Is It OK If I’m Not Best Friends With My Spouse?

It’s just one of those sayings you hear all the time — “my husband is my best friend.” For some couples, it’s true that each partner really is the other’s actual best friend, No. 1 confidante, and favorite person to spend their free time with. In other couples, honestly, it’s really just about the romantic connection, and both people rely on their other friendships to fulfill those needs. Is one better than the other? And is it OK if you’re not best friends with your spouse?

We asked relationship therapists which is healthier (it depends) and how to tell if your partner being your bestie is really working for you.

Is it OK if you’re not best friends with your spouse?

For starters, if your partner happens to be your very best friend, experts say that’s 100% fine. “There’s nothing unhealthy about your spouse being your best friend. In fact, research shows that couples who describe their partner as their best friend tend to report higher life satisfaction. But as with most things in relationships, the key lies in balance,” says Allison Barton, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California.

A healthy romantic relationship should bring you emotional safety, laughter, and a sense of meaning, Barton explains. “That kind of closeness can be a protective factor in the chaos of parenting and work.”

On the other hand, it’s also totally fine if your partner is not your best friend. “I like to say that we have to be friendly with our spouses, but not best friends,” says Anindita Bhaumik, LISCW, clinical director of Boston Evening Therapy Associates. “Companionship is an important ingredient for long-term marriages, and for some, being married to their best friend is an advantage. However, others may feel they benefit more from distinguishing the relationships of ‘best friend’ and ‘spouse.’ If you don’t think of your spouse as your best friend, but you are happy in your relationship, satisfied in your other friendships, and content with the separation of ‘spouse’ and ‘best friend,’ then that’s just fine.”

When is it not healthy to be best friends with your partner?

It’s helpful to know some red flags that a partnership may be zooming right past friendship and careening toward codependency. “If your partner is your only source of emotional connection, that’s where things get tricky. We look at emotional reliance on one person to the exclusion of others as a potential red flag for codependency, especially if it’s accompanied by guilt, anxiety, or an inability to function when that person is unavailable,” Barton says.

Bhaumik suggests you consider…

• How you feel in your relationship with your spouse: Do you feel empowered, secure, and content? Do you feel like you are both equal contributors to a healthy and enjoyable relationship?
• Your broader social circle: Are you satisfied in your other friendships, or do you feel like they are lacking? Are you able to make time to nurture friendships in addition to your marriage? Does your partner encourage your investment in your friendships?

“If any of these questions give you a pit in your stomach, it’s possible your relationship with your partner is out of balance,” she says.

Cultivating Friendships & Your Relationship, As A Parent

Listen, we’d all love to have a giant girl gang and a thriving marriage, a bunch of hobbies we love, and happy, healthy kids. But realistically, parents are chronically short on time. Sometimes our partners sub in as our best friends because, well, you don’t really see your friends anymore. If you miss those connections or want to invest more time in your friendships, that’s a worthwhile endeavor, these experts agree.

“For most tired parents, it’s not realistic to have five deep friendships, a thriving marriage, and eight hours of sleep. So, instead of aiming for more relationships, focus on quality. Check in with yourself: Do I have someone outside of my partner I can be real with? Do I have space to be just me, not a parent, not a partner?” Barton says.

It’s hard to do it all, Bhaumik agrees, especially with young kids in the mix. “The best place to start is with an understanding with your partner. If both of you agree that you want to figure out how to prioritize your marriage alongside your individual friendships, you’ll be headed in the right direction. It’s a juggling act, but taking turns to have nights out with friends and making an effort to take time to connect as a couple will get you far.”