20+ Dirty Tongue-In-Cheek Puns That Are Deliciously Inappropriate

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Banana on pink background
Photo by Mike Dorner on Unsplash

Contrary to what many people think, you don’t lose your dirty sense of humor as soon as you become a mom. Find dick jokes funny? Giggle at a solid double entendre? You’re not alone, and these 23 dirty puns are exactly what you came for. So if you’re looking for top-notch funnies, you’ve hit the mother lode. These puns are the definition of NSFW, but they are so safe for brunch with the girls or in bed with your partner (after the kids have fallen asleep, of course).

Some of us have been telling and hearing dirty puns since we were youngsters. It didn’t matter we knew nothing about how sex even worked; they were forbidden and thus hilarious. And now that you’re a mom, no one can stop you from enjoying lewd innuendos and naughty one-liners! Well… no one except your kids. So, just make sure they’re not within earshot to avoid embarrassing parent-teacher conferences.

  1. Yes, I have my period, and no, I’m not ovary acting.
  2. Having sex in elevators is amazing on so many levels.
  3. Ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intense (in-tents).
  4. Lick me ’till ice cream.
  5. What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.
  6. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow balls.
  7. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  8. I’m trying to finish writing a script for an adult film, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
  9. Constipation is such a pain in the ass.
  10. Diarrhea is hereditary — it runs in your jeans.
  11. What does a horny toad say? Rubbit.
  12. What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
  13. My friend met a male porn actor the other day. She told me he was really cocky.
  14. My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
  15. A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
  16. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.
  17. Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered. Then I’ll nail you.
  18. Santa’s sack is so big because he only comes once a year.
  19. Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.
  20. I got mad at my bae for pulling out. I told him it was a dick move.
  21. Dr. Pepper comes in a bottle because his wife died.
  22. That submarine is long, hard and full of seamen.
  23. It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

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