100+ 'Golden Girls' Quotes That Will Make You Laugh And Cry At Any Age

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Golden girls quotes
Touchstone Television

We really should be thanking The Golden Girls for being a friend to us. All these years later, and the four sassy ladies in Miami — Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia — are still making us laugh and cry over what it means to be a friend through life’s many ups and downs. The sitcom truly defines what it means to have vivacious female friendships, and we are here for it. Need a pick-me-up? Grab a slice of pie and pull up a chair. Below are some of the best quotes from The Golden Girls.

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  1. “Let me tell you a story. Picture it, Sicily…” — Sophia
  2. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.” — Dorothy
  3. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” — Blanche
  4. “It’s like we say in St. Olaf — Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund’s Day without the headless boy.” — Rose
  5. “I’m an old white woman. I’m not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.” — Sophia
  6. “They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, ‘Today is the first day of the end of your life.’” — Dorothy
  7. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia
  8. “Nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.” — Blanche
  9. “Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm…” — Rose
  10. “No! No, I will not have a nice day!” — Dorothy
  11. “Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?” — Sophia
  12. “No one in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist…except of course, when they were institutionalized!” — Blanche
  13. “I know I look square, but I’m like my father’s tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going, I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.” — Rose
  14. “Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.” — Dorothy
  15. “After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!” — Sophia
  16. “Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still look so good?” — Blanche
  17. “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!” — Dorothy
  18. “It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie!” — Rose
  19. “She’s really a very sweet woman. She just doesn’t like to show it.” — Dorothy
  20. “Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty… or was it a little floozy?” — Blanche
  21. “Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Unless a lesbian sheds; that I don’t like.” — Sophia
  22. “I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.” — Rose
  23. “I could get herpes listening to this story!” — Dorothy
  24. “My mother used to say: the older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” — Rose
  25. “My son married a welder. Too bad she didn’t weld his zipper shut. They got ten kids they can’t afford.” — Sophia

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  1. “I’ve been having a good time, and there wasn’t even a man in the room.” — Blanche
  2. “Why don’t I just wear a sign, ‘too ugly to live’?” — Dorothy
  3. “Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.” — Sophia
  4. “That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain’t better but a tick on a slow-moving hound dog.” — Blanche
  5. “Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?” — Dorothy
  6. “As they say in St. Olaf: hergenbargenflergenflurfennerfen.” — Rose
  7. “I thought I was gonna die. I swear I have never felt such agony. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I thought, ‘What a shame if I die now, I’m too young… and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.’” — Blanche
  8. “You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago, which rendered her totally annoying.” — Dorothy
  9. “Forgive me, Rose, but I haven’t had sex in 15 years and it’s starting to get on my nerves.” — Sophia
  10. “Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?” — Rose
  11. “Eat dirt and die, trash.” — Blanche
  12. “You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” — Rose
  13. “Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?” — Blanche
  14. “(To Sophia) You’re a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.” — Dorothy
  15. “When I was a child, I used to get overexcited and pet the cat too much.” — Rose
  16. “I feel that you have backed me into a corner, and when I am backed into a corner, I come out fightin’ like a wildcat. Unless I’ve had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad passionate love on the carpet.” — Blanche
  17. “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” — Sophia
  18. “Stanley, you’re one chromosome away from being a potato.” — Dorothy
  19. “I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that’s a separate story.” — Blanche
  20. “If this sauce was a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.” — Sophia
  21. “I hate to admit it, but he melts my Haagen-Dazs.” — Rose
  22. “Of course you hate communism, Ma, it’s because you were raised a fascist.” — Dorothy
  23. “My great-granddaddy always said that there are two things you never sell to a friend — a car and a slave — because if either one of them quits working you’ll never hear the end of it. Of course, they hanged my great-granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn’t have.” — Blanche
  24. “Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?” — Sophia
  25. “I can’t believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!” — Rose

