85 Hilarious Schitt's Creek Quotes And One-Liners

85 ‘Schitt’s Creek’ Quotes To Make You Feel Part Of The Rose Family

January 24, 2020 Updated November 14, 2020

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CBC

Since premiering in 2015, Schitt’s Creek has quickly established itself as one of TV’s funniest comedies. Its phenomenal cast has entertained us with hilarious one-liners and exaggerated expressions for the past few years. Now that the series is in its final season, we’re dreading saying goodbye to the Roses and their antics. So to turn those tears of sadness into tears of laughter, we’ve compiled a list of 56 iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes we’ve been repeating since we heard ’em. Ew, David!

  1. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” – David
  2. “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis!” – Alexis
  3. “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” – Moira
  4. “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” – David
  5. “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” – Roland
  6. “Tweet us on Facebook!” – Johnny
  7. “Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this…Okay, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.” – Alexis
  8. “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” – David
  9. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.'” – Alexis
  10. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you…a lot.” – David
  11. “I totally get that.” – Alexis on something she totally does not get
  12. Patrick: “We just need a body.”
    David: “Then go to the morgue.”
  13. “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” – Johnny
  14. “Very uninterested in that opinion.” – David
  15. “I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing…um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.” – Alexis
  16. “Never let the bastards get you down!” – Moira
  17. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” – Stevie

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  18. “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” – Alexis
  19. Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?”
    Roland: “…That’s the sonogram of our baby!”
  20. “Is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” – David on Roland’s style
  21. “You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” – Jocelyn to David
  22. “Why am I getting booed?” – Johnny
  23. “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” – Alexis
  24. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” – David
  25. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” – Moira
  26. “Stop doing that with your face.” – Alexis
  27. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” – Ted
  28. “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was twenty two.” – David
  29. “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” – Stevie
  30. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” – Moira
  31. “But people love extreme vanity…and they love puppies!” – Alexis
  32. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” – Johnny
  33. “You smell very flammable right now.” – David to drunk Stevie
  34. “Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” – Patrick
  35. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” – Stevie
  36. Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?”
    Moira: “Awards.”
  37. “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” – David on surviving in NYC
  38. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” – AlexisRead more: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

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    CBC
  39. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” – Alexis
  40. “Are we having a bad day, honey?” – Johnny to Moira
  41. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” – David
  42. “Oh in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” – Alexis
  43. David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.”
    Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.”
  44. “I’m only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.” – Stevie
  45. “I’m gonna need a stiff drink to get through this.” – David
  46. “The actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince; but for the last two months of that, I was trapped in his palace, trying to get to an embassy.” – Alexis
  47. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” – Johnny
  48. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” – Moira
  49. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” – Stevie
  50. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” – David
  51. “I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” – Alexis
  52. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” – David
  53. “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” – Alexis
  54. Johnny: “My son is pansexual.”
    Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.”
  55. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” – David
  56. “Fall off a bridge, please.” – David to Alexis
  57. “My car’s worth less than your pants. Well, I’ve seen your car and that makes sense to me” Alexis/David
  58. “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” — Moira
  59. “I’m positively bedeviled with meetings et cetera.” — Moira
  60. “I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.” – Moira
  61. “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” – Moira
  62. “You know, being approachable isn’t that important anyway, The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” – David
  63. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” – David
  64. “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” – Moira
  65. “Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” – Alexis
  66. “As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. Like there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested.” — Alexis
  67. “Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis
  68. “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.” — Alexis
  69. “Honestly, Twy? Ix-nay on the ong-say because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted I am tone deaf and he was a super angry marine. But…” — Alexis
  70. “So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.” — Alexis
  71. “I don’t skate through life. I walk through life… in really nice shoes.” — Alexis
  72. “Stop doing that with your face.” — Alexis
  73. “It’s a list of BuzzFeeds most motivational quotes for girl bosses under thirty.” — Alexis
  74. “My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.” — Roland
  75. “He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I’m his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would’ve been less confusing.” — Johnny
  76. Roland: “Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can’t tell our kids who to love. Who said that?”
    Johnny: “You did.”
  77. “I’d really like you to sing at my cousin’s funeral. She’s not dead, but she’s been coughing a lot lately.” — Roland
  78. “Where is bebe’s chamber?” — Moira
  79. “I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” — Alexis
  80. “How mercurial is life… we all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis, and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” — Moira
  81. “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.” — Alexis
  82. “Fear not, she hath risen!” — Moira
  83. “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.”
  84. “I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.” — Moira
  85. “You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.” — David