70+ Dirty Riddles For Adults That Are Actually Totally Innocent

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
dirty riddles
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The best part about getting older is enjoying lascivious content we would have gotten in trouble for back in high school. We’re talking dirty knock knock jokes, dirty jokes, and sex jokes that would have gotten us at least a week’s worth of detention. Well, now there’s a new genre to enjoy: dirty riddles with completely innocent answers.

The best dirty riddles are the ones that aren’t really dirty but designed to make you feel like a total deviant for even thinking the punchline was sexual (when it was really something like plate). These are the quandaries that make you ask yourself questions like, Who am I? Or, Who have I become? Fun, right? It’s never what you expect it to be and forces you to reevaluate the way you think (which is filthy, BTW).

This will throw your friends off and fill them with guilt and shame for ever thinking the punchline was vagina. So stump all your pals and see who has the absolute dirtiest mind with our roundup of the best riddles full of filth from the darkest corner of the internet.

RELATED: 100+ Hard Riddles That Will Make You Think Twice

What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse?


I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

Your nose.

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

A tent.

What four-letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k,” and if you can’t get it you can always just use your hands?

A fork.

All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

An elevator.

I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. Sometimes people lick my nuts. What am I?

Peanut butter.

What three-letter word starts with an “s,” ends with “x,” and has a vowel in the middle?


I start with a “p” and end with “o-r-n.” I’m a major player in the film industry. What am I?


When I go in, I can cause some pain. I’ll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit and not swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.

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I assist with erections. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. I’m known as a big swinger. What am I?

A crane.

What’s beautiful and natural, but gets prickly if it isn’t trimmed regularly?

The lawn.

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

What does a dog do that a man steps into?


Name a word that starts with “f” and ends with “u-c-k”?


My business is briefs. I’m a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it regularly. What am I?

A lawyer.

I’m great for protection. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?


I’m the highlight of many dates. I’m especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?

A bowling ball.

What’s made of rubber, handed out at some schools, and exists to prevent mistakes?


It’s a fun thing to do and you devote a significant amount of energy to thinking about it, but you hate knowing that your parents are doing it. What is it?


What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?


Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, plus a dozen donuts.

Who’s the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut!

What’s most useful when it’s long and hard?

An education.

What do you wrap your mouth around every morning and night that leaves you feeling refreshed?


Many people like these to be as long as possible, but short ones can be effective. It’s definitely possible for them to be too long. What are they?


What does a woman have two of that a cow has four of?


Sometimes a finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Your wedding band.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

What is soft and wet on the inside while hard and hairy on the outside? The word begins with “c,” ends in “t,” and there’s a “u” and an “n” between them.

A coconut.

What’s long and hard when it’s young and soft and small when it’s old?

A candle.

I am always hard when dry but smooth and soft when wet. What am I?


I go in hard, come out soft, and you love to blow me. What am I?

Chewing gum.

What’s at least six inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

An electric toothbrush.

You play with it at night and it vibrates. What is it?

A cell phone.

What is the difference between a woman’s G-spot and a quarter?

Men actually have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it.

You truly enjoy this when you spread it. What is it?


You can’t taste it unless you undress it. What is it?

A banana.


What does a bride get on her wedding day that’s long and sometimes hard?

A new last name.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What goes in dry and hard but comes out wet and soft?


What do you insert in a small hole and twist all the way around?

A Q-tip.

What’s the speed limit of sex?

It’s 68, but at 69 you have to turn around.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and everyone goes crazy over?

A $100 bill.

What is six inches long, sweet on the lips, and goes down better with butter?

Corn on the cob.

What is super hard and goes into a tiny hole?

A key.

What’s long and hard and has the word ‘cum’ in it?

A cuCUMber.

You have to blow it to play with it. What is it?

A balloon.

I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

An arrow, of course!

What is the difference between “ooooooh” and “aaaaaaah”?

About three inches.

What does every woman have that starts with a “v” that she can use to get what she wants?

Her voice.

What do men keep in their pants that their partners sometimes blow?


What does a man have in his trousers that a lady doesn’t want on her face?


What’s in a man’s pants that you just won’t find in a girl’s pants?


Why is a man’s voice louder than a woman’s?

Men have an antenna.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s is big. Donald Trump’s is small. And Madonna doesn’t have one. What is it?

A last name.

Some people prefer being on top, others prefer being on the bottom, and it always involves a bed. What is it?

A bunk bed.

You get a lot of it if you’re important and successful; you get less when you’re just starting out. You sometimes do it with yourself if you need to, but it’s a lot better when it’s with other people. What is it?


I grow in a bed, first white then red, and the plumper I get, the better women like me. What am I?

A strawberry.

Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t a maiden for long. Something really big and hard ripped me open. What am I?

The Titanic.

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What holds your buns firmly and makes them look round and pretty?

A hair tie.

What gets wetter when things get steamy?


An expensive piece of tail, I come with a large “pair.” What am I?

A lobster.

What does a man have that begins with “P” and gets bigger if it’s properly stimulated?

The pupil of his eye.

I’m long, hard, and I point up. I have to be slippery for you to go down me. You put your hands on me and then go up and down. What am I?


If you see me in bed, you whack me off. The bigger I am, the louder you scream. Seeing what’s between my hairy legs will make your skin crawl. What am I?

A spider.

What’s beautiful and natural but gets long and prickly if it isn’t trimmed regularly?


If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

A newspaper delivery person.

What’s the best part of your body to put into a pie?

Your teeth.

I am dirty, people like to put their wood in me, but only Santa goes down on me. What am I?

A fireplace.

Why is a happy sex life like a good steak?

It’s rare.

What’s the difference between amazing sex and this joke?

You actually get the joke.

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