From The Confessional: Everyone Farts, Even Mom

From The Confessional: Funny, Mortifying, Infuriating — We Have Big Feelings About Farts

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Everybody poops and everybody farts, so why are people so embarrassed about it? The passing of gas is actually quite normal, a sign you probably ate some dee-licious cheese dip and should have zero regrets, and most of the time, an occasional toot-a-root shouldn’t be a source of massive mortification. Unless, of course, you’re like at a wedding and the couple is saying their vows, for example. Not the moment to rip one. Or your child is in virtual school and the teacher is live, giving a lesson on pronouns. “SHE” just farted and it smells, your child will then say, pointing to you, using said pronoun in a proper sentence, and you wonder if you can ever attend another parent-teacher conference because you’ve died of embarrassment. (If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience, that’s because I am.)

Or, there’s the embarrassing “fart during sex” moment that truly tests your relationship. The good news is, however, that once you’ve cleared that hurdle, you’re probably in it for the long haul.

Because the truth is, our digestive systems can be tricky and sometimes we don’t even know one is a-brewing until it’s too late and you’ve cleared the room on Thanksgiving. So we should be kind to one another and forgive our loved ones for the passing of noxious gases, as we hope they’d forgive us. Unless, however, your partner has taken it too far and now does it all day long, on purpose, without even the slightest consideration of giving you a 5-second warning or lighting a damn candle. Sometimes farts can reach a new level of gross, and then you really start questioning your life choices.

Here are some confessions from moms who fart (and also moms who are about to get divorced because of someone else’s farts.)

Confessional #25759112

“DS told my in-laws that I fart a lot. He said, "Mommy toots the most in the family. She toots all the time when Daddy is at work. Yesterday she tooted so loud it scared [our dog]". Ok I think he was exaggerating about the dog part, but I am MORTIFIED!!”

Confessional #25798465

“I farted. Yes, everyone does. But... during a LIVE when my child was with the entire class!! “MOM! That smells”!! Send help now.”

Confessional #25783472

“During a work phone meeting yesterday, I ripped a very loud fart before I realized my microphone wasn't on mute. I blamed it on DS16, even though he wasn't even home at the time.”

We’ve all got at least one truly embarrassing fart story, right? RIGHT?

Confessional #25780394

“Woke up feeling relaxed.. trusted a fart.. I crapped myself.. ugh... It is 2020 after all...”

Confessional #25783933

“I just had a fart so violent it scared the rabbit.”

Confessional #25757920

“Ever since my son was born 18 months ago, ALL of my farts have rolled forward, right into my vajiblets!! I have to wiggle to get them out. Ugh!!!”

Sometimes letting one out can be a total body experience.

Confessional #25833073

“I think my own farts usually smell pretty good.”

Confessional #25827687

“My morning farts feel soooooo good.”

Confessional #25801548

“I miss my husband when he travels for work, but when he's gone, I love using the bathroom with the door open and farting freely.”

The truth is, letting all that gaseous pressure out feels good. And if you dig your own stench, we won’t judge.

Confessional #25831285

“I get stress farts.”

Confessional #25770429

“Chickpeas are giving me non-stop farts that smell like burning garbage.”

Confessional #25772311

“The cornbeef dinner has me farting up a storm, it's the laughter I need right now as I'm woken up in pure anxiety over the situation at hand. 30% the virus , 70% people. People are buying all the ammo and everywhere is sold out of guns.”

Confessional #25770775

“Is it a menopause thing? No matter what I eat I fart all day ...”

“What’s making me fart?” is always a fun game to play. Stress? Menopause? Lasagna? Who knows.

Confessional #25780982

“DH has advanced degrees, plays 3 instrument, speaks 4 languages, is very well respected in his field, has a body like a Greek statue, and heads up a division with a $100 million budget at his company. He also farts loudly at home and thinks it's hilarious”

Confessional #25770280

“DH and I have been farting a lot, and accusing the other to have the more offensive and disgusting farts. To let you know how far out of hand this has gotten, DH suggested we let DS16 be the judge - I actually had to think before deciding it's a bad idea”

Confessional #25769623

“In our marriage, DW is the one who thinks farts are hilarious. When I get into bed with her, she laughs like a hyena when I pull back the covers and release the foul stench she had trapped there waiting for me.”

Confessional #25766691

“I read about study findings that having a DH who farts is beneficial to a woman’s health because the H2S that makes it stink also reduces her chances of cancer, heart attack, stroke, and dementia. Looked at DW and said “See - I'm doing it for you””

Being able to fart in front of each other and laugh about it is a sign of a healthy relationship! Everybody farts, so don’t feel embarrassed or try to hold those suckers in. No one wants that. If you love each other, you’ll still love each other, even if the room smells like rotten eggs.

Confessional #25830253

“H farts constantly. Any space he is in (room, car, etc) gets filled with his farts and it’s impossible to breathe. I am literally suffocating in this marriage.”

Confessional #25808002

“Familiarity really does breed contempt. How are you supposed to still desire the guy who farts and belches and never flosses his teeth and pees all over the toilet? Living with my husband is the biggest turnoff.”

Confessional #25805687

“I can hear my husband’s farts and we are on different levels of the house. Chances of sex tonight: zero.”

Confessional #25768710

“H will let out a huge, loud fart then make a groan and say, “oh God” like he’s orgasming. He’s not doing it to be funny or anything, just does it. How does he expect me to want to have sex with him?!”

Unless the occasional toot turns into a 24-hour fume-fest that kills the plants. Now you’re just gross and not even trying to be considerate of the other people in your house. (Or the plants.) And FYI, don’t come knocking on the sex door 10 minutes after letting one rip, mkay? I mean, if the dog gets up and leaves, you can’t exactly expect us to be in the mood.

So listen, if you’re caught in a mortifying release of gas that you didn’t expect—like when you’re saying goodbye to Great-Aunt Martha at her funeral… we’ve all been there. Aunt Martha was there once too, accidentally farting at her great-aunt’s funeral, decades ago. She forgives you. It’s all good.