30 Black-ish Quotes That'll Make You Wish You Were In The Johnson Fam

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Blackish Quotes
Disney-ABC Domestic Television

If you’re going to sleep on a hit TV show, don’t let it be Blackish. It deserves all of the hype it gets. Not your average network comedy, Kenya Barris’ series redefines modern comedy by making race part of the show’s identity. The Johnsons — Andre (“Dre”), Rainbow (“Bow”), Andre (“Junior”), Jack, Diane — are Black, and it isn’t treated as an incidental detail in the show’s storyline. It’s not their Blackness the Johnsons struggle with, but how their cultural identity fits into the predominantly white, upper-middle-class neighborhood where the family lives. And that makes for some seriously memorable Blackish quotes, ranging from thought-provoking to laugh-out-loud funny. Race, family dynamics, class, warmth… it’s one of the smartest and most nuanced shows on television.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the cast includes such brilliant stars as Anthony Anderson, Tracee Ellis Ross (Girlfriends fans, you’ve gotta watch this!), Jennifer Lewis, and Laurence Fishburne. And don’t even get us started on the wildly talented young cast members like Marsai Martin and Yara Shahidi. All of that to say, we could wax poetic about Blackish for days, y’all. But instead of doing that, we’re just going to drop some of the best Blackish quotes that’ll make you want to watch — or start re-watching — the show ASAP.

Best Blackish Quotes

  1. Jack: “So, you’re mad at me for calling the cops?”

Dre: “Look, I should have made it clear to you that we are not just homeowners. We are Black homeowners, and because we are Black homeowners, we have to look at things through kind of a dual lens. We need to think about every situation and how it should go normally and how it could go because we are Black.” Jack: “Like being asked to sit on the curb while they checked your ID. They didn’t ask any of the white people to do that.” Pops: “It is different for us, baby boy.”

  1. “You better share the glory lady, or I will burn down your house of lies, or should I say, casa of lies?” — Rainbow
  2. Bow: “Diane has been trying to get in touch with you.”

Zoey: “Oh, I was going to call her back.” Bow: “Do you understand what happened tonight? Wyatt canceled. He canceled ice cream with Diane.” Zoey: “OK. It is not that big of a deal. I figured she had it handled.” Bow: “She chose you to be there for her, and you promised that you would be.” Zoey: “You’re just coming down on me because she wants my help and not yours.” Bow: “OK, I get that you are in college now, Zoey. You can stop by the house to pick up your clothes and drop your little smart-ass comments whenever you want. Fine! But you cannot fly in and out of your sister’s life. Do you hear me? She is 13 years old, and that was her first date. Zoey, you have a responsibility to be there for her and to treat her better than some skirt that you just left behind.”

  1. “It’s a miracle! Jesus turned the turkey to ham!” — Diane
  2. Dre: “I’m giving you the gift of hunger.”

Junior: “Does it come with a receipt? Because I’d like to return it.”

  1. Jack: “What are you doing?”

Dre: “Can you believe how far this Airbnb lady parked her car in the street? It has got to be over three feet from the curb. Hey, you want to help me measure it before I call it into the police?” Jack: “Woah, I thought Johnsons don’t snitch?” Dre: “Don’t be ignorant. It is not snitching when you are a homeowner.” Jack: “Oh, OK cool.”

  1. Janine: “The Kellys really screwed us when they decided to rent out their house. I mean, these people leave pizza boxes on the lawn, and they park in front of my driveway. Last weekend there was a party, I found human poo in my garden.”

Dre: “It could have been an animal.” Janine: (laughing) “Oh Dre! I think I know the difference.” Dre: “I can’t believe I am agreeing with you, but this does need to be handled.” Janine: “That is why I am talking to all the neighbors, and we are going to call the police.” Dre: “Nope. Good luck with your white people fight. Keep my name out of it.”

  1. Dre: “What if he never goes back, Bow? I don’t know where I would have been without college. When I was a kid walking through my neighborhood, the only jobs I thought you could have were a postman, a barber, or a bus driver. All of them are good, but college taught me the world was bigger than my block.”

