80+ Smart Jokes To Make You Look Like The Next Einstein

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
smart and clever jokes, photo of Einstein
Bettmann / Getty

The point of telling a joke is usually to be funny — not to seem intelligent. Still, if you happen to come across a hilarious joke that also makes you look smart, it’s a major bonus. So if you’re out here searching for a great ice breaker, or just want to impress your friends with some witty one-liners, here are 32 smart jokes spanning great preschooler jokes, science jokes, chemistry puns, philosophy, psychology, and logic for when you want to impress your friends.


  1. A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
  2. A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
  3. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  4. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”
  5. Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
  6. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, “Is it a boy or a girl?” The logician says, “Yes.”
  7. How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
  8. Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
  9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
  10. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
  11. Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven’t had any gigs yet.
  12. A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
  13. They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
  14. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
  15. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”
  16. A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
  17. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”
  18. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  19. First Law of Thermodynamics: You can’t win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can’t break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can’t stop playing.
  20. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
  21. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  22. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
  23. This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
  24. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
  25. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  26. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. “I think not,” Descartes says. And then he disappears.
  27. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Rhetorical questions don’t get a response.

  1. What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
  2. People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.” Their words — not mine…
  3. What is a physicist’s favorite food? Fission chips.
  4. There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets…
  5. Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  6. Photons have mass? Who knew they were Catholic?
  7. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I probably won’t get a reaction.
  8. Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
  9. A neutron walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer. How much will that be?” The bartender answers, “For you? No charge!”
  10. How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!
  11. A molecule tells another: “A free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”
  12. Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.
  13. What do you do with a chemist who is ill? First you try to helium, then you try to curium, but if this fails then you have to barium.
  14. What is the least interesting element? Bohrium.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

  1. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
  2. Funny fact that is also true: Cuddling can be used as a painkiller.
  3. There are four major reasons you’re forgetful – failure to retrieve, interference, failure to store and intentional deletion. And also because you don’t want to throw out the garbage your bae asked you to.
  4. If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?
  5. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  6. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  7. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
  8. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…
  9. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s ok.

  1. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

  1. Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
  2. This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
  3. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
  4. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
  5. Knock, knock.

Who’s there? To. To who? No, to whom.

  1. How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…

  1. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!” “Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

  1. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

  1. There’s a fine line between a denominator and a numerator. Only a fraction of you will understand this.
  2. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

  1. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

  1. A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
  2. What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?


  1. What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
  2. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

  1. What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

  1. A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks. “That’s my house,” says the castaway. “What’s the second hut for?” “That’s my church.” “And the third hut?” “Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”

  1. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.

  1. Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.

No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.

  1. Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H20.”

The other says, “I’ll have some H20, too.” The second man died.

  1. A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.” “God, how much is a million dollars?” “To me, it’s a penny.” “God, may I have a penny?” “Wait a minute.”

  1. You’re a 10 on the pH scale.

Because you’re basic.

  1. Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
  2. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

  1. Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

  1. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not — here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, “I found you, Pascal!”
  2. Who here can tell me the distance from Betelgeuse to Procyon

using a standard chart?” About an inch and a half.

  1. What happened to the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?

He got stuck in Orbit!

  1. What do astronauts wear to keep warm?

Apollo-neck sweaters!

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