100+ Pregnancy Jokes That Will Get Your Baby Kicking – Scary Mommy

100+ Funny Pregnancy Jokes That Will Get Your Baby Kicking

October 10, 2019 Updated September 14, 2020

pregnant jokes
Kohei Hara/ Getty Images

Between the morning sickness and the swollen feet, pregnancy isn’t typically a laughing matter. It can be painful and frustrating at times, but it can also be pretty funny. Have you ever bent over to put on shoes in your third trimester and let out a fart? Have you ever sneezed and peed at the same time? Have you ever thrown your bae out the bed to make more room for your pregnancy pillow? Yeah, gestating can have its lighter moments. Which is why we rounded up these hilarious pregnancy jokes and quotes that will even get the baby kicking and laughing.  P.S. You don’t have to be knocked up to enjoy these LOLs.

  1. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    With any luck, right after he finishes college.
  2. Do I have to have a baby shower?
    Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
  3. Woman: Should I have a baby after 35?
    OB/GYN: No, 35 children is enough.
  4. What do you give a new mom so she’s ready for anything?
    A diaper bag of tricks.
  5. The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?
    The swallow.
  6. I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.
    I got tired of labor manuals.
  7. “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
    “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
    “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
    “Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
  8. What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?
    A good delivery.
  9. What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?
    Having a midwife crisis
  10. What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
    They both require chickpea.
  11. What’s the alternative name for the pregnancy test?
    Maybe baby.
  12. Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary? Chances are that if your parents didn’t get pregnant, you won’t either.
  13. Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?
    Because its period came too late.
  14. You don’t have to study for a pregnancy test…
    but I have heard there’s a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.
  15. What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
    Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
  16. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen knocked up?
    He forgot to wrap his whopper!
  17. What part of biology class do pregnant women fear?
    The sea section.
  18. What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common?
    You should’ve taken it out earlier.
  19. How many days are there in a month?
    Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.
  20. Are you having a natural childbirth?
    Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!
  21. How is being pregnant is like being a kid again?
    There’s always someone telling you what to do.
  22. What’s the weirdest stage of pregnancy?
    When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership.
  23. I’m pregnant. I asked my husband to put the Oreos where I couldn’t reach them. He put them on the floor.
  24. Now they’ve invented a curved pregnancy test so you don’t pee on your hand. Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom.
  25. During labor the pain is so great that woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.
  26. Pregnancy: a 9 month long hostage situation where you are both the hostage, and the building.
  27. Don’t fear childbirth. That’s the easy part: they give you drugs to get you through motherhood.
  28. What size pants do you wear?
    Leggings.
  29. What’s better than eating for two while pregnant?
    Shopping for two.
  30. What does a pregnant woman say after she apologizes for her random emotional outbursts?
    Up yours and I hate you.
  31. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
    For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
  32. What hurts even more then childbirth?
    Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus” 20,000 times a day.
  33. How is being pregnant is like being a child again?
    There’s always someone telling you what to do.
  34. What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
    Nothing, if the pregnant woman’’s husband knows what’s good for him.
  35. How long is the average woman in labor?
    Whatever she says, divided by two.
  36. Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor?
    Only if the word “alimony” means anything to him.
  37. How is a pregnant woman like a toddler?
    She outgrows her clothes every week!
  38. How does being pregnant make you feel?
    Like a superhero… Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.
  39. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
  40. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
    Childbirth.
  41. What makes watching a Quentin Tarantino movie look like a Disney flick?
    Seeing that video in childbirth class one more time.
  42. What are the terrible twos?
    Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
  43. How many days are there in a month?
    Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 742.
  44. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
    Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
  45. People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less
    traumatic for the baby because it’s in water.
    But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
  46. How does one sanitize nipples?
    Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
  47. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
    It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
  48. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
    No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
  49. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    Yes, your bladder.