Pops: “He knows that, dummy! Look, the boy grew up different from how you did. Just like you grew up different from how I did, and now he is traveling down a road you ain’t never been on before. You ought to be glad Junior has the opportunity to do it his way.” Bow: “My brother and sister did it their way, and they are still spinning. I don’t want that for Junior. You guys, he is a scared kid, and I am just trying to protect him from making a bad decision.” Pops: “Here’s what I know. Your scared kid was brave enough to sit with you and be honest about feeling a little bit lost. And Dre, he stood up to you just now when you tried to bully him. I think that the strong, honest young man you both raised has earned a little bit of trust.” Bow: “Are you saying you agree with the gap year?” Pops: “Hell, no, that is still some white shit, but you owe it to him to see this through.”

  1. Dre: “What do you mean there is no plan?”

Bow: “Junior has no plan.” Dre: “I will tell you what the plan is. He is taking his ass back to college!” Bow: “Damn Skippy, he is! How do you think this looks? I am Dr. Rainbow Johnson.” Dre: “Yes, you are!” Bow: “I went to Brown University. I went to USC Medical School. People know my name. I have a reputation to uphold. My kids go to college!” Dre: “Yeah, they do! Wait a minute, even Jack?”

  1. Bow: “What are you doing home?”

Dre: “How the hell did you get home?” Junior: “I used the emergency credit card to book a flight.” Bow: “What is the emergency?” Junior: “I wasn’t really feeling college right now.” Bow: “What the…?” Zoey: “Not to brag, but I predicted this on Twitter three days ago. I’m a prophet.”

  1. Bow: “But if you were to have a heart attack, he would give a great speech and I would keep you alive. I just don’t understand why we’re called the same thing.”

Dre: “Wow, I really don’t like this side of you, so I’m tapping out.” Bow: “Well go ahead and tap out, but if you slip and fall, I’ll just have to find you a PhD to help you.”

  1. Dre: “Charlie, are you wearing dress slacks?”

Charlie: “Don’t worry about it; I’m going to tuck them into my socks. Oh man, I forgot socks. Sometimes when I’m talking to the Lord, I lose track of things.”

  1. Dre: “I was beginning to think I’d never see you again. I almost forgot what your face looked like.”

Bow: “It’s been twelve minutes.”

  1. “We better hurry before Pops comes back. You know he could be grabbing a tire iron or grabbing a ham, I never know.” — Dre
  2. Pops: “It’s not a mess son, it’s a dance; it’s a beautiful dance. Honestly, when things are good with me and your momma, I never feel more alive.”

Dre: “Until she tries to kill you.” Pops: “Well then I feel lucky to be alive. I told you, it’s a dance.”

  1. Ruby: “Nothing was ever proven.”

Pops: “Yeah son, sometimes boats just blow up.” Dre: “Sometimes it happens twice.”

  1. Bow: “You better share the glory lady or I will burn down your house of lies, or should I say, casa of lies?”

Ruby: “I didn’t do it all, your mama washed the lettuce!”

  1. Bow: “Now when I was a little girl my mom used to dress me and my sisters up as the three wise women and we would sing ‘Oh Little Town of Bethlehem.'”

Diane: “Why, was she a drinker?”

  1. “Are you crazy? You can’t let them ride down the stairs like that. They need helmets.” — Zoey
  2. “Baby, it’s not what it looks like. I just ate too many biscuits. It was an over-the-cover biscuit nap!” — Dre
  3. Jack: “Hey, how come she only visits when Grandpa Pops is in Bermuda?”

Zoey: “Oh, it’s a special game that divorced people play called give me your Lincoln and get out.”

  1. Dre: “I found a way to save Halloween.”

Bow: “Oh, that’s great. I found a way to save a guy that was at the bottom of a pool for twenty minutes, but you go.”

  1. “The family that pranks together stays together.” — Dre
  2. “I told you to spank him, not crush his spirit!” — Pops
  3. “Who would put a spatula with a can opener? That’s a lunatic! You’re a lunatic! Mommies need to be with their babies, Dre!” — Bow
  4. Bow: “You know what I realized last night?”

Dre: “That you can drink half a bottle of wine in the tub and get out without help?”

  1. “I listened to her, gave her some generic advice in a deep, soothing voice. I Morgan Freeman’ed her.” — Pops
  2. “Wait, did they just put me in charge of the Black stuff?” — Dre
  3. “Not even about the color of my tears? They were red!” — Junior
  4. “Well, I mean, I’m 13 now. That means I’m out of the whupping window.” — Junior

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