Relax: Sexual Fantasies About Someone Other Than Your Partner Are Normal And Healthy

GettyImages- Hoxton:Sam Edwards

I’m an avid runner and one of the reason why I love it so much is because I can lose myself. I daydream, I fantasize, I rule the world and feel as though I can fix all the problems. That’s a huge reason why I feel so refreshed after I’m done with a run, and why I stick with it. Everyone loves a good fantasy, even if they don’t admit it.

Daydreaming and fantasizing are escapes; we all do it whether we are imagining we are the next Adele, hoping we’re the one who will get that promotion at work everyone wants, or thinking about who we might run into at our next class reunion. It’s normal and healthy, not to mention fun.

And something else we all do–even if we don’t talk about it openly–is bring our fantasies into the bedroom. I’m not just talking about things you want to do with your partner (but yes to that too–it keeps things spicy); I’m talking about fantasizing about being intimate with people other than your partner.

Look, none of us wants to imagine our significant other thinking sexually about someone other than us, but there is a difference between thinking about it and actually doing it. I mean, I think about eating a double cheeseburger then getting a massage and chasing that perfect day with a visit to my favorite shoe store all the damn time, but I don’t do it. People have self-control and are able to think about things without acting on them because they know it’s an impulsive thought that will make them feel good for a moment but will have consequences. But it doesn’t mean it’s not exciting to think about it, or that it might not spice things up in your relationship.

Maybe you’ve been married a long time (or a short time), and a handsome and delicious-smelling gentleman helps you in Home Depot and your mind wanders to what would happen if you asked him to come over and unclog your pipes. This might lead to a little role-playing with your partner and everyone wins.

Perhaps you enjoy giving your man a BJ but occasionally imagine you are really seducing Channing Tatum and neither one of you are allowed to talk. Then there’s a huge plot twist because he falls madly in love with you since you are really good at giving BJs. Not that this has ever crossed my mind; it’s just an example, ahem.

Thoughts like this can leave us feeling guilty, of course, kind of like how we feel after we have a sexy dream about another person. In fact, some believe these thoughts are just as bad as cheating, and it’s considered a huge betrayal of trust to think about other people in a sexual way if they aren’t your partner. But the truth is, we can’t always control our thoughts, and our current lovers are not going to be the only people in the world we are attracted to. We are human beings, and we are built to daydream.

According to an article in The Spruce, sex therapists say that fantasizing about other people is a sign you are happy and healthy and can actually keep your sex life alive and vibrant. Personally, I think that sounds a bit more reasonable — and realistic — than saying you never, ever fantasize about being intimate with another person for the rest of your days.

In the article, Dr. Joyce Brothers explains how common this is, saying,”It might relieve some of your guilt to know that many happily married individuals who have no thought or intention of ever betraying their spouse have sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse.”

So, go ahead and pretend that man you saw pumping gas is going to come over later and deliver his package to you along with your favorite chocolate cake. It just might prompt you to make your husband’s favorite dessert and put on that thong you haven’t worn for over a decade.