We all know our fair share of dirty jokes. Those aren’t really appropriate for lunch with grandma, the office, or your middle school carpool kids. No, what you need are funny phrases or super clean funny jokes to get the job done. If you need a silly ice breaker to make your friends laugh (or groan), you’ve come to the right place.
1. What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
2. What’s brown and sticky?
3. What has ears but can’t hear?
4. What did the hot dog say after it won the race?
I’m the wiener!
5. How do you turn a soup to gold?
Add 24 carrots.
6. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
7. I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. Thankfully, I turned myself around.
8. What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
9. How does NASA organize a party?
10. What do you call a sleeping bull?
11. Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
12. What kind of tea is the hardest?
13. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
14. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He felt crumb-y.
15. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You think it’s R, but it be the C!
16. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She’ll let it go.
17. What are the world’s smartest animals?
Fish because they stay in schools.
18. What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer?
19. Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
20. My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
21. Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks!
22. I tried writing with a broken pencil.
It was pointless.
23. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
24. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him for me to have it.
25. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
26. What do you get when you pamper a cow?
27. What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation
28. Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
29. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
30. Why are computers so smart?
They listen to their motherboard.
31. What kind of bow can’t be tied?
32. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It’s faster than walking.
33. What sound do kissing porcupines make?
34. Why is Santa such a good gardener?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
35. Why should you never tell secrets in a corn field?
They have too many ears.
36. Why type of dog tells time best?
37. What do you call a fake noodle?
38. Why are pigs bad drivers?
They hog the road.
39. What did the buffalo say when his son left?
40. What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
41. What kind of bear has no teeth?
A gummy bear.
42. Why should you never fart on an elevator?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
43. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
44. And what do you call that alligator if he’s also a thief?
45. How did Noah see on the Ark?
He used flood lights.
46. What do you call a dentist in the Army?
A drill sergeant.
47. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
48. What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?
49. What goes up when rain comes down?
50. What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
51. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because it was already stuffed.
52. Can February March?
No, but April May.
53. What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing. It just waved.
54. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
55. Why did the bee go to the doctor?
Because she had hives.
56. Did you hear about the new restaurant, Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
57. What do you call a monkey when you take his bananas?
58. When does a joke become a “dad joke?”
When the punchline is a parent.
59. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen?
They might peel.
60. What’s black and white and red all over?
A Zebra with a sunburn.
61. What else is black and white and red all over?
A skunk with a rash.
62. Finally, what’s black and white and used to be red all over?
A newspaper (Womp! Womp!)
63. Did you hear about the hairdresser?
64. What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator.
65. What kind of key opens a banana?
66. Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I’ll never be able to repay you.
67. What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
68. Why did the orange lose the race?
It ran out of juice.
69. How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
70. Why do chicken coups have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
71. Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat.
72. What test must all witches pass?
A spell-ing test!
73. What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!
74. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
75. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
76. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
77. What kind of dogs like NASCAR?
78. What does a pirate do on the weekend?
79. Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
80. Wanna hear a knock knock joke?
Great! You start!
81. Which building is the largest?
The library because it has the most stories.
82. What are ninja farts so dangerous?
They’re silent but deadly.
83. What kind of car does Yoda drive?
84. What does Santa bring when he goes fishing?
His North Pole.
85. If you call your bathroom “The Jim” instead of “The John,” your morning routine sounds much better.
86. What kind of water cannot freeze?
Hot water. Duh!
87. What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
88. Knock, knock!
89. What’s a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
90. What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
91. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
92. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
93. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
94. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver today.
Turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
95. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
96. Knock, knock!
Interrupting cow wh-
97. What does it mean when life gives you melons?
You’re probably dyslexic.
98. Where do eggplants come from?
99. What has one head, one foot and four legs?
100. Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze!
101. Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re dead.
102. What did the horse say when it fell down?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
103. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
They say he had too many strokes.
104. What’s the best day for going to the beach?
105. If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
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