Laughs For Days

These Are The Only Chuck Norris Jokes Chuck Norris Has Allowed To Exist

When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

by Maia Efrem
Originally Published: 
chuck norris jokes and facts
Archive Photos / Stringer/ Getty Images

Before Chuck Norris became a meme, he was the Texas Walker Ranger. He was a good-hearted Texas-made sheriff who got rid of all the wayward trash and bad guys in town. He was and is the OG tough guy and if you’ve never seen him kick someone in their face, you should definitely check out some videos. There’s a reason there are so many jokes about him and his swift kick-ass moves are one of them. So if you’re looking for some hilarious Chuck Norris content, you’ve come to the right place.

If you’re a child of the internet, you know that there are only two uses for the world wide web: Chuck Norris jokes and… nope, that’s it! With exaggerated feats of strength and machismo, Chuck Norris facts come together to form the most absurd collection of achievements that are bound to leave you in tears. Do you know who else will leave you in tears? Chuck Norris. Ahead are some of the funniest Chuck Norris jokes to laugh your heart out to.

Looking for more humor about things that kick? We have donkey jokes, horse jokes, kangaroo jokes, and more jokes for kids.

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the sh*t out of it.

2. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

3. When Chuck Norris slices onions, the onions cry.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.

5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

7. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

9. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.

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10. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

11. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

12. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

13. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

14. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A-plus for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

15. When God said, “Let there be LIGHT!” Chuck Norris said, “Say, please.”

16. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

17. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

18. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

19. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

20. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

21. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

22. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

23. When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

24. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

25. Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

26. Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.

27. The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots every year.

28. The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.

29. Chuck Norris doesn’t fill out online forms because he doesn’t submit.

30. Chuck Norris starred in Star Wars. He was the force.

31. Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.

32. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

33. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

34. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

35. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

36. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

37. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

38. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

39. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

40. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s beef.

41. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

42. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

43. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

44. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

45. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

46. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

48. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

49. MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

50. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

51. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

52. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

53. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.

54. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

55. The Great Wall of China was created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

56. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

57. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

58. Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

59. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

60. Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

61. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

62. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

63. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person who could fly.

64. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

65. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

66. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following too close behind him. It now stands back a safe 30 feet.

67. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

68. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

69. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

70. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

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