What Is ‘Normal Marital Hatred’? The Relationship Phenomenon Explained

Have you ever woken up one morning, suddenly repulsed by your spouse — when their presence sets a fiery rage into your heart, and you cannot stand them? It may last a few minutes, days or weeks, but eventually, you snap out of it, realizing you were just going through a harder time in your marriage. Peaks were around the bend! This is very healthy and normal!

Podcast host and author Tim Ferriss asked his guest, renowned family therapist Terry Real, what he means when he talks about the term “normal marital hatred.” And while the term can sound really, really bad, Real reveals that the rhythm of normal marital hatred actually means you and your spouse are doing great!

“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair. Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move from disruption to repair. Our culture doesn't teach it,” Real explained on the podcast.

“We don't deal with reality. The father of couples therapy back in the 50s said, ‘The day you turn to the person who's next to you and you say, “This is a mistake, I've been had. This is not the person I fell in love with That ... is the first day of your real marriage.”

Okay...mind blown!

So, what about that disharmony part? How is it possible to know that while you’re “hating” your spouse, you’re actually building skills to strengthen your marriage? Real explains that these are the moments of true growth.

“So, here's what I wanna say about disharmony. It hurts, it's dark. You can really, really feel like, “What the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment.’ And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too.”

Real assures us that marital hatred, those moments of pause and doubt, and fear, are healthy.

“I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner, that's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my god, what? 30 years. This is true. Now, one person has ever come backstage and said, ‘Terry, what do you mean by that?’ It's okay, kids — don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”

Several people commented on Real’s opinion, agreeing with his explanation of how periodically hating your spouse can actually be healthy.

“Hatred disappears when a person able to hold 2 truths simultaneously: I love you, I don’t like you now. Dialectical thinking,” one user wrote.

Another said, “When people stop romanticizing relationships and realize you're relating to another autonomous human being, it's easier to understand, relate, love and also forgive.”

Every now and then, marriages need a little bit of a reset!