From The Confessional: We Want Good (Dirty) Sex

The narrative that men are supposed to be the aggressors and women are supposed to wait to be approached to have sex is a little long in the tooth. We are in a time when women are finding their voice, touching their vaginas, and not afraid to ask for what they want.

And thank God for that. I mean, have you ever been lying on your back while someone is trying to please you orally and they are missing the mark? All we have to do is speak up and say, “Could you move more to the right?” Or, “Faster,” “Harder,” anything that will help our partner out. But I know so many women (myself included) who have been shy about speaking up.

I always felt a bit ashamed for wanting to be spanked, have my hair pulled, and ask for some roughness in bed. I need dirty talk, I like to be the submissive one, and if my partner is having sex with me and then leaving me orgasm-less, I’m gonna say something the first time it happens.

No, it’s not only about women — we like to please our partners. But I’m sorry, if I’m not getting mine, then I’m not willing to suck your D whenever you want it sucked, or have sex with you so you can get your rocks off and I can be left with woman-wood while I try to fall asleep.

See what happens when you express what you want? It makes your partner feel comfortable enough to open up and say what they would like too. Of course you both have to be comfortable with the requests and trust each other enough to experiment, but talking is a great way to start. And it’s also a fantastic form of foreplay.

This is so hard to talk about, but it happens after we turn into mothers. We need other things to get us primed for sex. It’s okay, it’s normal, and the best feeling is when you have a husband who wants to do those things with you instead of simply expecting it. Ladies, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need outside of the bedroom to get you ready for a good romp session.

I feel this. It can take women time to get to know what they like. I know in my 20s, certain things got the job done, but I was always left wanting more. Once you get to know yourself, realize your worth, and aren’t afraid to speak up, asking for what you want in bed usually leads to mind-blowing sex.

I support this message. I also think there are a few things you can do here (if you want). You can talk them through it while they are down there in a sexy or dirty way so not to kill the mood. You can have a talk afterwards and tell them what you did like and express you want more of that. And you can also send them articles or a porn clip featuring something you really want to have them try on you.

As a divorced woman in her 40s who has been dating for the past four years with “experienced” men (ahem), I can honestly say there are a lot of them out there who have never had someone show them the way. No, it’s not your job to teach a class if you don’t want to. However, it can be incredibly empowering and sexy to talk about it.

And if that doesn’t work, yeah, it will probably never change and you’ll always feel unfulfilled.

My divorced mom friends talk about this each time we see each other. Damn, we could rule the world.

So many times having a strong connection outside the bedroom is what can make it a steam-fest once you are under the sheets. We can’t just say what we want in bed, we have to be honest about the kind of relationship we want outside of the bedroom too.

And there should be zero shame in saying anything of this out loud.

Who says your sex life has to fizzle? This is a great example of communicating what you want and feeling comfortable enough to let your freak flag fly. It’s like a muscle; the more you use it and talk about what you want, the easier it gets.

Forget the days of the past when women felt like sex was all about, well, just intercourse. We are allowed to be as kinky, or vanilla as we want. We need to realize no one knows what we need sexually more than we do. And just like every other need we have, it needs to be expressed, talked about … and fulfilled. We owe it to ourselves!