Animals are the best. And they are also downright hilarious. The dog simply walking into the room is enough to make my toddler burst into laughter. Pigeons in the park? Also uncontrollable giggles. A mooriffic cow jokes? Udderly hilarious. A roofin’ dog quote, joke, and pun? Pawriffic. So why not share some of these clean, kid-friendly animal jokes with the little animal lover in your life? You know, for when the family pet just isn’t bringing in the lols anymore (that will never happen, but still).
1. What do you call a sleeping bull?
2. How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper
3. What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
An udder failure
4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
5. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They are always stuffed
6. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze
7. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button
8. Why do cows go to New York?
To see the moosicals
9. What do you call lending money to a bison?
10. What is the snake’s favorite subject?
11. What is black, white, and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin
12. Why does a dog wag its tail?
Because there’s no one else to wag it for him
13. What is a cat’s favorite movie?
The sound of Mew-sic
14. Why did the lamb cross the road?
To get to the baaaaarber shop
15. How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
16. Where do you put barking dogs?
In a barking lot
17. What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for bad driving?
A road hog
18. What is a cheetahs favorite food?
19. What do you call a wolf that uses bad language?
20. What happened when the wolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks
21. What does a duck with hiccups lay?
22. Why do all ducks fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk
23. What did the duck say to the waiter when the check came?
Put it on my bill please
24. Why don’t ducks grow up?
Because they only grow down
25. What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
26. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button
27. What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er
28. What do you get if you cross a duck with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
29. What do you call a cow who plays an instrument?
30. Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs
31. Why did the duck cross the road?
To show the chicken how to do it
32. What do ducks put in their soup?
33. What happens when you cross a wolf with a sheep?
You have to get a new sheep
34. What was the wolf in the butcher’s shop arrested for?
35. Why did the duck cross the construction site?
To see a person lay a brick
36. Which side of a duck has more feathers?
37. What does a frog eat with his hamburger?
38. Why did the hot dog wear a sweater?
Because it was a chili dog
39. How did the mommy duck break her back?
Her son stepped on a quack
40.What do you call a sarcastic duck?
A wise quacker
41. What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers
42. What is a dog’s favorite city?
43. What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog
44. What time is it when a wolf sees your dinner?
Time to get a new dinner
45. What do you call a wolf who gets lost?
46. Why did the duck cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
47. Where do tough ducks come from?
48. How do spiders communicate?
Through the World Wide Web
49. Why do the French eat snails?
They don’t like fast food
50. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots
51. Why did the leopard refuse to take a bath?
It didn’t want to come out spotless
52. What is the best way to catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut
53. If there was a spelling test, which animal would win?
54. What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon
55. What did the waiter say to the dog when he brought out her food?
56. What do you call a great dog detective?
58.Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll
59. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court
61. Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!
62. Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools
63. What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milk dud
64.How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you
65. What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny
66. What fish only swims at night?
67. Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales
68. What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
69. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side
70. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show everyone he wasn’t chicken
71. Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny
72. Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken
73. What animals are on legal documents?
74. What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
75. What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
76. Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger?
He thought it was a lion
77. How do bees get to school?
By school buzz
78. How do you stop a mouse from squealing?
79. Why did the turtle cross the street?
To get to the Shell station
80. Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired
81. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away
82. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation
83. What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog?
84.Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
They can’t keep their trunks up
85. What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three blind mice
86. How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
87. What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
88. What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
89. How does a hedgehog play leap-frog?
90. What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
91. How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster
92. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
93. What do you call an angry monkey?
94. What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you
95. What is a cat’s favourite color?
96. What do ducks watch on TV?
97. What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear
98. What is the easiest way to count a herd of cows?
Use a cow-culator
99. Why did the foal go to the doctor?
Because he was a little horse
100. What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
101. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
102. What do rabbits eat for breakfast?
103. What do cats have for breakfast?
104. What do you call a dog magician?
105. What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
106. Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
107. What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
108. A pony went to see the doctor, because it couldn’t speak.
“I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor. “You’re a little horse!”
109. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
110. What kind of ties do pigs wear?
111. What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite!
112. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish!
113. What’s a frog’s favorite soda?
114. Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!
115. What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
116. What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
117. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
118. Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
119. There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
None, because they were copycats!
120. How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
With flood lighting.
121. What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?
The police had to comb the area.
122. What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
123. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
124. A man walks into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.
It was a shitzu
125. What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?
126. What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same?
127. Where did the cat go when it lost its tail?
To the retail store!
128. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
129. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!
130. What animal has more lives than a cat?
Frogs, they croak every night!
131. Where do orcas hear music?
132. Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
133. What do you call a fish without an eye?
134. What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth!
135. Where did the sheep go on vacation?
136. What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A watch dog.
137. What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
138. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
139. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
140. Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot!
141. How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod?
With your BEAR hands.
142. What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
143. When is a lion not a lion?
When he turns into his cage!
144. What kind of dog does Dracula have?
145. What do you call it when Alpacas sing?
146. What is a bear’s favorite drink?
147. Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer a cat-alogue.
148. What did they alpaca say to the blade of grass?
Nice knawing you!
149. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
150. What did the cat on the smart phone say?
Can you hear meow?
151. What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!
152. Road trip? Alpaca my bags.
153. How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
154. Why did the dolphin cross the road?
To get to the other tide.
155. Where do dolphins sleep?
In a water bed.
156. Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes?
She was crazy like a fox.
157. When do you have to dance like a fox?
When you’re doing the fox trot.
158. How do electric eels taste?
159. Why are leopards no good at playing hide and seek?
Because they’re always spotted.
160. Why do crabs never share?
Because they’re shellfish.
161. What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
162. What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
163. Which kinds of snakes are found on cars?
Read more jokes, puns, and one liners here.