    pregnancy jokes
    Peathegee Inc/ Getty Images
  50. How long is the average woman in labor?
    Whatever she says, divided by two.
  51. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
  52. If the baby can hear everything inside the belly then I am pretty sure his first word is going to be f**k. (Mommie Poppins)
  53. To pee or not to pee is never the question. Pee. (Mommie Poppins)
  54. Telling the world you’re pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex. (Mommie Poppins)
  55. Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. (Mommie Poppins)
  56. For the 9 months I’m pregnant with a boy, shouldn’t I be paid 1.78 x my salary? (Mommie Poppins)
  57. When people congratulate me, I like to say “For what?” and watch them freak out. (Mommie Poppins)
  58. The first sonogram pic is like a tourist pic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
    Everyone has one and it looks the same. (Mommie Poppins)
  59. “I’m itchy everywhere, my ankles are fat and there’s something hanging out of my butt.” For Keeps (1988)
  60. “You better pay for that pee-stick when you’re done with it. Don’t think it’s yours just because you marked it with your urine!” Juno (2007)
  61. “You don’t look so hot.”
    “Why don’t you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look?” – Look Who’s Talking (1989)
  62. “I want drugs, massive amounts of drugs. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs.” Waitress (2007)
  63. “How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? The kid’s gonna sound like a law firm.” Father of the Bride II (1995)
  64. “Are you the lady who doesn’t realize she’s pregnant until she’s sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?” Knocked Up (2007).
  65. “Are you sure?”
    “I’m ten days late.”
    “And there’s no way you could have had it and just not noticed?” Nine Months (1995)
  66. “Can I just spray a little PAM down there right before the baby comes out?” Baby Mama (2008)
  67. Growing a baby makes me feel like a superhero. A really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all day and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.
  68. If heartburn during pregnancy means you’ll have a hairy baby, then I’m about to give birth to Chewbacca.
  69. Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today. Are you growing a human? I didn’t think so. Now shut the hell up.
  70. Waiting for this baby to be born is like picking up someone from the airport but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.
  71. Pregnancy is nine months of cheat days.
  72. You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
  73. I know my baby is going to be an over achiever. I reached my healthy weight gain limit in the first trimester.
  74. I am pregnant which means I am sober, swollen and hungry. Approach with caution.
  75. Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat.
  76. Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale on your cheat day.
  77. “Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife.” -Queen Victoria
  78. “There’s a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? I mean, there isn’t an option to kind of keep it in, is there? So I’m assuming my plan is to get it out. But apparently, there’s more to the plan than that. I don’t know what that is.” -Keira Knightley
  79. “Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body–meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit.” -Amy Adams
  80. “In the pregnancy process I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.” ― Al Roker
  81. “Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant’. You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” -Mila Kunis
  82. “Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” – Carrie Fisher
  83. My mother groaned, my father wept, into the dangerous world I leapt.” – William Blake
  84. “People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” – Jessica Simpson
  85. “That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you don’t know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while it’s just the horizon – and then one day birds wheel over that dark shape and it’s suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that you’ve had the right shots.” – Emily Perkins
  86. Of course I can do this. I’m pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn’t change my personality.” ― Christine Feehan
  87. “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” – Jessica Simpson
  88. “Baby brain is real. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment including iPhones.” – Olivia Wilde
  89. “I had this thing for Entenmann’s chocolate donuts. Somewhere during my pregnancy I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, ‘You know what it might be? Are you drinking a lot of juice?’ I was like, ‘Yeah. That must be it.’ I was eating like a box a day of Entenmann’s donuts.” – Tina Fey
  90. “Being pregnant is kind of like a sedative… everything’s just chill.” – Jessica Alba
  91. “My doctor the other day was like, ‘I think maybe pull back a little bit.’ I was like, ‘Really? I thought I was doing great. I still fit into those jeans—I mean, they hurt when I wear them, but I’m still in them!’” – Drew Barrymore
  92. “I never stopped burping. And I felt terrible about it, but there was just nothing I could do—I would be in the middle of saying something and I’d just start burping. It was awful. I felt like a frat boy.” – Katherine Heigl
  93. “Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
  94.  “There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.” – Chinese Proverb
  95. “If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.” -Nora Ephron
  96. “Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.” ― Mark Twain
  97. “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” ― Joyce Armor
  98. “God, my brain really goes to mush when I’m pregnant.” -Kate Winslet
  99. “Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant” – Jim Cole
  100. “I can smell electricity. I swear to God I can smell the TV.” – Amanda Seyfried
  101. “Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” Rita Rudner
  102. Yes I’m pregnant, but if you remind me one more time of how huge I’ve gotten…I’m going to eat you.
  103. Honey, I’m pregnant! Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad!