Parenting

40+ 'Orange Is The New Black' Quotes From Everyone's Favorite Inmates

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Following their arrival on our screens in 2013, the Orange is the New Black ladies entertained us for seven seasons before the show wrapped last year. Loosely based on the memoir of Piper Kerman, the series tells the story of Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling) as she is thrust into the world of women’s prisons having been convicted of transporting drug money. Inside Litchfield Penitentiary, she reconnects with Alex Vause (Laura Prepon), the ex-girlfriend she transported money for. As Piper grows accustomed to prison life, viewers learn more about the lives of her fellow inmates and what led to their imprisonment.

The comedy-drama’s development provided us with touching backstories and hilarious one-liners as it carved out each character’s personality, often through dark humor. We’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite Orange is the New Black quotes that mostly capture these characters in their funniest form. Read on, reminisce and see if your favorite inmate is on the list.

  1. “I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift.” – Piper
  2. “No offense, but uh, men being in charge has never done me any good.” –Pennsatucky
  3. “I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners.” –Red
  4. “I am not crazy. I am unique.” –Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’
  5. “You’re still hot. I mean you’re a horrible person, but you’re hot as hell.” –Caputo
  6. Flaca: “A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious. I can’t think straight.”

Blanca: “That’s just an excuse for being stupid.”

  1. “By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to mensies.” –Piper
  2. Pennsatucky: “Are you gonna let all the men die out?”

Big Boo: “Oh, fuck no, we need slaves. You know, bookkeeping, janitorial, fetch and carry, that kind of shit.”

  1. “My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing. But she never shut the fuck up.” –Morello
  2. “A tunnel, Red? That is so Bugs Bunny.” –Vee
  3. “Bitch, if grateful paid the bills, we’d all be fuckin’ Bill Gates!” –Black Cindy
  4. “You want to assassinate someone, vision is a basic requirement. It’s like step one, pick a person to kill. Step two, kill that person.” –Red
  5. “This food looks like something a walrus would regurgitate to feed its least favorite baby.” –Alex
  6. “This year I’m lovin’ someone who deserves me. Me.” –Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’

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  1. Red: “Poison is beneath you, Frieda. It’s for witches and bored housewives, not badass biker chicks with octopus tattoos.”

Frieda: “What can I say? I’m gettin’ old.”

  1. “According to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger or a correctional officer. You are aware that you just told an inmate in a prison that she should become a corrections officer? What the fuck is wrong with you?!” –Nicky
  2. “It’s not the dying that’s hard. It’s that I have to do it here. The last thing I have to see is you assholes.” –Rosa
  3. “She a lesbian. They lesbianing together.” –Pennsatucky
  4. Pennsatucky: “Hey! What are y’all playin’?”

Nicky: “A game as old as time.” Pennsatucky: “Cool. What’s it called?” Nicky: “Exclusion.”

  1. “What? I’m bored! Can’t we have a race war? It’ll be fun!” –Black Cindy
  2. “Look, I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. It’s my Lance Armstrong rock.” –Piper
  3. “I used to think you were a yellow dandelion, but you are all dried up with the puff blown off. But that’s all right. You are who you are, like I am who I am.” –Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’
  4. “Are you jealous that I’m kind of pretty now and you’re not?” –Pennsatucky
  5. “Hey, did you ever see that one movie? The one where there’s this cowboy and he’s like the king of the castle and then this astronaut shows up and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him. But instead, the astronaut is taken hostage by this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends.” –Morello
  6. “Go ahead and call me Jesus from now on, ’cause this bitch just worked a miracle.” –Sophia
  7. “Congratulations. You’ve officially ruined a man’s life.” –Fig
  8. Nicky: “Look at you, blondie. What’d you do?”

Piper: “Aren’t you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you’re not supposed to ask that.” Nicky: “You read that? What, you studied for prison?”

  1. “All problems are boring until they’re your own.” –Red
  2. “I believe this world is a damaged place, and if you can find a sliver of happiness, stay in it as long as you can.” –Poussey
  3. “You know, another layer of icing on a shit cake doesn’t make it taste good.” –Nicky
  4. “This is the loneliest place I’ve ever been and I lived in a tree for eight months!” –Soso
  5. “I threw my pie for you.” –Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’
  6. “I like hot girls. And I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I’m shallow.” –Piper
  7. Big Boo: “No such fucking word as ‘knifes.'”

Lorna: “No? Then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? I’ll tell you. He knifes him.”

  1. “Listen, if your mind is starting to go, just tell me and I’ll mercy break your neck, so you don’t end up in Psych.” –Gloria
  2. “She disrespected me. Now I’m gonna have to kill her.” –Pennsatucky
  3. “Is this the bus to the underworld?” –Poussey
  4. “Did your mother put the whiskey in the baby bottle, or did she just mix it in with the dog food she fed you?” –Nicky
  5. “You know, you can cheat on your wife with hookers who indulge your diaper fetish and still be the senator from Louisiana, so long as you apologize.” –Judy
  6. Taystee: “Man, if George R.R. Martin wrote about prisons, I’d be, like…the Hand of the Warden.”

Poussey: “Yo, don’t the Hand always die in them books?”

  1. “I’m gangsta. Like with an ‘A’ at the end.” –Piper

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