What Couples Who Survive A Betrayal Do In The First Six Months

Your partner is your person, your safe place, your rock — so when they betray you unexpectedly, it can feel like the ground split open beneath you, and there’s no more safety net. Maybe you’re not sure what to do next. Maybe you’re thinking of ending things, or you want to try and work on it first. Whatever happened and wherever you are, there are certain steps couples take after a betrayal that relationship experts say predict whether or not they’ll move forward together or fall apart.

For starters, a betrayal doesn’t just mean someone cheated. Any breach of trust can feel like betrayal, says Blythe Landry, MS, licensed clinical social worker, author of Trauma Intelligence, and founder of Grief to Purpose. Quitting a job without letting your partner know, buying a car or adopting a pet without discussing it first, or parenting in a way your partner is opposed to behind their back — these are all betrayals. So too are having affairs and endangering your kids, like drinking and driving with them in the car, Landry explains.

Those first six months after a betrayal are when the pain is most acute, Landry says. And following any type of betrayal, each partner is going to face their own unique hurdles.

“Oftentimes, the betrayed partner has difficulty determining if things are safe emotionally, as well as being uncertain of what they can believe about their relationship,” Suzanne Koch Eckenrode, licensed marriage and family therapist at Carlsbad Beach Recovery. “The person responsible for breaking the trust may be experiencing feelings of guilt, shame, or defensiveness. One of the biggest obstacles to healing is the fact that both parties will heal at a different rate. It can be very challenging to begin the process of healing when one feels ready to proceed while the other does not feel ready.”

So, how do you begin to move forward at all? Here’s what the experts advise.

What Couples Who Survive A Betrayal Do In The First Six Months

1. They focus on consistency.

Instead of trying to immediately forgive and move on, couples who stick together put their energy toward being consistent with one another, says Koch Eckenrode. This is what rebuilds trust in the long run.

“The couple establishes clear boundaries, communicates in an open manner when they feel uncomfortable or angry, and takes responsibility without blaming the other person,” she says. “Typically, rebuilding a relationship is not achieved by a single grand action but through many actions, to create enough positive interactions so the two people begin to trust each other again gradually.”

2. They both take accountability for their roles in the relationship.

In most cases, the “perpetrator” has not suddenly turned evil and betrayed their partner. These things don’t happen in a vacuum.

“There is often a history of communication differences and things that are going on that lead one party to do something,” Landry says. “Now, that does not make the other person responsible for their choice to betray. But for example, if someone is constantly criticized and they are afraid to tell the truth because [of it], they may be much more likely to do something that they don’t tell their partner about. So one very positive sign is if both parties can look at their accountability.”

One partner may feel chronically unheard, rejected, or disrespected, which ultimately leads to a betrayal of some kind, Landry says. While it doesn’t excuse them, it does explain the behavior — and it reveals what needs fixing to move forward in your relationship together.

3. The betrayer genuinely strives to understand why they did it.

When a normally good, moral person betrays their partner, typically something inside of them is not OK. Either because they don’t want to or don’t know how to process those feelings, they look for something external to help. Maybe it’s an affair partner because their spouse no longer seems sexually interested in them. Maybe it’s drinking too much because it takes the edge off the bad feelings. But their commitment to understanding their own behavior plays a major role in healing and rebuilding trust.

And, importantly, the other partner is patient while they suss out what led them to stray.

“It’s always easy to see when it’s not you,” Landry says. “That’s what I would say to anyone going to couples counseling or even going to a pastor or whoever you go to for help. When it’s inside of you, it’s so evasive sometimes.”

4. They both commit to working on the relationship, even if it seems like only one partner is the problem.

Thinking back to her own clients, Landry says the couples in which both partners were genuinely invested in fixing things — those were the ones who repaired their relationships. That meant both showing up for counseling, both taking accountability, and both being vulnerable throughout the process.

5. They communicate, communicate, communicate until that becomes the norm.

Let’s say one partner travels often for work, and has also used that time to gamble away large sums of money in secret before. Short of quitting that job and never traveling again, how can the couple handle this scenario in a way that rebuilds trust?

“Discuss your travels beforehand and establish reasonable times for checking in with one another, then immediately inform each other of any changes from the plan,” says Koch Eckenrode. “The person doing the travel will be expected to follow through and do as agreed upon without having to constantly be reminded. The purpose here is not to provide some sort of long-term surveillance system; it’s to create an environment where each person feels safe enough that they are transparent about their actions naturally because it has become a part of who they are as opposed to being something they need to do.”

If you had good communication before the betrayal, that’s usually the biggest indicator that you two will successfully get through this as a couple, Landry says.

6. They hold each other in high regard, even when it’s hard.

This has more to do with your personalities than the relationship itself, Landry notes, but the ability to see each other in a positive light will get you far. When the betrayed party has the capacity to look at their partner and say, “This is a good person who did a bad thing,” that’s a really good sign.

Of course, there are those people who don’t deserve this level of grace. “There’s a difference between giving someone another chance and holding them in high regard and letting someone abuse you. Make sure that you’re not so attached to someone that they’ve done something repeatedly to betray you and you’re holding onto it in the name of compassion, and really you’re harming yourself,” she says.

7. They get outside support.

Again, it’s impossible to see yourself and your behaviors clearly all the time, Landry says. This is where the support of a therapist, family member, religious leader, or other non-biased third party can be helpful.

“Before you go to a professional, make sure to ask them questions like, ‘What have you done before? Have you worked with other couples in this situation? Do you work on yourself?’ I have never had a pre-client ask me if I go to therapy, but I really wish they would because you really shouldn’t be helping people unless you're helping yourself,” Landry says.

If you do opt to lean on a pastor or church elder for guidance, make sure they are not going to encourage you to stay in an unhealthy relationship, she adds. “The cool thing about therapy is that the therapist will have to see each of you individually prior to doing couples counseling. And they are doing that to make sure the relationship is safe.”