Golf is about much more than hitting a hole in one. It teaches honesty, how to go with the flow, focus, problem-solving, and patience. You can also do a lot with a polo shirt and khaki pants. Plus, how many sports give you the freedom to traverse a field filled with greenery and beautiful ponds. If you’re trying to get your kids to fall in love with golfing, telling them these jokes might do the trick. Golfing may not be filled with as much contact as rugby or hockey, but this solo game can be just as exciting and hilarious.
The only thing golfers love more than golf is some funny golf jokes. These un-fore-gettable puns, one-liners, and jokes will have you rolling on the green between putts and can ease the pain of a bad round. The best part is if no one laughs at your golf pun, you can call a mulligan and try the next one on the list! In no particular order, here are some of our favorites.
1. Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
2. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.
3. A golfer was having a terrible round — 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
4. What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.
5. MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, MacDermott spoke, “That was quite a round of golf.”
“Aye,” MacDuff replied. “Same time next Saturday?”
“Aye,” said MacDuff, “weather permitting.”
6. What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
7. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
8. Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
A golf course!
9. What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
10. A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
11. A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated. On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”
“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
12. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.
13. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
14. Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
15. A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
16. If you golf on election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
17. Golf balls are like eggs.
Sold by the dozen.
And a week later you have to buy some more.
18. Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
19. Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.
He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”
20. The problem with slow groups is that they are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.
21. “You’re late on the tee, John.”
“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”
“Okay, but why are you so late?”
“I had to toss it 15 times!”
22. When is it too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
23. Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-3 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here.”
Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”
Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.
One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
24. One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
25. A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
26. What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
27. Golf is a lot like taxes… you go for the green and come out in the hole.
28. “Do you play off scratch?” said one player.
The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
29. After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position — and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke — he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.
When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. “Am I dead?” he asks.
“Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs.
“I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are you any good?”
“Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
30. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
31. A friend of Henry’s dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.
“Henry,” he says, “you won’t believe it, but there is golf in Heaven.”
“That is wonderful!” Henry replies.
“Don’t be so thrilled,” his friend tells him. “You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday.”
32. Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.
33. The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.
They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between a Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries, and possibly squirrel, rabbit, or gopher fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses, and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
34. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
35. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question…
“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.
“P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
36. What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
37. Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”
38. What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get Me Nots.
39. Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”
40. Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
41. Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife, he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
42. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
43. A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
44. What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
45. I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up, and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
46. “I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”
47. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3.
After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.
A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?”
Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?”
The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.”
“How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.
Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”
48. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
49. Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”
Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”
“And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
50. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing.
51. A fellow caddy and I recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”
52. An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?”
“I’m terribly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but that’s one thing we don’t have here.”
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer’s rejection of heaven.
“This way, sir,” says the devil, “the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.”
The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he’d rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. “So,” he says to the devil, “why don’t you go get me some clubs and balls and I’ll have the game of my after-life.”
“I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any.”
“What?” says the man. “No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?”
“No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “that’s the hell of it.”
53. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
54. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”
John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.
55. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.
56. After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
57. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
58. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.
59. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
60. John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,”What’d you have?
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.”
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”
John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.”
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”
61. There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
62. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
63. A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard “Fore!” and a ball slammed into his back. Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
“Thank goodness, Father!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I’ve hit my first holy one!”
64. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
65. Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.
He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.
Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. ” I scored 126,” he said
“That’s very good, you’re golf is certainly improving,” said Kissinger.
“I was bowling, Henry,” Nixon replied.
66. Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He was puttering around.
67. Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers. They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.
After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less than eagles, birdies, and pars, they reach the 18th hole. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. “Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green.”
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. “You wouldn’t believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win.”
The second guy responds, “You won’t believe it either, you just hit my ball.”
68. A Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walcked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”
69. Golf: A 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
70. Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!”
By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.”
The Father replied, “It’s the biggest… dam I know.”
71. Golf: A 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments
72. An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, “Wow, now he is in serious trouble!”
73. Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it
74. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
75. Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
76. If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
77. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
78. “I wish I could play my normal game… just once.”
79. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”
80. A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
81. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
82. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
83. I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
84. Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice
85. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt”, you might want to reconsider this game.
86. Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match… wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole… dead on line.
Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”
The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either”
87. The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.
88. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
89. A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, inscribed with the lawyer’s name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, “That’s the first time I’ve ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”
90. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
91. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.
92. An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”
“We call it 3.”
93. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
94. Oxymoron: An easy par-3.
95. James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: “What do you think of my game?”
The pro replied: “You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch.”
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, “No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”
96. Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.
97. Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?
Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.
98. Golfer: I would move both heaven and earth to get a birdie today.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve moved most of the earth already today.
99. Wife: You spend far too much time concentrating on golf! Do you even remember the day we got engaged?
Husband: Sure I do. It was the same day I shot even par.
100. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?
On a golf corpse.
101. I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break.
102. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke Skywalker before he went out for his round of golf?
“May the fores be with you, Luke.”
103. Why does Sir-Mix-a-Lot always chip the ball away from the flagstick?
He likes big putts and he cannot lie.
104. What does a golfer like to hear from his wife?
“Talk birdie to me.”
105. Did you hear about the two guys that met on the golf course?
It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip.
106. What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?
107. What do golfers do on their days off?
108. Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons?
So you can’t see them laughing.
109. What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?
A lot of greens and water.
110. Golfing is the idlest sport…
Can you imagine just kicking a white ball around all day long?
111. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
112. Why was Cinderella such a terrible golfer?
Her coach was a pumpkin.
113. What do you call a monkey who wins the Masters?
114. What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars?
Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.
115. A schoolteacher was taking her first golf lesson. “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
116. Why do golf announcers whisper?
Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
117. A man walks through the front door of his home, clearly exasperated.
“I had a terrible round today,” he told his wife.
“Oh, no! What happened, honey?” she replied.
“Well,” he said, “I only hit two good balls — and that was when I stepped on a rake.”
118. An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.
With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the States, we call that a mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?” After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
119. Which actress is incredible at golf?
120. What did Nat King Cole sing after he won a round of golf?
Un-fore-gettable, in every way.
121. What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?
Kiss my putt.
122. What did the sign above the golf club bar say?
“Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”
123. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question.
“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.
“P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
124. It’s not your fault you missed that shot.
It must have been the crap attached to the end of your club.
125. What’s the difference between a rock climber and a golfer?
A golfer goes: whack! “Shit!”
A climber goes: “Shit!” whack!
126. Why didn’t the golfer say anything before he hit the ball off the tee?
He was at a loss fore words.
127. What do you call a really friendly golfer?
A social putterfly.
128. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.
129. The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.
130. Wife: “Babe, if I die, will you marry again?”
Husband: “Of course not.”
Wife: “I think you would.”
Husband: “Fine, I probably will.”
Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “Yeah, probably, I guess.”
Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No way, she is left-handed.”
131. Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”