Touchstone Television

  1. “Like I’m the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor’s mouth?” — Blanche
  2. “When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are she is not after his body.” — Dorothy
  3. “Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there’s no such thing as security; and number three, don’t go see Ishtar. Woof.” — Sophia
  4. “I feel like crawling under the covers and eating a box of Velveeta.” — Rose
  5. “When I say jump, you say ‘on who?'” — Blanche
  6. “[to Sophia] Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!” — Dorothy
  7. “Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.” — Sophia
  8. “I’m not one to blow my own vertubenflugen.” — Rose
  9. “He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least, he will when I’M through with him.” — Blanche
  10. “It’s wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.” — Dorothy
  11. “You know my motto. Today could be the last day of your life.” — Sophia
  12. “Please forgive me. It’s not my fault my cousins have been marrying each other for generations.” — Rose
  13. “I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.” — Blanche
  14. “How come whenever my ship comes in it’s leaking?” — Dorothy
  15. “Please. Pay no attention to him. The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alcohol from a goat bladder.” — Sophia
  16. “Tell me the truth: do these glasses make me look stupid?” — Rose
  17. “If I had that money I could have moved into a swinging condo instead of living with — I better not say anything until I’ve had my coffee (sips coffee) — a slut and a moron!” — Dorothy
  18. “God, I wish I was dead.” — Blanche
  19. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” — Sophia
  20. “Miami, you’re cuter than an… intrauterine.” — Rose
  21. “Go hug a landmine!” — Dorothy
  22. “It was at that moment I realized my bosoms had the power to make music.” — Blanche
  23. “Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!” — Sophia
  24. “Dr. Kagan? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he’s got everything.” — Rose
  25. “I could vomit just looking at you!” — Dorothy
  26. “There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.” — Blanche
  27. “Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!” — Sophia
  28. “It’s like you people don’t pay any attention to me whatsoever.” — Rose
  29. “We have Maalox and estrogen. How many junkies have gas and hot flashes?” — Dorothy
  30. “I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!… in a library… on a Saturday… unless he’s cute… and drives a nice car… Amen.” — Blanche
  31. “Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.” — Sophia
  32. “When I was growing up in Minnesota, the doctor made house calls all the time, for us and the livestock. Worked out fine — until the doctor started drinking hog liniment and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.” — Rose
  33. “(On the phone with a contractor) No, I’m sorry, that’s more than I’m willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression ‘you get what you pay for.’ I’ve also heard the expression ‘there’s a sucker born every minute.’… Yes, I have heard that expression too…” — Dorothy
  34. “I always take a deep breath before I greet a man. It thrusts my breasts forward.” — Blanche
  35. “I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.” — Sophia
  36. “I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.” — Rose
  37. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy
  38. “Oh please, it’s bad enough hearing all those snickers as you walk down the aisle, but me in white, even I couldn’t keep a straight face.” — Blanche
  39. “My God, I’ve left brain cells all over the Eastern Seaboard.” — Sophia
  40. “Oh, don’t give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move 20-ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.” — Rose
  41. “Rose, he left me 38 years later for a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii. It was her first flight. They said, ‘On arrival, give the passengers a lei.’ She got confused, he got lucky, and they now live on Maui.” — Dorothy
  42. “If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I’d be on my back faster than you could say, ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!'” — Sophia
  43. “It’s time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.” — Rose
  44. “My first was Billy. Oh, I’ll never forget it! That night under the dogwood tree, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy. Or Bobby? Yes, that’s right, Bobby! Or was it Ben? Oh who knows, anyway, it started with a B.” — Blanche
  45. “Rose, honey… have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?” — Dorothy
  46. “Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights, neither did the goat.” — Sophia
  47. “The doctor says it’s the first time he’s ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.” — Rose
  48. (To Sophia) My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.” — Blanche
  49. “The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is ‘Use a gun, go apologize.'” — Rose
  50. “(To Sophia) Oh, sometimes I wish she was my mother… so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.” — Blanche
  51. “You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.” — Sophia
  52. “Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we’d get depressed Grandma could always cheer us up. She’d take out her dentures, and she’d take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she’d put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day… but visiting hours were only from ten to four.” — Rose

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