So, I guess since we’re adults now, there’s an ass load of stuff we aren’t supposed to enjoy any longer because it’s dated, or bad for us, or not on trend.
Well, trends can bite me because there are things I love that may be frowned upon “at my age,” but I literally give zero fucks because I’m the queen of my castle and I can do whatever the hell I want. Thankyouverymuch.
So, thanks for all the PSAs on what’s “cool” and what’s not, but I’m gonna wear, eat, and watch whatever the fuck I want. Things like:
1. Bootcut Jeans
GQ confirms this, not that I care–I don’t go to GQ for fashion advice. When it comes to what I put on my body, I listen to me. But what I’m saying is, as far as I’m concerned, those fuckers never went out of style.
2. Diet Coke
Apparently, I’m supposed to be double fisting expensive coffee or drinking lemon water all day long. But I’m good with my large jug of Diet Coke. Nothing helps me get through my day like bubbly, caffeinated goodness.
It’s obnoxious and over the top, and that’s why I love it. It looks great slathered on my lids and I love putting it in cards. If you think I’m above wearing a sequined shirt with my favorite (bootcut) jeans, you don’t know me at all.
4. Large Portions at Chain Restaurants
I know going to local farm-to-table establishments that serve small plates of organic, locally raised food and take all your money and leave you starving and wanting to stuff your face with a Big Mac on the way home is the way to go these days, but I’ll go straight for the filling meals that won’t cost me a week’s worth of groceries.
I want to see heaping portions that are going to fill me the fuck up. Not a few seeds and berries amongst a leaf and a sliver of meat with a squirt of aioli on the side.
Also, 6 french fries do not equal a fucking serving. I can suck back 6 fries in one bite. And another thing: sugar and flour are pretty damn swell, too.
5. Cheap Clothing
It’s on trend to buy quality items you will wear for years. Classic pieces that cost a few hundred dollars and show you have class.
I tell myself I’m going to splurge on that sweater from the local boutique and not buy another sweater for a decade, live like a minimalist, and edit my wardrobe. Then I see a hot cardigan at Target and think, Fuck yeah, I need it in every color because they’re on sale and I have a coupon and now my life is complete.
6. Cheap Wine
Speaking of cheap, my wine doesn’t need to be fancy or have a name I can’t pronounce. I love Rosé. I die for a good Zinfandel. And if it’s out of a box, it actually tastes better to me. No, I don’t know how to pair my food with wine. Doesn’t everything go with Boones Farm?
7. Not Flossing
I know, I know. I hear the lecture twice a year from my dentist and hygienist. By the time I brush my teeth and wash my face, I’m ready to do more exciting things. Like sleep.
8. Reality Shows
I’m not above watching The Kardashians. A little Housewives (I don’t care where the hell they are from) never hurt anyone. And if you say you’ve never been sucked in by The Bachelor or Survivor you are a lying liar face.
9. Trashy Magazines
I don’t just give these babies the side-eye when I’m in line at the grocery store, I buy that shit and read it cover to cover before disposing of them as quickly as humanly possible so no one will judge me.
10. Red Dye #5
We are supposed to avoid this, I know. But Swedish fish, gummy bears, and Cherry Coke are so good I’ll allow a bit of poison to run through my digestive system.
11. Driving With AC And Seat Warmers On Simultaneously
I realize this is an energy-suck but seat warmers are so relaxing yet they give me hot flashes. The air conditioning blasting on my front while my ass and back are toasty feels glorious and I’ll never stop.
I don’t fucking care if some see swearing as classless, unladylike, or inappropriate. They are just words, it relieves stress and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to start saying things like,”Oh butterfingers.”
13. Social Media
It’s not healthy to spend too much time scrolling, but there are days when I need to spy on other people’s Instagram and Facebook accounts until I see their first post from 2008 and realize three hours have gone by.
14. Ugg Boots
Who cares if they are not acceptable to wear in public because they are so 2002. They are warm, you can slip them on without socks, and my feet are happy and comfortable.
I know what I like. After all, I’ve been around long enough to try lots of things out, and it’s not always what’s trending at the moment.
So, pass the cheap wine, gimme me a bag of chips, and let’s watch The Bachelor in our bootcuts and live happily fucking ever after.