Parenting

67 Pirate Jokes That Arrrrre Sure To Make You Laugh

Updated: Oct. 25, 2021

Originally Published: June 16, 2020

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty

Did you know “International Talk Like A Pirate Day” is September 19? That’s right. The pirate’s life and language is so popular, it warrants its very own “holiday.” Whether you’re here on September 19th or just looking for some laughs for a pirate-obsessed kiddo, you’ve come to the right place. Pulling from their well-known grunts and even picking at their lack of limbs, all of these pirate jokes are Grade A material for fun family laughs. At least for the kiddos.

Pirate Jokes Pt. 1

1. How do pirates know that they are pirates?

They think, therefore they ARRRR!

2. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?

CPARRRRR

4. How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to aye!

5. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him.

6. Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed a little arrrrg and arrrg

7. What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?

High Cs

8. Where do pirates keep their valuables?

In a jarrrrr

9. What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

10. What does the pirate say when his leg gets stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

11. Why’d the pirate join Gold’s Gym?

To improve his booty

12. How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?

He bought it on sail.

13. How do you turn a pirate furious?

Take away the “p.”

14. What did the ocean say to the pirate?

Nothing, it just waved.

15. What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?

One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

16. What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

17. What does a dyslexic pirate say?

RRRRRRA!

18. How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck-an-ear.

19. What’s a pirate’s least favorite veggie?

Leeks

20. Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?

Because booty is only shin deep

Pirate Jokes Pt. 2

21. Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.

22. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at C.

23. Why’d the pirate go to the Apple store?

He needed a new ipatch

24. What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise?

The plank!

25. What’s the name of the world’s most frugal pirate?

Barry D. Treasure

26. Why does the pirate carry his sword?

Because swords can’t walk. Duh.

27. How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

An arm and a leg.

28. To err is human. To arr pirate.

29. What’s a pirate use his cell phone for?

Booty calls

30. Where do pirates go for a drink?

The sandbar

31. What do you call a stupid pirate?

The pillage idiot

32. Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?

Because he was standing on the deck.

33. What’s a pirates favorite part of a song?

The hook!

34. What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of fish?

Swordfish

35. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?

A pumpkin patch.

Pirate Jokes Pt. 1, Matey!

36. Why type of socks do pirates wear?

Arrrrgyle

37. What did the first mate send down the toilet?

The Captain’s log!

38. What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian?

Aye matey years old!

39. What’s a pirate’s worst enemy?

Termites

40. Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop

41. Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs?

Because they already have all the booty!

42. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?

He got marooned.

43. What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?

Robin Hook

44. What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school?

Captain Hooky!

45. How much does it cost for a Pirate to get his ears pierced?

‘Bout a Buccaneerrrrr( buck an ear)

46. What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of food?

BARRRR-B-Q!

47. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?

An expert pirate.

48. What do you call a pirate with 2 arms and 2 legs?

A beginner.

49. Why are pirates pirates?

Because they Arrrrrrgh!

50. What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.

51. What do you call a pirate that skips class?

Captain Hooky.

52. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.”

The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here.”

53. How do you make a pirate very angry?

You take away the “p”.

54. What do pirates wear when it gets really cold?

Long Johns.

55. How did the pirate call his mate?

On his aye phone.

Pirate-worthy Pick Up Lines

Let’s face it: Just like jokes, pick up lines are inherently silly. While these definitely aren’t kid-appropriate, it doesn’t mean that you can’t use ‘em on your partner.

1 Prepare to be boarded!

2. Permission to fire my cannon through your portholes? 3. Aye, Pirate! Is that a hornpipe in your pocket or are ye happy to me? 4. I know where you can bury your treasure. 5. Wanna see the world’s best pirate booty? 6. Your Jolly Roger ain’t the only thing ye’ll be raisin’ tonight. 7. Arrrrrrrrre ye free tonight, after bedtime? 8. Care if my parrot watches while ye board me ship, matey? 9. Lookin’ for booty? Mine’s ready for pillaging. 10. Yo ho ho! I’ve got a bottle of rum and a penchant for making drunken mistakes. 11. Can I help making your roger a little more jolly? 12. Let’s head back to me ship and rock the boat.

Pirate Jokes For Kids

Looking for pirate jokes the whole crew can enjoy, little ones included? These are a little gentler on the groan-factor and perfect for family game night or a classroom joke-of-the-day.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was standing on the deck!
What do you call a pirate who skips class? Captain Absent!
Why did the pirate bring a bar of soap to sea? In case he needed to wash ashore!
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's R, but it's the C they love!
Why don't pirates ever go on a diet? They just love to have their booty!
What do you call a pirate dinosaur? A Pira-saurus!
Why did the pirate buy an eyepatch? He woke up one day and just 'arrred' himself!
What's a pirate's favorite subject in school? Arrrt!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg? An arm and a leg!
What do you call a pirate who's afraid of the ocean? A chicken of the sea!
Why did the pirate take a bar of soap on his ship? So he could keep his buccaneers clean!
What do you call two pirates who share an iPad? Aye-pad buddies!
Why was the pirate's parrot always so moody? It had a chip on its shoulder!
What do pirates call their kids? Little swashbucklers!
Why did the young pirate get a time out? He kept saying 'Walk the plank!' to his sister!

Pirate One-Liners

Sometimes you don't need a full setup and punchline — you just need a quick quip to drop at the right moment. Here are some of our favorite pirate one-liners.

I'm not just any pirate — I'm the one they write legends about. Mostly the ones that start with 'once upon a shipwreck.'
Pirates don't need GPS. We just follow the X.
I'm all about that bass... boat, that is.
A good pirate always knows when to drop anchor and when to drop the mic.
Why walk the plank when you can just moonwalk off it?
My pirate motto: live fast, loot hard, nap often.
There's no 'I' in treasure, but there's definitely a 'me' in 'gimme.'
A pirate's favorite exercise? The plank.
Some people search for buried treasure. I just check under the couch cushions.
Pirates never get lost — we just discover new places to be lost in.

Pirate Riddles

Feeling clever? These pirate-themed riddles are a fun twist on the classic joke format — see if you can guess the answer before you read it.

I sail the seas but have no legs, I carry treasure in my pegs. What am I? A pirate ship
What has one eye, says 'arrr,' and loves a good map? A pirate
I'm marked with an X, but I'm not a kiss — what do pirates dig for, never missing a trick? Buried treasure
What flies above a ship, is black and white, and strikes a little fear at first sight? The Jolly Roger
I hold the gold but I'm not a bank, I'm buried deep and wooden-planked. What am I? A treasure chest
What bird sits on a pirate's shoulder and repeats everything it's told? A parrot
I have a hook but I'm not a fish, what's a pirate's most famous wish — a hand replaced? A hook hand
What do you call the line where sea meets sky, that pirates always keep an eye on? The horizon