We all know our fair share of dirty jokes. But, c’mon, those aren’t really appropriate for lunch with Grandma, the office, or your middle school carpool kids. No, what you need are super clean jokes safe enough to share anywhere and everywhere — especially around little ears. As a parent, you know that the best jokes are the ones you can share with your kids. Really, is there anything better than the sound of your kid’s laughter? But between the internet and television, it’s hard to find clean content for children. Good news: We found a ton of jokes funny enough to make you both laugh. So, if you need a silly ice breaker or some funny phrases to make everyone from your offspring to your friends laugh (or groan), you’ve come to the right place.
After all, if your kids are at the point where they’re literally repeating everything you say, you’re probably well aware that it’s probably time to leave the crude jokes in the past (at least when the little ones are in earshot). These jokes are squeaky clean, so they won’t get kiddos sent to the principal’s office. And if you need more kid-friendly jokes, Disney movies are a great resource, along with other favorite family shows like Winnie the Pooh, and Sesame Street. We also recommend checking out our flower puns, space jokes, frog jokes, and smart jokes while you’re at it. Heck, you might even want to break out a dad joke or two when the time is right. For now, though, keep reading to find jokes clean enough to tell pretty much wherever you go.
1. What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
2. What’s brown and sticky?
3. What has ears but can’t hear?
4. What did the hot dog say after it won the race?
“I’m the wiener!”
5. How do you turn a soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots.
6. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
7. I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey.
Thankfully, I turned myself around.
8. What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
9. How does NASA organize a party?
10. What do you call a sleeping bull?
12. What kind of tea is the hardest?
13. Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
14. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He felt crumb-y.
15. What’s a pirate‘s favorite letter?
You think it’s R, but it be the C!
16. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She’ll let it go.
17. What are the world’s smartest animals?
Fish, because they stay in schools.
18. What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer?
19. Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
20. Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
21. Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks!
22. I tried writing with a broken pencil.
It was pointless.
23. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
24. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
25. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
26. What do you get when you pamper a cow?
27. What’s brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
28. Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one.
29. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
30. Why are computers so smart?
They listen to their motherboard.
31. What kind of bow can’t be tied?
32. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It’s faster than walking.
33. What sound do kissing porcupines make?
34. Why is Santa such a good gardener?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
35. Why should you never tell secrets in a cornfield?
They have too many ears.
36. What type of dog tells time best?
37. What do you call a fake noodle?
38. Why are pigs bad drivers?
They hog the road.
39. What did the buffalo say when his son left?
40. What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
41. What kind of bear has no teeth?
A gummy bear.
42. Why should you never poot on an elevator?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
43. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
44. And what do you call that alligator if he’s also a thief?
45. How did Noah see on the ark?
He used floodlights.
46. What do you call a dentist in the Army?
A drill sergeant.
47. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
48. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
49. What goes up when the rain comes down?
50. What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
51. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because it was already stuffed.
52. Can February March?
No, but April May.
53. What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing. It just waved.
54. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
55. Why did the bee go to the doctor?
Because she had hives.
56. Did you hear about the new restaurant, Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
57. What do you call a monkey when you take his bananas?
58. When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When the punchline is a parent.
59. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen?
They might peel.
60. What’s black, white, and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn.
61. What else is black and white and red all over?
A skunk with a rash.
62. Finally, what’s black and white and used to be red all over?
A newspaper (Womp! Womp!)
63. Did you hear about the hairdresser?
64. What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator.
65. What kind of key opens a banana?
66. Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I’ll never be able to repay you.
67. What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
68. Why did the orange lose the race?
It ran out of juice.
69. How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea-saw.
70. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
71. Why do scuba divers fall backward off the boat?
If they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat.
72. What test must all witches pass?
A spell-ing test!
73. What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
“I’m stuck on you!”
74. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
75. What did the man say to the wall?
“One more crack like that, and I’ll plaster ya!”
76. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
77. What kind of dogs like NASCAR?
78. What does a pirate do on the weekend?
79. Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
80. Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?
Great! You start!
81. Which building is the largest?
The library — it has the most stories.
82. What are ninja poots so dangerous?
They’re silent but deadly.
83. What kind of car does Yoda drive?
84. What does Santa bring when he goes fishing?
His North Pole.
85. If you call your bathroom “The Jim” instead of “The John,” your morning routine sounds much better.
86. What kind of water cannot freeze?
Hot water. Duh!
87. What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
88. Knock, knock!
89. What’s a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
90. What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
91. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
92. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
93. Which bird has the worst manners?
The mocking bird.
94. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
95. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
96. Knock, knock!
Interrupting cow wh-
97. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
98. Where do eggplants come from?
99. What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
100. Why do sharks only swim in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze!
101. Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re extinct.
102. What did the horse say when it fell down?
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
103. What do you call a giant pile of kittens?
104. What’s the best day for going to the beach?
105. If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
106. What do dentists call their X-rays?
107. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.