Treat Yo'Self To 70+ Best Tom Haverford Quotes That Will Make You LOL For Days

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
tom haverford quotes

Parks and Rec might be off the air but the love of its unique characters lives on, including Aziz Ansari’s Tom Haverford. One of TV’s best characters, Tom Haverford is both lovable and narcissistic, and famous for dishing out some memorable one-liners — along with some Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer quotes. Which is why we rounded up some of the best and funniest Tom Haverford quotes. So take some time to treat yo’self and LOL at some of our favorite Tom Haverford lines.

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  1. “When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.”
  2. “I’m awesome at being humble.”
  3. “Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.”
  4. “If all goes well, this might be one of the last times I get to speak to you.”
  5. “Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.”
  6. “This morning I saw a YouTube video with a puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar my bar for stunning is pretty high.”
  7. “How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”
  8. “No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin?’”
  9. “This is the hardest I’ve ever worked on anything since…wow—I’ve never worked hard on anything! What a cool life!”
  10. “It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.”


  1. “I got you a going away present. I’m finally deleting you from my phone.”
  2. “Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.”
  3. “I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.”
  4. “Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.”
  5. “At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”
  6. “When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.”
  7. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”
  8. “I’ve been a baller since birth, son. Now I’m an athlete.”
  9. “Snakejuice! I thought these were destroyed by the FDA!”
  10. “I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.”
  11. “We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.”
  12. “I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?”
  13. “I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
  14. “One man came and lifted us all up…and that man was me!”
  15. “A straightforward deal! Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have my straightforward deal fedora on me! We gotta stop at my storage unit!”
  16. “All the sushi is made by fish, previously owned by celebrities.”
  17. “It’s cold outside and I can’t wear mittens because they’re not flattering to my hands!”
  18. “Ronnn. Can you put some more tiny marshmallows in my hot choccy?”
  19. “Video Ron Demand.”
  20. “I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba! DJ Roomba, tearin’ it up!”


  1. “Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don’t have the heart to tell them what’s gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.”
  2. “Most people would say ‘the deets,’ but I say ‘the tails.’ Just another example of innovation.”
  3. “Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”
  4. “To me! I own two restaurants, as well as several other properties. As long as we’re celebrating.”
  5. “Parents, are you tired of watching your middle school aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag! You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich!”Related: 100+ Funny ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines
  6. “I have no interest in art. Let me clarify: I have no interest in non-nude images.”
  7. “See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.”
  8. “Hey, you’re a doctor. You know stitches get stitches!”
  9. “Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.”
  10. “The four sweetest words in the English language: you wore me down.”
  11. “Hahaha, write down that I’m funny!”
  12. “It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.”
  13. “There’s a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they’ve confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.”
  14. “On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?”
  15. “Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.”
  16. “Think about how much better our friendship would be if we added ‘doing it’?”
  17. “Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: is it a banger?”
  18. “She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah man. Turns out, she’s crazy’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.”
  19. “Excuse me, Miss Hanley? Would you mind if I snapped a you-y? It’s what I call selfies of other people.”


  1. “One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what to do! I just moved!”
  2. “I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack! Is that so much to ask?”
  3. “Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.”
  4. “‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’”
  5. “This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose room F. When? 3 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.”
  6. “I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.”
  7. “I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.”
  8. “May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square?”
  9. “Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means. Just ignore him.”
  10. “If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.”
  11. “Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!”
  12. “Everyday I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes, I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shawties. Then I like to go on Reddit. Reddit is great because it has all the important links. Wikipedia! Mankind’s greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J for example. We all know he’s a singer, he’s Brandy’s brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But did you also know he’s Snoop Dog’s cousin and he was in the 96th Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?! Suddenly, you’re on the Mars Attacks page. I love gChat, you can talk to anybody! I hit up brad.pitt. It wasn’t the actor. It was actually a guy named Brad that’s a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don’t have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, ‘What up, boo?’ you can type ‘What up’ and then a cute little ghost because that means boo. There’s even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And it’s like, hold up didn’t Japanese people invent this?! Podcasts! They’re a million of them and they’re all amazing! Jean Ralphio and I have one called Nacho Average Podcast where we rate different kinds of nachos.”


  1. “For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!”
  2. “Twilight is dope. I couldn’t put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.”
  3. “He’s just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it’s going to go down. In a few minutes, we’ll walk in there, we’ll give him our demands, and then BAM — I start crying.”
  4. “Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.”
  5. “Despite what my pocket square says, I’m not a billionaire.”
  6. “These kids are renting old clothes like they’re going out of style! Which they never will.”
  7. “We open from Will Smith’s cinematic classic, Hitch.”
  8. “Love fades away. But things…things are forever.”
  9. “And we all know the better looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks that want to have sex with it.”
  10. “Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.”
  11. “Treat yo self.”

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