100+ Funny Drinking Quotes And Sayings To Wash Down With A Cocktail

100+ Funny Drinking Quotes And Sayings That Will Have The Room Buzzing

February 18, 2020 Updated December 8, 2020

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Photo by mnm.all on Unsplash

Sometimes, after a few drinks, you want to say something funny, but the beer kicks in and you can’t think of anything. Fortunately for you, many appreciators of alcoholic beverages have come before you and said some pretty smart and witty things about drinks. Here are 103 funny drinking quotes that will have the room buzzing.

  1. “Trust me: You can dance – Alcohol.” — Unknown
  2. “Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an oxymoron.” ― Aaron Howard
  3. “If life gives you lemons, Add VODKA.” — Unknown
  4. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” – Stephen Wright
  5. “I followed my heart & It led me to ALCOHOL.” — Unknown
  6. “A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.” – Charlie Chaplin
  7. “Step Aside COFFEE This is a Job for ALCOHOL” — Unknown
  8. “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.” — Seneca
  9. “Not to get technical, But according to chemistry  ALCOHOL is a solution.” — Unknown
  10. “I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.” ― George Gobel 

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  11. “Always buy a bigger bottle than you think You’ll need. Better to be safe than sober.” — Unknown 
  12. “People are not addicted to Alcohol or drugs, They are addicted to escaping reality.” — Unknown
  13. “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” — G.K. Chesterton
  14. “Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.” — Unknown
  15. “The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.” ― William Butler Yeats
  16. “Always do sober what you said you’d do when you were drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut!” — Ernest Hemingway
  17. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” — Unknown
  18. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” — Unknown
  19. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” — Unknown
  20. “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” — Unknown
  21. “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”- Rumi
  22. “Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.” — Unknown
  23. “Nothing lasts forever so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off.” — Unknown
  24. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C Fields
  25. “Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald
  26. “I drink wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.” — Unknown
  27. “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.”  — Pope John XXIII
  28. “I drink alcohol to drown my problems, unfortunately my problems are damn good swimmers.” — Unknown
  29. “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world.”- Louis Pasteur
  30. “This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.”- Samuel Johnson
  31. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”- Joan Collins
  32. “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”- Steve Martin
  33. “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” — Unknown
  34. “If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton, this way my friends will know I am missing.” — Unknown 

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  35. “The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.” — Unknown
  36. “War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.”- William Faulkner
  37. “Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow.” -John Fletcher
  38. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”― Jerry Vale
  39. “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” – Winston Churchill
  40. “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W.C. Fields
  41. “Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.” — Unknown
  42. “I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.”- Brendan Behan
  43. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Unknown
  44. “Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” – Lord Byron
  45. “I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” – George Best
  46. “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”- Ernest Hemingway
  47. “I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year’s eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.” — Unknown
  48. “The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.” — Unknown
  49. “A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.”- Frank Lloyd Wright
  50. “I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” — Unknown
  51. “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” ― George F. Burns
  52. “He was a wise man who invented beer.” – Plato
  53. “Don’t cry over spilled milk…it could have been beer!” — Unknown
  54. “Let’s have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.” — Unknown
  55. “Beer doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you need to drink lots of it.” — Unknown 

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  56. “Home is where the wine is.” — Unknown
  57. “A drunk man never tells a lie.” — Unknown
  58. “I swear to Drunk, I’m not God!” — Unknown
  59. “Act single, see double, drink triple.” — Unknown
  60. “You look like I need another drink.” — Unknown
  61. “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” — Unknown
  62. “Nothing in life is absolute — only vodka.” — Unknown
  63. “Because alcohol tastes better than tears.” — Unknown
  64. “A party without alcohol is just a meeting.”  — Unknown
  65. “I work until beer o’clock.” – Stephen King
  66. “Save the earth, it’s the only planet with beer.” — Unknown
  67. “I said no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.” — Unknown
  68. “I drink because I work, I work so I can drink.” — Unknown
  69. “Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.” — Unknown
  70. “To me ‘Drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.” — Unknown
  71. “Friday is the beginning of my liver’s work week.” — Unknown
  72. “I’m on a whiskey diet… I’ve lost three days already!” — Unknown
  73. “He that drinks fast, pays slow.” — Benjamin Franklin
  74. “They say follow your heart and it led me to alcohol.” — Unknown
  75. “Beer is now cheaper than gas, do drink, don’t drive!” — Unknown
  76. “Good people drink good beer.” — Hunter S. Thompson
  77. “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash
  78. “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” — Oscar Wilde
  79. “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.” — Unknown
  80. “I am a drinker with writing problems.” — Brendan Behan
  81. “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.” — Unknown
  82. “Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.” — Unknown
  83. “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — Unknown
  84. “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” – Kinky Friedman
  85. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you alcohol.” — Unknown
  86. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Unknown
  87. “We drink and we die and continue to drink.”- Dennis Leary
  88. “May you always have love in your heart and beer in your belly.” — Unknown
  89. “My boss didn’t know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.” — Unknown
  90. “Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life’s problems.” — Unknown
  91. “Alcohol helps me listen to your bullshit and pretend to believe it.” — Unknown

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  92. “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” — Steve Fergosi
  93. “There are more old drunkards than old physicians.” — Bernard Shaw
  94. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway
  95. “Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.” — Unknown
  96. “If smokers can have smoking breaks, why can’t I have drinking breaks.” — Unknown
  97. “I drink wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.” — Unknown
  98. “Alcohol is a perfect solvent, it dissolves marriages, families and careers.” — Unknown
  99. “Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” — Unknown
  100. “Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” – Henry Lawson
  101. “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”- Kaiser Wilhelm
  102. “No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.” — John Churchill
  103.  “How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.” — Unknown