Animals are the best. And they are also downright hilarious. The dog simply walking into the room is enough to make my toddler burst into laughter. Pigeons in the park? Also uncontrollable giggles. A mooriffic cow jokes? Udderly hilarious. A roofin’ dog quote, joke, and pun? Pawriffic. So why not share some of these clean, kid-friendly animal jokes with the little animal lover in your life? You know, for when the family pet just isn’t bringing in the lols anymore (that will never happen, but still).
Has your dog ever farted itself awake? Or maybe your cat attacks their shadow sometimes. Animals are adorable, but they also have hilarious moments. (There’s a reason people love cat videos.) Even in Disney films animals steal the show with their antics like Sven the reindeer in Frozen and Heihei the chicken in Moana! And Finding Nemo is just jam-packed with hilarious marine fun. Whether animated or in your backyard, animals have a knack for making kids laugh. So, if you’re a farmer or a person with a puppy, whisper these jokes into your pet’s ear and let us know what they think.
1. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
2. How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper.
3. What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
An udder failure.
4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
5. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They are always stuffed.
6. Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
7. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button.
8. Why do cows go to New York?
To see the moosicals.
9. What do you call lending money to a bison?
A buff-a-loan.
10. What is the snake’s favorite subject?
Hiss-story.
11. What is black, white, and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin.
12. Why does a dog wag its tail?
Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.
13. What is a cat’s favorite movie?
The sound of Mew-sic.
14. Why did the lamb cross the road?
To get to the baaaaarber shop.
15. How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean.
16. Where do you put barking dogs?
In a barking lot.
17. What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for bad driving?
A road hog.
18. What is a cheetah’s favorite food?
Fast food.
19. What do you call a wolf that uses bad language?
A swearwolf.
20. What happened when the wolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
21. What does a duck with hiccups lay?
Scrambled eggs.
22. Why do all ducks fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.
23. What did the duck say to the waiter when the check came?
Put it on my bill, please.
24. Why don’t ducks grow up?
Because they only grow down.
25. What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
Its shadow.
26. How does a dog stop a video?
He presses the paws button.
27. What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
28. What do you get if you cross a duck with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
29. What do you call a cow who plays an instrument?
A moosician.
30. Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
31. Why did the duck cross the road?
To show the chicken how to do it.
32. What do ducks put in their soup?
Quackers.
33. What happens when you cross a wolf with a sheep?
You have to get a new sheep.
34. What was the wolf in the butcher’s shop arrested for?
Chop-lifting.
35. Why did the duck cross the construction site?
To see a person lay a brick.
36. Which side of a duck has more feathers?
The outside.
37. What does a frog eat with his hamburger?
French flies.
38. Why did the hot dog wear a sweater?
Because it was a chili dog.
39. How did the mommy duck break her back?
Her son stepped on a quack.
40.What do you call a sarcastic duck?
A wise quacker.
41. What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
42. What is a dog’s favorite city?
New Yorkie.
43. What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
44. What time is it when a wolf sees your dinner?
Time to get a new dinner.
45. What do you call a wolf who gets lost?
A where-wolf.
46. Why did the duck cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
47. Where do tough ducks come from?
Hard-boiled eggs.
48. How do spiders communicate?
Through the World Wide Web.
49. Why do the French eat snails?
They don’t like fast food.
50. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
51. Why did the leopard refuse to take a bath?
It didn’t want to come out spotless.
52. What is the best way to catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut.
53. If there was a spelling test, which animal would win?
The bee.
54. What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon.
55. What did the waiter say to the dog when he brought out her food?
Bone appetit.
56. What do you call a great dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
58.Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
59. What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
Odor in the court.
61. Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssside!
62. Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools.
63. What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milk dud.
64.How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you.
65. What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.
66. What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
67. Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales.
68. What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
69. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
70. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show everyone he wasn’t chicken.
71. Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny.
72. Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
73. What animals are on legal documents?
Seals.
74. What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A pie-thon.
75. What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
Bison.
76. Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger?
He thought it was a lion.
77. How do bees get to school?
By school buzz.
78. How do you stop a mouse from squealing?
Oil it.
79. Why did the turtle cross the street?
To get to the Shell station.
80. Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
81. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away.
82. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation.
83. What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog?
84.Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
They can’t keep their trunks up.
85. What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three blind mice.
86. How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
87. What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
Stuck.
88. What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
POP.
89. How does a hedgehog play leap-frog?
Very carefully.
90. What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
91. How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
92. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
93. What do you call an angry monkey?
Furious George.
94. What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
95. What is a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.
96. What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
97. What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
98. What is the easiest way to count a herd of cows?
Use a cow-culator.
99. Why did the foal go to the doctor?
Because he was a little horse.
100. What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
It’s jelly-button.
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101. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
102. What do rabbits eat for breakfast?
IHOP.
103. What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice Crispies!
104. What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!
105. What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
An investgator!
106. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
107. What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
Big ones!
108. A pony went to see the doctor because it couldn’t speak.
“I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor. “You’re a little horse!”
109. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost!
110. What kind of ties do pigs wear?
Pig sties!
111. What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite!
112. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish!
113. What’s a frog’s favorite soda?
Croak-a-Cola!
114. Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!
115. What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick!
116. What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
A gi-ant!
117. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
118. Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
119. There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
None, because they were copycats!
120. How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
With flood lighting.
121. What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?
The police had to comb the area.
122. What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
123. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
124. A man walks into a zoo. The only animal was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
125. What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?
Shear madness.
126. What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?
Itenticle.
127. Where did the cat go when it lost its tail?
To the retail store!
128. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
129. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honeycomb!
130. What animal has more lives than a cat?
Frogs, they croak every night!
131. Where do orcas hear music?
Orca-stras!
132. Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
133. What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh!
134. What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth!
135. Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas.
136. What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A watchdog.
137. What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
138. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
139. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
140. Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot!
141. How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod?
With your BEAR hands.
142. What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
143. When is a lion not a lion?
When he turns into his cage!
144. What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!
145. What do you call it when Alpacas sing?
Alpacapella.
146. What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala!
147. Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer a cat-alogue.
148. What did they alpaca say to the blade of grass?
Nice knawing you!
149. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
150. What did the cat on the smartphone say?
Can you hear meow?
151. What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!
152. Road trip?
Alpaca my bags.
153. How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied!
154. Why did the dolphin cross the road?
To get to the other tide.
155. Where do dolphins sleep?
In a water bed.
156. Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk to foxes?
She was crazy like a fox.
157. When do you have to dance like a fox?
When you’re doing the foxtrot.
158. How do electric eels taste?
Shocking.
159. Why are leopards no good at playing hide and seek?
Because they’re always spotted.
160. Why do crabs never share?
Because they’re shellfish.
161. What do you call 100 rabbits walking backward?
A receding hare line.
162. What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
163. Which kinds of snakes are found on cars?
Windshield viper?
