55+ 'The Good Place' Quotes So Forking Funny, They Make Heaven A Place On Earth

by Laura Grainger
Originally Published: 
the good place quotes

The Good Place just recently wrapped up its final season. While we’re now crying because it’s over, the show once had us crying with laughter at its hilarious one-liners and alt-curses (holy shirt, were there a lot of those). In order to console ourselves, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite quotes from the much-loved comedy. Featuring words of not-exactly-wisdom from Eleanor, Tahani, Chidi, Michael, Janet, and Jason, this list offers some much-needed comfort to distraught fans.

So if you’re as devastated as us that it’s finito, check out these Good Place quotes and turn that frown upside-down. Let’s not be sad it’s over, but grateful that its quotes will live on forever!


“Pobody’s nerfect.”

“I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

“I mean, I wasn’t freaking Ghandi!”

“I was a mediocre person. I should get to spend eternity in a mediocre place. Like Cincinnati!”

“Ya basic!”

“Do you have a second to eat my farts?”

“Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it’s only kind of working.”

“You know I’m trying to say ash-hole instead of ash-hole, right?”

“When I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it Chip-o-tottle?”

“When I told a boyfriend something was ‘no big deal,’ it meant anything from ‘I just bought weed from your nephew,’ to ‘I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I’m her bridesmaid.'”

“A hot, rich fraud with legs for days. Side note: I might legit be into Tahani. But that’s for another time.”

“It’s suddenly very important that I get drunk.”

“You and Jason. Imagine that. To be fair, I did.”

“Well fork you, too.”

“I am a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.”

“‘You’re not better than me’ was my yearbook quote.”

“It’s like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?”

“Holy mother-forking shirtballs.”



“I always have to have my sashes custom made due to my height and bottom size.”

“I haven’t been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend Kanye, who was defending my best friend Beyoncé.”

“Jason, you seem thoughtful. And that concerns me.”

“I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.”

“I haven’t encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun.”

“It’s not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.”

“I’m British, I never cry!”

Eleanor: “What’s wrong with ombre highlights?”

Tahani: “Eleanor, please. This week has been hard enough.”

“You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.”

“I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much.”

“I just want to sit and stare at nothing, and silently scream for the rest of time.”

“Hashtag Tahani Time.”


“My soulmate will be…books.”

“How are you this close to being dragged to hell and still horny?”

Michael: “How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?”

Chidi: “It’s frowned upon.”

“I am absolutely paralyzed by decision-making.”

“Once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation.”

“I’m going to…start crying.”

“I am pretty good at turning every place I go into my personal hell.”

“You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That’s the sound that my brain makes all the time.”


“Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It’s not for that.”

“Birth is a curse and existence is a prison.”

“What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That’s okay, right?”

“Serious question: should we kill them?”

“Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One.”

Michael: “You’re mad at me.”

Eleanor: “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Michael: “Oh, come on! Everyone knows that’s worse.”

“You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion!”

“It’s a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow. Or like someone on the internet saying, ‘You know what? You’ve convinced me I was wrong.'”

(Holding a plush Minion) “I won this ugly yellow toddler, which is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”



“I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it’s genocide and leggings as pants.”

“Jason is a person who was near me…and then he asked me to marry him. And there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening.”

Janet: “Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should ‘go get it, girl.’ So I’m going to go get it, girl.”

Michael: “Get what?” Janet: “Unclear. I’ll get everything, just to be safe.”

“Eleanor, your cocaine and escape train are ready.”


“I wasn’t a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.”

“Claustrophobic? Who would ever be afraid of Santa Clause?”

“I can’t believe Michael betrayed us again, why is it always the ones you most expect?”

“Everyone here thinks I’m Taiwanese. I’m Filipino. That’s racist. Heaven is so racist.”

“If you’re a devil, how come you’re not wearing Prada?”

“I’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kids’ menu. What a stupid age I am.”

Related: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

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