Gwyneth Paltrow Decided A Goop Cruise Is Still A Great Idea

The multi-hyphenate icon of wealthy, white femininity will offer a special Goop-themed cruise in 2022

Ok, folks, the COVID-19 vaccinations have come just in time for travel. This summer, you can travel to the Grand Canyon and visit the majesty and wonder of nature. Or, perhaps you’d like to wonder at the sleek, fast-paced throb of New York where you can bask in the marvels of modernity, capitalism, and shiny newness a big city can offer. Or, why not combine both and go on the Goop cruise where you can marvel over the beauty of the sea while you fork over big bucks to have a shiny bit of Gwynnie magic shoved into any open orifice?

Yep, the self-appointed arbiter of wealth and wellness Gwyneth Paltrow announced on Wednesday that the Goop cruise is officially happening next year.

“I am always happiest by, in or on the sea! In 2022 my @goop team and I are going to join @celebritycruises on their new ship, Celebrity Beyond,” Paltrow captioned a photo of her in a bikini.

Currently, the Celebrity Cruises website currently doesn’t list ticket prices. However, when the cruise was announced last January — ahead of the pandemic — it was reported that it cost about $6,000 to attend.

“I’ll be behind the scenes, working on some special projects, as Celebrity’s new Well-being Advisor,” Paltrow wrote. “My team @goop is curating programming and fitness kits to add to Celebrity’s wellness the experience. I’m sworn to secrecy on the rest—keep an eye out for the details coming soon.”

Paltrow’s celebrity friends gushed over the announcement in the comment section.

“So this is the moment we’re all like, ‘No, I’ve actually always been into the idea of a cruise,’” model Erin Foster wrote, while writer and producer Jenni Konner posted the cheeky, “Such a shame about that terrible bod.” Interior designer Estee Stanley offered the encouraging comment, “You may be the first person to get me on a cruise,” and modern sphinx Paris Hilton contributed a single fire emoji to the comment section.

Twitter, however, was a different story.

Eager to expand the conversation about accessible and equitable healthcare and mental wellness for everyone, the cruise promises to deputize attendees to spread the tenets of modern healthcare in their home community.

Hahahahaha, just kidding. The poor can go be poor somewhere else. This cruise is about wellness for the people who count. People with money. People who only want to learn about ancient medicinal cures if a wealthy white woman presents it to them in a bright package with a bold font.

Any cure that costs less than $100 might as well be — shudder — mass produced. What’s the point of wellness if just anyone can achieve it?

The problems of the poors aside, the Goop cruise will most likely offer a glimpse of the Goop-life, which will most likely include throw pillows with rap lyrics embroidered with a daisy-embellished flair, fruity but strong cocktails with cheeky pop culture names, and frequent use of the words manifesting, chakra, energy, toxins, and f*ck. One can imagine cruisers will spend hours in conversation with phrases such as “Protect my energy,” “Haters gonna hate,” and “Women-led spaces” uttered in the same breath as “300-thread count, my ass” and “Excuse me, this chai has too much cinnamon.”

Pity the porters and stewards on this voyage filled with un petite Melanias. Someone set up a GoFundMe for their post-cruise therapy. They’re gonna need it.