60 Hilarious Schitt's Creek Quotes And One-Liners

60 ‘Schitt’s Creek’ Quotes To Make You Feel Part Of The Rose Family

January 24, 2020 Updated June 4, 2020

schitts creek quotes

Since premiering in 2015, Schitt’s Creek has quickly established itself as one of TV’s funniest comedies. Its phenomenal cast has entertained us with hilarious one-liners and exaggerated expressions for the past few years. Now that the series is in its final season, we’re dreading saying goodbye to the Roses and their antics. So to turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter, we’ve compiled a list of 56 iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes we’ve been repeating since we heard ’em. Ew, David!

  1. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” – David
  2. “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis!” – Alexis
  3. “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” – Moira
  4. “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” – David
  5. “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” – Roland
  6. “Tweet us on Facebook!” – Johnny
  7. “Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this…Okay, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.” – Alexis
  8. “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” – David
  9. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.'” – Alexis
  10. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you…a lot.” – David
  11. “I totally get that.” – Alexis on something she totally does not get
  12. Patrick: “We just need a body.”
    David: “Then go to the morgue.”
  13. “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” – Johnny
  14. “Very uninterested in that opinion.” – David
  15. “I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing…um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.” – Alexis
  16. “Never let the bastards get you down!” – Moira
  17. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” – Stevie

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  18. “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” – Alexis
  19. Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?”
    Roland: “…That’s the sonogram of our baby!”
  20. “Is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” – David on Roland’s style
  21. “You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” – Jocelyn to David
  22. “Why am I getting booed?” – Johnny
  23. “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” – Alexis
  24. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” – David
  25. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” – Moira
  26. “Stop doing that with your face.” – Alexis
  27. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” – Ted
  28. “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was twenty two.” – David
  29. “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” – Stevie
  30. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” – Moira
  31. “But people love extreme vanity…and they love puppies!” – Alexis
  32. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” – Johnny
  33. “You smell very flammable right now.” – David to drunk Stevie
  34. “Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” – Patrick
  35. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” – Stevie
  36. Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?”
    Moira: “Awards.”
  37. “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” – David on surviving in NYC
  38. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” – AlexisRead more: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

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  39. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” – Alexis
  40. “Are we having a bad day, honey?” – Johnny to Moira
  41. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” – David
  42. “Oh in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” – Alexis
  43. David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.”
    Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.”
  44. “I’m only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.” – Stevie
  45. “I’m gonna need a stiff drink to get through this.” – David
  46. “The actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince; but for the last two months of that, I was trapped in his palace, trying to get to an embassy.” – Alexis
  47. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” – Johnny
  48. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” – Moira
  49. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” – Stevie
  50. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” – David
  51. “I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” – Alexis
  52. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” – David
  53. “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” – Alexis
  54. Johnny: “My son is pansexual.”
    Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.”
  55. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” – David
  56. “Fall off a bridge, please.” – David to Alexis
  57. “My car’s worth less than your pants. Well, I’ve seen your car and that makes sense to me” Alexis/David
  58. “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” — Moira
  59. “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.” — Moira
  60. “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.” – Moira