animal jokes — NoSystem images/ Getty Images

Animals are the best. And they are also downright hilarious. The dog simply walking into the room is enough to make my toddler burst into laughter. Pigeons in the park? Also uncontrollable giggles. A mooriffic cow jokes? Udderly hilarious. A roofin’ dog quote, joke, and pun? Pawriffic. So why not share some of these clean, kid-friendly animal jokes with the little animal lover in your life? You know, for when the family pet just isn’t bringing in the lols anymore (that will never happen, but still).

1. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer

2. How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper

3. What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
An udder failure

4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk

5. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They are always stuffed

6. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze

7. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button

8. Why do cows go to New York?
To see the moosicals

9. What do you call lending money to a bison?
A buff-a-loan

10. What is the snake’s favorite subject?
Hiss-story

11. What is black, white, and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin

12. Why does a dog wag its tail?
Because there’s no one else to wag it for him

13. What is a cat’s favorite movie?
The sound of Mew-sic

14. Why did the lamb cross the road?
To get to the baaaaarber shop

15. How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean

16. Where do you put barking dogs?
In a barking lot

17. What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for bad driving?
A road hog

18. What is a cheetahs favorite food?
Fast food

19. What do you call a wolf that uses bad language?
A swearwolf

20. What happened when the wolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks

21. What does a duck with hiccups lay?
Scrambled eggs

22. Why do all ducks fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk

23. What did the duck say to the waiter when the check came?
Put it on my bill please

24. Why don’t ducks grow up?
Because they only grow down

25. What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
Its shadow

26. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button

27. What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er

28. What do you get if you cross a duck with a cement mixer?
A brick layer

29. What do you call a cow who plays an instrument?
A moosician

30. Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs

31. Why did the duck cross the road?
To show the chicken how to do it

32. What do ducks put in their soup?
Quackers

33. What happens when you cross a wolf with a sheep?
You have to get a new sheep

34. What was the wolf in the butcher’s shop arrested for?
Chop-lifting

35. Why did the duck cross the construction site?
To see a person lay a brick

36. Which side of a duck has more feathers?
The outside

37. What does a frog eat with his hamburger?
French Flies

38. Why did the hot dog wear a sweater?
Because it was a chili dog

39. How did the mommy duck break her back?
Her son stepped on a quack

40.What do you call a sarcastic duck?
A wise quacker

41. What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers

42. What is a dog’s favorite city?
New Yorkie

43. What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog

44. What time is it when a wolf sees your dinner?
Time to get a new dinner

45. What do you call a wolf who gets lost?
A where-wolf

46. Why did the duck cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

47. Where do tough ducks come from?
Hard-boiled eggs

48. How do spiders communicate?
Through the World Wide Web

49. Why do the French eat snails?
They don’t like fast food

50. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots

51. Why did the leopard refuse to take a bath?
It didn’t want to come out spotless

52. What is the best way to catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut

53. If there was a spelling test, which animal would win?
The bee

54. What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon

55. What did the waiter say to the dog when he brought out her food?
Bone appetit

56. What do you call a great dog detective?
Sherlock Bones

58.Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll

59. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court

61. Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!

62. Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools

63. What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milk dud

64.How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you

65. What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny

66. What fish only swims at night?
A starfish

67. Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales

68. What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll

69. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side

70. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show everyone he wasn’t chicken

71. Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny

72. Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken

73. What animals are on legal documents?
Seals

74. What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A pie-thon

75. What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
Bison

76. Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger?
He thought it was a lion

77. How do bees get to school?
By school buzz

78. How do you stop a mouse from squealing?
Oil it

79. Why did the turtle cross the street?
To get to the Shell station

80. Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired

81. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away

82. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation

83. What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog?

84.Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
They can’t keep their trunks up

85. What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three blind mice

86. How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!

87. What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
Stuck

88. What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
POP

89. How does a hedgehog play leap-frog?
Very carefully

90. What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear

91. How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster

92. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator

93. What do you call an angry monkey?
Furious George

94. What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you

95. What is a cat’s favourite color?
Purr-ple

96. What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries

97. What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear

98. What is the easiest way to count a herd of cows?
Use a cow-culator

99. Why did the foal go to the doctor?
Because he was a little horse

100. What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
It’s jelly-button

101. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats

102. What do rabbits eat for breakfast?
IHOP.

103. What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice Crispies!

104. What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!

105. What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
An investgator!

106. Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

107. What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
Big ones!

108. A pony went to see the doctor, because it couldn’t speak.
“I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor. “You’re a little horse!”

109. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost!

110. What kind of ties do pigs wear?
Pig sties!

111. What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite!

112. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish!

113. What’s a frog’s favorite soda?
Croak-a-Cola!

114. Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!

115. What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick!

116. What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
A gi-ant!

117. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!

118. Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.

119. There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
None, because they were copycats!

120. How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
With flood lighting.

121. What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?
The police had to comb the area.

122. What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

123. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.

124. A man walks into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.
It was a shitzu

125. What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?
Shear madness.

126. What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same?
Itenticle.

127. Where did the cat go when it lost its tail?
To the retail store!

128. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.

129. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!

130. What animal has more lives than a cat?
Frogs, they croak every night!

131. Where do orcas hear music?
Orca-stras!

132. Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

133. What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh!

134. What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth!

135. Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas

136. What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A watch dog.

137. What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lilly.

138. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!

139. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!

140. Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot!

141. How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod?
With your BEAR hands.

142. What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

143. When is a lion not a lion?
When he turns into his cage!

144. What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!

145. What do you call it when Alpacas sing?
Alpacapella.

146. What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala!

147. Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer a cat-alogue.

148. What did they alpaca say to the blade of grass?
Nice knawing you!

149. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!

150. What did the cat on the smart phone say?
Can you hear meow?

151. What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!

152. Road trip? Alpaca my bags.

153. How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied!

154. Why did the dolphin cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

155. Where do dolphins sleep?
In a water bed.

156. Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes?
She was crazy like a fox.

157. When do you have to dance like a fox?
When you’re doing the fox trot.

158. How do electric eels taste?
Shocking.

159. Why are leopards no good at playing hide and seek?
Because they’re always spotted.