyer say at the end of their first trial?
“Iris my case.”
- A man gets an eye exam, after which the doctor has a concerned look on her face.
“What’s wrong?” asks the patient. “Well, your test results don’t look too good,” the doctor says. “Can I see them?” says the patient. The doctor answers, “Probably not.”
- A giant, angry cyclops is heading our way right now…
You might say we’re on the wink of destruction.
- Why did the teacher who needed glasses quit her job?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
- If you told me you have a great eye for spices…
I’d bet you saw this cumin from a mile away.
- Where do rabbits get their eyes checked?
- Why was the golfer crying his eyes out?
He was going through a rough patch.
- Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
They always keep their eyes peeled!
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
- What did one eye say to the other before vision surgery?
“Eye wish you the best.”
- How did the optometrist-turned-politician do in her first election?
She won by a lenslide.
- What do you call a pig with three eyes?
- What do you call a deer with no eyes?
- Looking for a good eye doctor…
I can’t see mine anymore.
- A patient gets their eyes checked after cataract surgery.
Patient: “How does it look, doc? Am I able to play the piano?” Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses, it should be no problem.” Patient: “That’s amazing — I’ve never played the piano before!”
- I told my ophthalmologist father I didn’t want to hear anymore eye jokes…
They just get cornea and cornea.
- I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes. I haven’t seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.
- What do you get if you jab your eye with a Sharpie? A black eye.
- What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in his eye? Chicken sees a salad.
- I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery. I can see just fine, but I can’t figure out how to shoot the lasers.
- Where can you always locate the eye?
Exactly between H and J.
- What kind of vision do all the sanitation workers have?
- What excuse did the lens give to the police officer when he was caught speeding?
He said, “I’ve been framed, sir.”
- Where would you take one eye that is depressed?
To a low vision center.
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