Having a uterus is great, isn’t it? I mean, the government apparently gets to tell us what to do with it. We bleed every month from time we turn like 12 until four decades later. And, right as we start to finally come out of the haze of the exhausting baby days when our uteruses were little mini-baby factories and we think our bodies might actually start to feel normal again, instead, we start pitting out at work, or at the store, or even at a lunch date with our bestie.
Because in our 40s and 50s, apparently we haven’t done enough as women. Apparently our bodies haven’t suffered enough after all the stretching, the poking, the prodding, the tears, and the stitches. We also get to round out our last few years of fertility with unbearable hot flashes.
And they make us hate everyone and everything.
Confessional #25850356“Hot flashes fucking suck, if anyone was wondering. I'm at work. My body, clothes and hair are drenched. Sweat is pouring down my face. It is 9 AM and 60 degrees. I took a shower an hour ago. What can I do? I must have been a smug man in a past life.”
Confessional #25790548“I swam in a cold river yesterday. I could still feel my hot flashes.”
Confessional #25790547“I’m 42 and menopausal. My hot flashes are having hot flashes.”
Confessional #20063592“All I want for Christmas is for these fucking hot flashes to stop. I could melt Frosty if I touched him. ARGH!”
Seriously, is there anything worse? You’re in a meeting trying to concentrate and you start to feel sweat drip down your back. Or, you wake up at 2 a.m. and see your annoying ass partner peacefully sleeping away in all their normal body temperature and you’ve soaked the sheets with perspiration. Ugh, sometimes having ovaries really blows.
Confessional #24215721“New BF was whining he was cold because I had the A/C on high. Asked twice if I was having hot flashes (I’m 56). I know a sneaky insult when I hear it and I’m sure there’s more where that came from. He won’t be back. Fuck that shit & fuck him”
Confessional #20561864“DH is home with bronchitis and keeps jacking the heat. I'm having hot flashes and keep lowering it. One of us is not going to survive this battle over the thermostat.”
Confessional #15744498“Told H I will pay the power bill but if he turns the AC up one more time "because he's chilly" as it is 90 degrees outside and I am experiencing hot flashes, with God as my witness, I will light his stupid ass on fire and dance on the fucking ash pile.”
And to make it worse, our partners don’t get it. Like, why you wanna fight rn? I will literally destroy you with my wrath, so step. the fuck. away. from the thermostat, BILL.
Confessional #25825688“I’m 49 and perimenopause is kicking my ass. Above all else; hot flashes, sleeplessness, rage, I fucking hate that I’m losing my youthful beauty. Hate myself that I can’t age gracefully. Hate society that has taught us to value youth above everything”
Confessional #25803582“Peri menopause sucks. Every night I sweat like a pig and have stress dreams. Bladder leaks, skin problems, hot flashes... not a day goes by that my body doesn’t do something stupid.”
Confessional #25755692“It's so unfair that, after several decades of periods, PMS, childbirth, motherhood, cellulite and putting up with husbands, women enter perimenopause and receive wrinkles, fat, hot flashes, exhaustion, horrible periods and mood swings way worse than PMS.”
And it’s not just the menopause our moms and grandmas warned us about. There’s a sneaky little time period before that no one mentioned—and it starts popping up earlier than we expected. Perimenopause is a fucking bitch and makes us reeeeeally resent the uterus-less people in our lives.
Confessional #25846869“Menopause hot flashes in the Arizona summer. WTF was I thinking when I decided to move here? Should have went to Alaska instead.”
Confessional #25838246“Menopausal hot flashes and a heat wave is making me extra bitchy.”
Confessional #25792465“Between hot flashes and this heat, I feel like I’m covered in adhesive. Blech.”
Confessional #18277837“I experience hot flashes and night sweats every single night of my life, so you bet your sweet ass I am thrilled that it is going to be in the 40s tonight.”
Experiencing hot flashes PLUS living in a humid climate is the actual final circle of hell. You fantasize about being dropped off in the Arctic. Lemme swim with the polar bears! But even then, you’d probably sweat through your snow suit.
Confessional #25748740“Going through menopause. Night sweats, stomach cramps, diarrhea, emotions out of control, hot flashes. No relief from hormones, just makes me bleed. Fuck everything about being a woman. Just take my uterus so I can be done.”
Confessional #25821915“Went through menopause a couple years ago. Hot flashes and night sweats were annoying and I have to use lube sometimes for sex now, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE not having a period. Would not go back for anything.”
Confessional #21910461“No matter how much "awareness" there is I will never find a period to be beautiful. I will throw a fucking party when I hit menopause to say bon voyage to 40 years of that bullshit. Bring on the hot flashes.”
I mean, I guess there’s a silver lining in all of the sweat—and that’s the fact that once you’re done with this horridly uncomfortable shit-show, you’re done with the rest too. No more periods. No more ovulation pain. No more pregnancies. No more births, engorged breasts, vaginal tears, c-section incisions, and hopefully, at some point, no more fucking hot flashes.
So next time you’re pitting out at dinner and you feel boob sweat pool inside your bra while your partner drones on about that asshole Chad at work, just remember—it won’t last forever. Someday you’ll return to a normal body temperature and won’t be fantasizing about a night alone in a deep freezer. For now though, bring extra deodorant in your purse, dress for summer weather whether it’s January or June, and order a nice tall glass of ice water first thing—before that cabernet. Your body will thank you.