Remember all the naive and enthusiastic jokes we made about having that 2020 vision as 2019 rolled into the new decade? How ignorant and clueless we were! This past year has been long, tragic, painful, and felt like it would never end. Except now it is! We are on the precipice of a brand new year, but so help us Kris Jenner, we are not going into it with that “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” attitude. No! We are meeting 2021 wiser, hardened, and with enough sarcasm to weather whatever shitstorm this new year has waiting for us. And that kind of mindset means we have had to adjust our New Year’s resolutions a bit. A little less “new year, new me” and more “you have to earn my respect, 2021!”
To soothe your soul and put a little smile on your face, we have gone ahead and listed some funny New Year’s resolutions that are more fitting for the roaring twenties we’re actually experiencing versus what we thought we would. Hope they inspire you to write your own hilarious resolutions that you definitely don’t have to keep beyond New Year’s Eve.
1. Stop doom scrolling on Twitter.
2. Live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
3. Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone-deafness of Kanye West.
4. Go vegan for six months and inevitably give up.
5. Sign up for a marathon that I bravely will not actually run.
6. Unfollow all the Kardashians but kontinue to keep up.
7. Remember to make overnight oats the night before even though I know I won’t want to eat them in the morning.
8. Go on a vitamin and supplement shopping spree and finish at least one bottle before I give up.
9. Buy all leftover 2020 calendars and burn them.
10. Go outside. Among people.
11. Relearn social cues after a year at home.
12. Stop lying to myself about following New Year’s resolutions.
13. Go viral on TikTok.
14. Make a viral reel making fun of TikTok.
15. Turn all my high heel shoes into flats.
16. Refuse to acknowledge the entirety of 2020 during social gatherings.
17. Tattoo “New Year, New Me (JK)” on my arm.
18. Never take HomeGoods trips for granted ever again.
19. Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
20. Take more days off and burn Slack off my phone when I do.
21. Become the GOAT at sarcasm.
22. Follow Gina Linetti’s advice and turn my tweets into a book.
23. Stop buying up all the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s as soon as they restock. Leave some for the other shoppers.
24. Share my New Year’s Eve champagne.
25. Stop making resolutions.