This Sex Therapist Explains Why She Makes Out With Her Husband Every. Single. Night.
I am exhausted at the thought of this.
It’s 7:30 P.M. You just got the kids to sleep after a day of working a full-time job, meal planning for the week, helping the kids with homework and fitting in a short workout. You’re exhausted. It’s finally time to sit down, relax, and binge-watch Love Is Blind. But wait — did you have your nightly make out session with your husband?
A licensed sex therapist on TikTok is going viral after insisting that the key to a healthy sex life with your partner is daily make out sessions. I have so many questions.
Vanessa Marin (@vanessaandxander) shared in a TikTok video that she and her husband make out every single night. She believes that once the spark of a relationship inevitably fades, with every deep, passionate kiss or intimate moment — sex is expected.
These kinds of assumptions and expectations can lead to uncomfortable moments, resentment, and ultimately no physical contact at all.
“Here's how it usually goes in long-term relationships,” she begins. “When you first start dating each other, it's like you can't keep your hands off each other, right? You’re always touching, always kissing.”
“But the pattern for most people is that once they get into a long-term relationship, they really stop touching and kissing so much, and eventually it gets to the point where the only time that you're like really kissing each other is when you're trying to initiate sex.”
When couples hold onto this kind of mentality, she believes they can suffer from what she calls the “bristle reaction.”
The bristle reaction, Marin explains, is when you become so “hyper vigilant” to your partner’s touch or kisses that you can actually feel yourself bristle whenever your partner tries to come in and make contact with you.
While it may seem counter-intuitive, her perspective actually makes sense. She and her partner kiss intimately daily to help break the connection between deep, passionate kisses and the end-goal of sex. So, they’re building physical intimacy while also setting healthy physical boundaries in their sex life.
Science has proven that kissing causes a chemical reaction in your brain, including a burst of the hormone oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone” because it stirs up feelings of affection and attachment.
A 2013 study showed that oxytocin is particularly important in helping men bond with a partner and stay monogamous.
This method could really work for couples who feel like they’re not connecting when it comes to sexual expectations. Research actually shows that once a week is a common baseline for sex, according to the experts.
“We wanted to give ourselves lots of experiences when we were making out and it wasn’t leading to sex,” Marin explained. “Our rule is that we have to make out every single night, and there has to be some tongue contact.”
If you’re wondering how, as a busy, tired mom, you’re supposed to slip your hubby the tongue every single night, you’re not alone! I, too, am trying to wrap my head around this “rule” she and her husband have implemented.
Marin knows that many might question her approach, insists that these make out sessions don’t have to be like the hour-long ones you used to have in those first few, spicy months of dating.
“If we’re really exhausted, it can be very fast,” she explained. “It doesn’t need to take much time or much energy ...”
However, she does insist that in order for it to be a proper make out “there has to be contact of the tongues.”
One user commented, sharing the sentiment of so many women, “Is it bad that I get really tired of the thought of making out. It’s sometimes a lot of effort for me emotionally and physically?”
Others were totally on board with Marin, noting that they participate in similar intimacy practices. “We like to act like teens in the hall sneaking grabs and kisses throughout the day and it helps build fun tension,” one user said.
Another echoed, “22 years and we kiss and snuggle everyday even if it’s 5 minutes 🥰”
Is anyone willing to give this a try with their spouse and report back? I’ll be hiding in my pantry in the meantime.