Krispy Kreme Karens: Don't Pretend To Care About Fat People

In case you missed it, in an effort to encourage vaccination (and get a shit ton of publicity) Krispy Kreme announced that you can show up at their stores with a valid COVID vaccination card and leave with a free original glazed donut. This offer is valid “anytime, any day, every day for the rest of the year,” according to Dave Skena, Krispy Kreme’s chief marketing officer. And the generosity doesn’t end there. Anyone, regardless of vaccination status, can get a free donut on Mondays from now through May.

Free donuts! Who could find a problem with that?

Well, the fucking internet never misses an opportunity to be an infuriating collection of the most eye-roll-inducing thoughts humanity had that day. OF FUCKING COURSE, people started tweeting like mad about…obesity.

Mother fucker. This shit again?

Twitter is all like, “How can you offer free donuts when obesity makes COVID wooooooorse??”

And “OMG KRISPY KREME! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!”

Oh. My. God. Calm the fuck down.

First of all, has nobody heard of Krispy Kreme’s gazillion previous promotions for free donuts? They do this kind of thing all the freaking time. If you’re one of those thrifty, organized types, you could probably scratch that Krispy Kreme itch every time it hits you all year without ever paying a penny because they throw around original glazed donuts like confetti. Your birthday? Free donut! Halloween? Free donut if you’re in costume! Wear green on St. Paddy’s day for…you guessed it…a FREE DONUT!

I’m pretty sure they even give out free donuts to school children who get A’s on their report cards. And not only if that A is in PE.

Those free donut promotions don’t cause mass pandemonium and neither will this one.

Could a vaccinated person conceivably go to their local Krispy Kreme every single day for the rest of the year and get a free donut? Sure. They could.

Hell, I guess a really dedicated person could hop around to multiple stores and get more than one free donut a day. Or even go to the store on different shifts and get two a day. PER LOCATION.

But we all know that literally almost nobody is going to do that or anything remotely like it. Like, everyone, even the doctor who tweeted that eating a donut a day could cause a fifteen-pound weight gain in a year, knows that nobody is going to do that. Not even fat people.

I am a certified fatty, and I have driven past a Krispy Kreme like eight times since I heard about free donuts, and I’ve never stopped to get one. Not once. I might before the end of the year if the mood hits me, but like, it’s not that serious. Don’t act crazy.

Nobody is going to get their vaccine just to take advantage of a free donut promotion, then fall into the confectionary abyss, suddenly unable to resist the seductive glow of that KK hot light, doomed to die a glazed-donut induced death, clutching their vaccine card to their sugar-dusted chest.

This faux outrage is just some fat shamey nonsense.

A Krispy Kreme original glazed donut has only thirty more calories and two more grams of sugar than a packet of Quaker maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal.

A tall white chocolate mocha latte from Starbucks has a hundred and fifty more calories, four more grams of fat and THIRTY more grams of sugar than a Krispy Kreme donut.

The donut in question here has four grams less fat than half an avocado.

This donut thing is literally no big deal. It’s just another way that people can say that they think fat people are icky without actually saying they think fat people are icky.

It’s always just a shitload of strangers insisting that they are concerned about fat people’s health, isn’t it? Never mind the fact that their bullying, shaming, fatphobic bullshit often pushes us into mental health crises and disordered eating patterns that ruin our bodies in ways higher weight never did. THAT is an inconvenient detail, so it’s always left out of the narrative.

The truth is, even if this free donut was the fattiest, sugariest, most calorie-laden food in existence, trying to police a DONUT COMPANY for giving away FREE DONUTS is literally asinine. It’s what they sell! They can’t give away free broccoli. They don’t have any.

Representatives from Krispy Kreme aren’t going door-to-door and delivering donuts to fat people every morning. They didn’t say a word about fat people. Thin and slightly plump folks are also welcome to a free donut.

This is a promotion. It’s also a statement that Krispy Kreme as a whole supports the vaccination effort. They aren’t the only company to do this. I don’t see anyone flipping the hell out about the free Uber rides, food, lamination and weed that companies are offering to vaccinated people.

Why can’t we just let people have things? Eating a donut now and then is not a sin or a crime, regardless of body size. Even eating a donut once a day, especially in place of something they’d usually eat, isn’t necessarily an issue for a lot of people, barring a few specific medical conditions. Your usual breakfast might actually have similar stats to the donut that people are freaking the fuck out about.

Sweet foods taste delicious, and delicious foods bring humans pleasure. It’s okay to pacify your recently-jabbed body by enjoying a free donut.

Just make sure you go when the hot light is on. Yum.