65 Ryan Reynolds Quotes That'll Make You Cry From Laughter

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
ryan reynolds quotes
Steven Ferdman/Getty

Ryan Reynolds is the king of the dad joke. Don’t believe us? Check out any quote or Tweet he has ever sent out on parenting, fatherhood, newborns, and stinky poop diapers. The always-hilarious comedian and actor may have cemented his position as one of Hollywood’s leading men (hello, Deadpool!), but it’s truly his role as husband to actress Blake Lively and father to daughters Inez, James, and Betty that feeds his comedy.

Reynolds is a riot and proves that he’s just as funny off-screen on social media as he on camera.

Whether he’s trolling Lively on Instagram or his castmates or sardonically mocking his own lack of sleep at the hands of three young children, Reynolds is the funny dad who’s one-liners, jokes, and puns will get you through the longest sleepless night with your own little love bug. With that in mind, we went ahead and rounded up the best Reynolds quotes and tweets to bring a smile to your face.


1. “Being a Dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.”

2. “It’s amazing that you can be that exhausted and that happy at the same time.”

3. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.”

4. “On our 6 am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.”

5. “Ask your doctor if you qualify for an extension. A 4th, possibly even 5th trimester can be very peaceful for the father. Congrats.”

6. “My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.”

7. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ And the second I looked in that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.”

8. “It’s amazing to see my older daughter taking care of my younger one. The Lion King was right! The circle of life, it exists.”

9. “Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

10. “Laughing can serve you in dark moments and even help you crawl your way back out.”

11. “I never admitted it out loud, to myself or my wife, but I really wanted a little girl. It’s the best.”

12. “My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing, and a part when the parents die.”

13. “Early on I saw my mom handle the baby, and my heart jumped into my throat because she was just handling her like a piece of meat! Then I realized, ‘Oh, this is a person who knows her way around a naked eight-pounder and is not slightly terrified.'”

14. “Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.”

15. “I have no problem waking up five times in the middle of the night and changing diapers, and as exhausted as you get, I have this stupid grin on my face all the time.”

16. “I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.”

17. “Turns out Game of Thrones is NOT historically accurate. Apologies for calling my idiot 6-year-old nephew an imbecile.”

18. “I think you have to let go of this idea that you can be precious about everything, and let it be the abstract mess that it is.”

19. “After this morning’s diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.”

20. “I watched Frozen without my two-year-old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.”

21. “These days, I think of blinking as taking tiny little naps all day.”

22. “Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep.”

23. “Damn it’s hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.”

24. “People have their complexities. They have their heroic moments and their villainous moments, too.”

25. “The mobile above my daughter’s crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.”

26. “I think every relationship is going to go through a few rough patches. Those are what make it stronger, I think.”

27. “Everyone thinks their baby is a genius. People find it delightfully refreshing when I tell them, ‘My baby? Totally average. Like, 100 percent average.'”

28. “I just want to finish what I’m doing and go home. I want to have a weekend. I want to have breakfast, a stack of pancakes. I don’t want to not enjoy where I am at this very moment. So, every time I plan something the exact opposite happens.”

29. “Inside my daughter’s diaper this morning, I found a half-digested wolf. Try me.”

30. “I love Canada. It makes a nice hat for America. When America runs out of water, it’s the first place I’ll go.”

31. “It’s important kids eat five servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.”

32. “This morning, my daughter said, ‘quiche’ which means she’s smart, hungry, and an asshole.”

33. “I never took acting classes, but I knew I could do it based on the skill with which I lied to my parents on a regular basis!”

34. “Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.”

35. “No matter which kids’ book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.”

36. “I firmly believe that you can’t manufacture chemistry with anyone, let alone a kid.”

37. “I have a friend who said his 2½-year-old was reciting Chekhov. Now that baby’s a genius and probably, let’s be honest, a bit of an a-hole.”

38. “Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.”

39. “When your dad’s a cop, calling 911 is really just like calling Dad at work.”

40. “What’s better than a 12-hour drive with a screaming one-year-old? Not including hepatitis.”

41. “I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.”

42. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children.”

43. “Tip: It’s important parents take little ‘time outs’ for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.”

44. “My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke’s on her. She’ll have to bury me someday.”

45. “I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.”

46. “If my daughter proves she can take care of the Fire Ants I got her, we’ll get her the damn kitten.”

47. “If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I’d feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.”

48. “In the morning, I like to let the dogs out and sing, “Who let the dogs out” before punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.”

49. “The best part about spending the afternoon at Disneyland in 100-degree heat is passing away in front of so many children.”

50. “Do NOT make me regret this One Direction tattoo on my lower back, fellas.”

51. “Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you’re ‘obsessed.'”

52. “Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, ‘I can’t do this.'”

53. “I’m teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it’s mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.”

54. “Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, ‘Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!’ and ‘Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die.'”

55. “My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s absolute garbage.”

56. “My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.”

57. “My infant daughter’s traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.”

58. “Crime sprees would be so much funnier if your get-a-way vehicle was Hodor from Game of Thrones.”

59. “A family having a picnic about two hundred yards downwind, ate like, half my Dad’s ashes this morning.”

60. “I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds.”

61. “I’m not a hockey fan, which is probably why I had to leave Canada in the first place.”

62. “I run in a pair of New Balances with a thinner sole, but they’re nothing like those barefoot shoes that show all five toes. I have a bit of a phobia about those.”

63. “When I exhale, I just turn right into Louie Anderson.”

64. “I had to wear a suit, so I put in my required time in the gym. But I’m not one of those actors who romanticizes his trials working out and brags that he can bench press a panda now.”

65. “I just love bikes. It’s not the safest passion to have, but I guess it’s better than Russian roulette.”

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