35+ The Hangover Quotes So You Can Relive The Vegas Debauchery

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The Hangover Quotes
Warner Bros.

If you’re here, two things are likely true of you: You have a twisted sense of humor, and you are willing to overlook some questionable punchlines in the name of a good laugh. Because, if we’re honest, the 2009 bachelor party caper The Hangover is raucous. And raunchy. And really offensive at times (c’mon, guys, it just is). But it’s also fun in a totally ridiculous way — and it definitely doesn’t hurt that “the Wolfpack” consists of Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, and Justin Bartha. When you read The Hangover quotes, you can’t help but hear them in the voice of these megastars.

Besides, it might make you feel a little better to be reminded that the film was a critical hit. It even won a Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture in the musical or comedy category. We probably don’t have to tell you it was a huge commercial hit — in fact, it’s the tenth-highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever in the US. It’s also no surprise it spawned two sequels, The Hangover Part II and The Hangover Part III.

But, because social distancing has us feeling nostalgic for the days when Vegas debauchery was routine, we’re going to focus on the first installment. So, without further ado, revisit the wild adventures Doug, Phil, Stu, and Alan share in Sin City through The Hangover quotes.

The Hangover Quotes: Alan

  1. Alan: (while picking up Phil at the school where he works) “Did you have to park so close?”

Doug: “Yeah, what’s wrong?” Alan: “I shouldn’t be here.” Doug: “Why is that, Alan?” Alan: “I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school… or a Chuck E. Cheese.”

  1. Phil: (after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug) “GOD DAMN IT!”

Alan: “Gosh darn it!” Phil: “SH*T!” Alan: “Shoot!”

  1. Stu: (while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak) “Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.”

Alan: “Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.”

  1. Phil: “Whose f*cking baby is that?”

Stu: “Alan, are you sure you didn’t see anyone else in the suite?” Alan: “Yeah, I checked all the rooms… no one’s there. Check its collar or something.”

  1. Alan: “Hey, Phil, look.” (laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating)

Alan: “He’s jackin’ his little weenis.” Phil: (laughs a little) “Pull yourself together, bro.” Alan: (stops the baby) “Not at the table, Carlos.”

  1. Phil: “You’re not really wearing that, are you?”

Alan: “Wearing what?” Phil: “The man-purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just f*ckin’ with me?” Alan: “It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it’s not a purse, it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.” Phil: “So does Joy Behar.”

  1. Alan: “Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?”

Lisa: “What do you mean?” Alan: “I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.” Lisa: “I’m not sure.” Alan: “Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.” Lisa: “Umm, there’s a phone in your room…” Alan: “That’ll work.”

  1. Alan: “Hey guys, when’s the next Halley’s comet?”

Phil: “Who cares, man.” Alan: “Do you know, Stu?” Stu: “I don’t think it’s for like another 60 years or something.” Alan: “But it’s not tonight, right?” Stu: “No, I don’t think so.” Alan: “But you don’t know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley’s comet.”

  1. Stu: “We’re in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?”

Alan: “I think the cop car part’s pretty cool.” Stu: “Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?” Alan: “Yes.”

  1. Alan: (looks at his manual) “It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?”

Doug: “I don’t think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.” Alan: “Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.” Stu: “It’s also illegal.” Alan: “It’s not illegal. It’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.” Phil: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.” Alan: “Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.”

  1. Alan: “What if Doug’s dead? I can’t afford to lose somebody close to me again; it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.”

Phil: “How’d he die?” Alan: “World War II.” Phil: “Died in battle?” Alan: “No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.”

  1. Alan: “Can I ask you another question?”

Lisa: “Sure.” Alan: “You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace, is it?” Lisa: “What do you mean?” Alan: “Did, umm… did Caesar live here?” Lisa: “No.” Alan: “I didn’t think so.”

  1. Alan: “Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?”

Phil: “Oh, f*ck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the f*ck did he get in there?” Stu: “I don’t know, because I don’t remember.” Phil: “Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.” Alan: “One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.” Stu: “You are literally too stupid to insult.”

  1. Stu: (after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had two beds) “Phil, we’re not even going to be in the room. It’s one night, we can share beds. It’s no big deal.”

Alan: “Uh, if we’re sharing beds, I’m bunking with Phil. You cool with that?” Phil: “No, I’m not cool with that.”

  1. Stu: “So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?”

Alan: “What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.” Stu: “You found a baby before? Where?” Alan: “Coffee Bean.”

The Hangover Wolfpack Quotes

  1. “You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone, first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second, could it be?’ And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!” — Alan
  2. (Repeatedly singing) “And we’re the three best friends that anyone could have!” — Alan
  3. “Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?” — Alan

Mr. Chow Quotes

  1. Mr. Chow: “You gonna f*ck on me?”

Alan: “Nobody’s gonna f*ck on you! I’m on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn’t your fault. I’ll get you some pants.”

  1. “Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.”
  2. Stu: “That is not Doug.”

Mr. Chow: “What’re you talking about, Willis? That him!”

  1. Mr. Chow: “I want my purse back, assholes.”

Phil: “What, your purse?” Alan: “That’s not a purse. That’s a satchel!” Mr. Chow: “It’s a purse! OK? And you steal from wrong guy!”

  1. “Oh yeah? Why don’t you suck on these little Chinese nuts?” (grabs his nuts with both hands)
  2. Stu: “We can even write you a check right now.”

Mr. Chow: “No chance. Cash only.” Stu: “There’s a person in there!”

  1. (As he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap) “Toodle-oo, motherf*ckers.”

The Hangover Quotes: Best of the Rest

  1. Stu: “She’s got my grandmother’s Holocaust ring!”

Alan: “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

  1. Stu Price: (playing piano and singing passionately) “What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we’re gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers. (stops suddenly) Well, then, we’re sh*t out of luck.”
  2. Phil: “The Best Little Chapel… do you know where that is?”

Dr. Valsh: “I do, it’s at the corner of get a map and f*ck off. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide.” Phil: “Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.”

  1. “To a night the four of us will never forget!” — Phil
  2. (A kid tries to ask him a question at school) “It’s the weekend, Budnick. I don’t know you. You do not exist.” — Phil
  3. Phil: “Tracy, it’s Phil.”

Tracy: “Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.” Phil: “Yeah, listen, uh… we f*cked up.” Tracy: “What are you talking about?” Phil: “The bachelor party. The whole night. It’s… things got out of control and, uh… we lost Doug.” Tracy: “What?” Phil: “We can’t find Doug.” Tracy: “What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours.” Phil: “Yeah… that’s not gonna happen.”

  1. “Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That sh*t’ll come back with you.” — Sid Garner
  2. “I lost a tooth! I married a whore!” — Stu
  3. “We all do dumb shit when we’re fucked up.” — Mike Tyson
  4. “I’m sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.” — Stu
  5. “Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!” — Officer Franklin
  6. “Not you fat Jesus.” — Officer Franklin

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