50+ Hilarious Shopping Quotes, Jokes, And Puns All Shopaholics Will Love

50+ Shopping Jokes And Puns For Shopaholic Mamas

September 7, 2020 Updated November 6, 2020

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Jacek Dylag/Unsplash

According to an early 2020 poll, nearly 25 percent of all Americans say they shop online at least once a month. Of course, that poll was taken before we were hit with a global pandemic and strict quarantining and lockdown rules. More people than ever before are doing their shopping online. And, of course, many of us are just aching to get back into a store and shop in person. We miss wandering aimlessly through the aisles of Target, Starbucks cup in hand while touching, well, almost everything. And we’re already a bit sad about our lack of mall visits come the holidays. While many shoppers aren’t letting COVID-19 hold them back, some of us are. Either way, a love for shopping unites most of us.

We’re so hooked on shopping, people have even made jokes specific not just to general shopping but to big sales events like Black Friday and Prime Day. These jokes and puns about shopping cover a little bit of everything: From retail therapy to mall rat life. They’re all hilarious… and maybe make us a bit nostalgic these days. Once you’ve read all these, if you’re still in the mood for more jokes, check our collection of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas jokes.

Shopping Jokes For Mall Rats And Shopaholics Alike

1. Where do Sith Lords go shopping?
At the Darth Mall.

2. What do you call an orange that takes over the world?
Orange Julius Caesar.

3. What is cheaper and more effective than a psychiatrist?
Going shopping at a mall.

4. I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him “you’re not going to find what you’re looking for.”

5. They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

6. What kind of bird likes to go shopping?
A Pottery Barn Owl.

7. Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

8. While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”
There’s no way I can turn that down.

9. Once you’ve seen one shopping plaza, you’ve seen the mall.

10. Never do bedroom shopping while drunk
It can lead to one nightstand.

Even More Shopping Jokes

11. VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

12. Did you know the mall has a baseball team? It’s called “The Bad News Build a Bears”

13. Why was the electrician so excited to go shopping with his wife?
She said they were going to the outlet mall.

14. My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.

15. Where do you find magical gifts at the mall? Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Brookstone.

16. What do you call people who sell work clothes at the mall? Gangs of New York and Company.

17. If the shoe fits…..buy it in every color.

18. What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Black Friday Shopping Jokes

19. Black Friday: Because only in America people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

20. Black Friday is a scam.
You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

21. Who profits the most on Black Friday?
The one who was smart enough not to go shopping on that day.

22. The best Black Friday sale is one you can access from your bed.

23. What do people eat on Black Friday?
Whatever they couldn’t finish on Thanksgiving Thursday.

24. Bought a new vacuum on Black Friday.
It sucks!

25. What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?
They know what it’s like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!

26. Why do people go clothes shopping on Black Friday?
To replace all the clothes they spilled Thanksgiving dinner on.

27. How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?
Don’t worry they’ll let you know.

28. Why do shoppers feel like cranberry juice on Black Friday?
They get bruised and battered bloody by other people until they get squeezed at the cashier.

29. How do you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is waiting in line with you on Black Friday? He Jingles All The Way.

30. What flies faster than items off the rack on Black Friday?
Credit card payment slips!

31. How can you be more considerate on Black Friday?
By turning your phone horizontally before recording the shopping brawls.

32. Here’s hoping Black Friday won’t turn into Black and Blue Saturday.

Amazon Prime Day Shopping Jokes

33. Who should be the official spokesperson for Amazon Prime Day?
Deion Sanders AKA “Prime Time!”

34. What’s the C.E.O. of Amazon called?
Prime minister.

35. What is a math teacher’s favorite day to shop for sales?
Prime Day!

36. What Sesame Street character loves Prime Day?
The Count.

37. Every day is Prime Day
If you have no self control.

38. Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

39. What do Amazon Prime and a fan fiction website have in common?
Free shipping.

40. Today, I ordered an egg and a chicken off of Amazon
I’ll let y’all know which one comes first.

41. “They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

42. “Shopping is actually very similar to farming a field. You can’t keep buying the same thing, you have to have a bit of variety. Otherwise you get bored and stop enjoying yourself.” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

43. “Christmas shopping! I can do all my Christmas shopping here! I know March is a bit early, but why not be organized? And then when Christmas arrives I won’t have to go near the horrible Christmas crowds.” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

44. “I honestly feel as though I’ve run an obstacle course to get here. In fact, I think, they should list shopping as a cardiovascular activity. My heart never beats as fast as it does when I see a “reduced by 50 percent” sign.” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

45. “Double advantage points! I mean, it’s just free money, isn’t it?” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

46. “There is no shame in emotional shopping.” – Unknown

47. “Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same & you get a dress out of it.” – Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic

48. “Women usually love what they buy, yet hate two-thirds of what is in their closets.” ― Mignon McLaughlin

49. “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” — Bo Derek

50. “Shopping is my cardio.” — Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

51. “Treat yo self!” — Tom and Donna, Parks and Rec